Bowl of Oranges
by orangestripes66
Summary: My back door is chipping paint. My bedroom door has a hole in it. My brother likes his babysitter more than me. And my friend is in love with Leonardo DiCaprio. It's just fantastic.
1. one

_Hey! This is a new story. I hope you guys like it. So, enjoy :) And let me know what you think, about the story, or about anything else.  
I do not own South of Nowhere. Unfortunately. _

* * *

Picture this:

You're alone. You're sitting in an airport, watching the people walk by. Watching the couples walk by. Watching the mothers and daughters and sons walk by. Watching the friends walk by. They're all going somewhere, obviously. Of perhaps, not obviously. Because you're not going anywhere.

Are you?

You're never going anywhere. You're sitting. And you're thinking. Or maybe you're not thinking. maybe you just like to be alone with your thoughts. Alone, in a crowded international airport with hundreds, thousands, of people that you do not know. People you will never, ever know.

Do you care?

No, not really. You don't need to actually know people to _know_ people. It's called judging. And we all do it so don't act like we don't. Don't put on that high and mighty façade that says you actually accept all people. Because you know you don't. That's all bullshit.

Sometimes, you think about just hopping a plane to somewhere. Because who would know you're gone? Or more importantly, who would care? A plane to Mexico maybe. No. A plane to Canada maybe. No. A plane to Italy maybe. Maybe. A plane to New Zealand maybe. Maybe.

Maybe you're being melodramatic. There are people who would know you were gone and miss you. That's just selfish.

Picture this:

You're sitting in your kitchen in your very small, white house with the front porch. Your mother is blabbering on about something, something probably about how much you suck. And to be fair, you do kind of suck. You can't help but notice that the wallpaper is white with small yellow daisies on it. You feel your mother might need an upgrade from the _Brady Bunch_ theme you've got going on.

You pick at your short nails because listening to her talk on and on is like being hit in the head with a baseball bat. Being hit by surprise. It just comes from nowhere. You put your hood of the sweatshirt you're wearing up and around her head to block your ears from the insistent drabble going on around you. You zipper it up and pull the strings. --

"Spencer." My mother says. "Would you please come out of there."

I huff like a small child and push my head through the small hole. I make my mind try not to think about how that sounded like giving birth. Giving birth always scared me. Since when was it alright to have a small little person come _out_ of you. It's like _Alien_. I mean, where's Sigourney Weaver when you need her?

"Are you even listening to me?" She asks me as she absentmindedly stuffs a saltshaker into her oversized purse.

"Yes." I lie just like every other time. "You were saying…"

"Right." She shakes her head. "I'm having someone come over to watch Harley after school."

I give my mother a blank stare. "I'll be home."

My mother just looks at me with clear blue eyes, like my own. It's a look of pity, almost. "You can't be trusted."

"Mom." I deadpan.

"Spence, would you trust you?" It's a rhetorical question, one I am not supposed to answer. And why would I answer? "I just think this girl would be better for him."

"What, me and Noel had a fun time with him." I counter her.

There's that look again. "You fell asleep and Noel taught him the word _bitchassness_. I don't think so."

"Mom, I'm twenty years old, I think I can handle him."

"Spencer." My mother glares hard at me. "You're seventeen."

I roll my eyes and take a bite of a very stale bagel. Then I spit it out into a napkin. My mother just watches me. "Sorry Paula." I mumble as I get up to throw the napkin and bagel into the garbage.

"You shouldn't wear so much eyeliner." My mother tells me as she gives my forehead a kiss goodbye.

Just as I am about to reply with _Well you shouldn't have such a large stick up your ass_, Harley comes barreling down the stairs. His blonde hair sticking up all over the place and I think his shirt is on backwards.

"Come on Har, time for school." My mother says to him, trying to flatten out his unruly hair. Sometimes it's so blonde I think he's albino. So do other people.

"I'm catching a ride with Noel."

"Spencer's boyfriend." Harley adds with a titled head and an evil smile.

"No." I say sternly. "Not Spencer's boyfriend. Do you want him to be _your_ boyfriend, Harley?" I spit out, grabbing my bag and walking towards the door.

"Ew, no!" I hear my younger brother exclaim as I slam the back door behind me. I would place a large bet on the fact that Harley has a gigantic boy crush on Noel. The reason I fell asleep babysitting him is because he wouldn't leave Noel's side. Why should I do something when I am being ignored?

A lot of the time, I feel like school is just a river. And all the students are salmon. Just swimming upstream and then _BAM_ a bear comes and rips some of our fucking heads off. So the rest of us splash around and try to escape, except we're heading up river against the current so it's hard. Some of us get pulled back down stream. And then that sucks for those ones. All the other salmon make fun of them. Some of the salmon keep going up stream and then they get A's on tests.

The bear has the ability to be anything. It could be a teacher or a principal. But those options are boring and cliché. The bear could be a friend that back-stabs you. But that's common. The bear could be someone who breaks your heart. That's mushy and more romantic than things need to be. The bear might be that moment when you're in the middle of an exam and the one pen you have runs out of ink. Because that is just a total bummer.

Are you getting this?

There are many times when I'm in school and I think about just leaving. And doing that whole plane thing I was so emotionally explaining before. It would be great.

But Noel drove me to school so I can't do that today. Another day, another excuse.

------

Noel puts his Jeep in park out front of my house. It's green and I hate green cars. I don't think cars should be made in a green color. Maybe only for like, camaflouge or something.

"Thanks for the ride." I say as I gather my bag at the bottom of my feet.

"Yeah, no problem Spence." He says with a grin and leans over to give me a kiss on the cheek.

I scoff heavily. "Noel, please." I say in a bored voice.

He rolls his eyes and puts his hands back on the steering wheel. _Good, where they belong_. "_Sorry_. So who's chillin' with Harley boy."

"Well, since you taught him the word _bitchassness_, which Paula was not happy about by the way, she got some other girl."

Noel snickers at the mention of the word _btichassness_, his slightly shaggy brown hair flopping on front of his eyes.

"Yeah, funny." I say dryly as I get out of the car and close the door. I lean against the open window.

"Who is it? Oh, I bet it's that new girl."

"We don't have a new girl Noel."

He nods. "I know, but Cam told me they have some new girl over at East."

"That's a great story. See ya later." I mumble as I head towards the door of my house. I hear Noel yell out_ Call me later!_ right before I hear his noisy Jeep speed down the street. I see that the paint to the back door is chipping off white and I momentarily think I should give it a new paint job.

The girl who is standing over my kitchen sink turns to look at me as soon as I walk through the door. Her eyes are kind of wide and there's a sponge and a dish in her hand.

"So I'm hoping you're watching Harley, or else I'd like you to please leave my house." I tell her as I set down my bag on the counter.

"Uh." She looks at me. "Yeah, no, I am."

I shrug and open to fridge, looking for that poptart I put in last night. I don't think many people really know how good poptarts are when they're cold.

"Um, are you Spencer?" The girl asks me as she leaves the dishes in the sink for a minute.

"No, I'm actually Lil' Wayne." I shrug. "You know, I wrote that song about the candy."

The girl, who I am now noticing has very curly chestnut colored hair, almost looking reddish in the light, blushes slightly. "I'm sorry. I just, um, your mom." She stutters. "I was just expecting a guy, is all."

I roll my eyes. "Sorry to disappoint you."

She takes a step towards me and waves her hands in the air in front of her. "No, you didn't. No. Yeah."

I'm confused by her rambling so I just turn to walk away from her. I turn around right before leaving the room and let my eyes look at her. She's cute. "Let's just make this one thing clear. You're here to watch Harley. Not me. I'm twenty and don't need a babysitter."

"Oh, yeah. I get it. Your mom, she said you were my age, seventeen, I didn't-"

I cut off this brunettes' mindless rambling once again. "Twenty, seventeen. Orange, Pale orange. Whatever."

The girl just nods with a strange half-smile on her face.

"Ashley!" Harley screams as he whips himself around the corner and into the kitchen.

I scoff. "I'm your sister _Spencer_." I pronounce my name for him and then I even spell it out. My brother is so stupid sometimes. As his sister, I would like to at least be acknowledged by my real name.

"No, Ashley." Harley gives me a glare and points to the curly haired girl.

"Oh." I say quietly as I look at her. Funny, in my strange conversation with the girl I never asked her name, but then again she never said it. She seems kind of…shy. Not that I don't like shy people. No. I just don't like people who my mother obviously likes better than me. There are many things that fulfill that position, actually. Harley. This _Ashley_ girl. The bagger at the grocery store. A small squirrel. The _Home Shopping Network_.

"Is _bitchassness_ Noel coming over." Harley asks to no one in particular. Well, I guess he's asking me since he's looking right at me. I snicker at the use of his word but Ashley looks a little confused.

"Not today, Har." I tell him. The look of disappointment on his face is almost really cute. It was like that time I told him that I was sorry, but the dinosaurs are, in fact, all dead. "Well, this has been lovely." I say as I roll my eyes. Then I make my way up to my room as I hear Harley asking the Ashley girl a million and one questions.

I take a deep breathe as I close my door, and finally find some peace and quiet. Sometimes I take a nap after school. Because sometimes I have nothing better to do. And sometimes I like being asleep better than being awake.

Today, I take the small black box that is under my bed and place it on top. With trembling hands, I open it and look at all of the stuff inside. I feel my eyes prick with some kind of weird salty water and I do not like it. Just as I am about to pick up a picture my door bursts open.

"Your brother has a new girlfriend, and to be frank Spencer, I kind of think that she's a bit old for him."

I laugh lightly at my friend's comment.

"Funny, Fora. It's his new babysitter person."

"Oh, so I guess Paula didn't enjoy the _bitchassness_ incident." She says seriously, taking a seat on my desk chair. I put the box back under my bed and I know Fora sees it. She says nothing.

"Not particularly. Although she still loves Noel even though he's the one who taught him that."

"Well, your mother has a cougar crush on Noel. It's obvious."

"Gross."

Fora twirls a piece of her straight black hair around her finger while popping her gum. I know it's _Bazooka_ from years of experience. It would be annoying to anyone else, but I am used to it. I see the dyed blue pieces of hair in the back of her head and it reminds me of when I helped her do that. My sink was blue for a week and well, my mother was not happy.

Fora is the kind of girl that you yell at to _shut the hell up_ in the movie theater. She's the kind of girl that the elderly curse at because she ran over their mailbox with her car. Fora is the kind of girl that your parents don't really like too much, the kind of girl that is a _bad influence_.

And she _is_ all of those things.

"So who's the girl." Fora says, picking at her chipped lime green painted nails.

"Ashley or something. Har seems to like her."

"Harley's bi. He has a super large crush on Noel too. And now this girl. Maybe it's just babysitters."

"You babysitted him once, and he didn't like you."

Fora glances to meet my eyes and rolls her own. "Thanks. Maybe he liked me secretly."

"You dropped him on the floor." I tell her seriously, leaning back on my bed. "I think he's scared of you."

"Whatever. I have to get on his good graces though. I think he'll be hot when he's older."

"You're an idiot." I tell her.

Fora shrugs. "It's true. Something about you Carlins and your blonde hair and blue eyes. It's very appealing."

"Obviously."

"Hey, so you think that Ashley chick will bake us cookies?"

Fora also has a very short attention span.

"She's not a personal chef."

"But she's like, a _nanny_. That's what they do, bake things and clean things, and do arts and crafts with you. Like making those things our of popsicle sticks."

------

"Where's Harley?" I ask the Ashley girl when Fora and I get downstairs. Her insistence on some kind of treat or pastry had her pulling me out of my room.

Ashley the babysitter girl is still in the kitchen and it looks like she is making Harley a snack.

"Oh, he's playing video games." She meets my eyes for a second and then looks away.

"So Ashley, honey, do you bake?" Fora asks the unlucky Ashley and I feel kind of bad for a minute before I laugh.

"Uh what?" Ashley says, turning around to face Fora who is sitting on a stool at the island.

"Cookies, cakes, you know, pastries."

Ashley looks confused.

"Fora stop it." I tell her roughly. "Let's just go somewhere."

"Oh!" She jumps up excitedly. "Can we go to that bakery on the street next to the street with the Pet Grooming place? I _love _their pound cake."

"Sure, whatever, let me get my bag."

Fora jumps up around like a small five year old girl who was just given a unicorn for her birthday. As I make my way up the stairs, I hear Ashley and Fora talking for a second.

"Um, what's with her?" Ashley asks nervously. Probably wanting to know why I'm such an insensitive douchebag. I don't blame her.

"Long story." Fora tells her.

------


	2. two

_Thank you all for the encouragement and reviews. :) And the title of this story is taken from a Bright Eyes song. Check it out, it's good._

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Picture this:

You're sitting in class, in a desk that is really uncomfortable. Your feet are placed on the basket attached to the desk in front of you. By accident, you sometimes kick it or move and the girl in front of you keeps giving you angry looks over her shoulder. You mouth _sorry_ over and over again.

You're not paying attention to the teacher though. You're thinking about a Carnival you once went to. Well, that's not exciting so I don't know why I told you to picture that.

It wasn't terribly fascinating or anything, but the point is it was fun. And all your friends were there and you were having a good time.

"_Let's get those things that have sugar on them." Fora said animatedly as I walked through the crowds of people. I saw some little boy throw up into a trash can I started to laugh. _

"_What is with you and bakery goods." Bethany asked Fora. Fora just shrugged._

"_Oh, Zeppolis?" Noel asked, turning to glance at us._

"_Yes!" She exclaimed. "Let's go get those."_

"_Wanna go on the _Music Express_?" Bethany turned to me and asked. She pouted at me and I rolled my eyes._

"_Yeah, okay."_

"_After the baked goods, though." Fora announced as she dragged Noel by the arm to the stand where a greasy man was making greasy food. _

"_We'll be right back." Bethany yelled to Fora and Noel as she pulled me by the hand to the picture booth. She pushed me inside, closing the curtain._

"_Noooo." I whined, holding my hands over my face._

"_Oh come on, cranky pants. Just, smile."_

_And so I smiled for the first picture. Bethany kissed my cheek for the second picture. I pretended to bite the side of her face for the third picture. And we were both laughing hard for the last picture. _

_When we got out of the booth, Bethany ripped the slip of small pictures and put it in her pocket. _

"_What, I don't get to keep them?" I asked her as I laughed. We made our way back to Fora and Noel._

"_Nope." She said with a sneaky smile. "You didn't even want to do it Spence."_

"_Why did you leave me alone with her?" Noel asked us. "She just bought all of this. _And_ made me pay for it." He held up a large bag filled with what I would assume were the bakery goods._

"_Chill Noel, you know you're gunna eat some too." For a scoffed as she turned away from the stand. I saw the greasy guy check her out. _

"_You want one B?" Fora extended the now open bag in front of Bethany's face._

"_Uh, no heart attacks for me, thanks."_

_Fora shrugged and popped a ball of dough covered in powered sugar into her mouth. "Your loss."_

"_Come on, _Music Express_ time." Noel said with a smile. And so we made our way in that direction. _

"Spencer, do you know the answer?"

My head snaps up to look up at our teacher and my eyes widen since I don't know the question I'm guessing that I don't know the answer. I am contemplating actually saying that to her but then I see Fora next to me holding up a piece of paper. I squint my eyes to read what she has written down.

"Uh, laissez faire?" I answer nervously.

Our teacher nods her head. "Good. Moving on."

"Thanks." I say to Fora as we head to her locker. "How did you even know that?"

"I _know_ things Spence. Don't act all surprised."

I laugh as she opens her locker. The inside has a mirror and a million pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio taped inside.

"Well, I am surprised." I look over all the pictures. "You're a woman obsessed." I say seriously.

She shrugs and kisses a picture of Leo with his shirt off before closing her locker door. "You know you love him too. What a hot piece of man candy."

I roll my eyes. "Yeah, but I don't have a shit ton of pictures of him plus posters of him above my bed."

"I like to watch him before I fall asleep Is that a crime or something? _God_."

"No, you're right. Totally normal."

"I know you're being sarcastic." Fora says as we walk down the hallway.

"And I know you're dressed like an ass today." I say as I look over her plaid skirt, pink shirt, and clunky stripper boots.

"What?" She asks in a confused way, motioning over her appearance. "I was feeling very bright today."

"Whatever."

"Oh, so you wanna go to the Carnival this weekend?"

I shake my head. "No thanks."

"Come on it'll be fun, we can get Noel to pay for us."

"Um, no." Noel says as he appears next to Fora and I. "You won't be getting Noel to pay for us."

"Aw come on Noel-y bear. You know you want to." Fora sings, hitting him with her red purse.

"Actually, I know I don't want to."

"I don't wanna go anyway." I tell them. "You guys can go."

"Come on, there's nothing else to do." Fora says lightly.

"No." I tell her roughly. Fora gives Noel a look and that's when I walk away.

------

"We don't have to go this weekend, we can just chill out, order some food, watch movies or something." Noel says to me on the drive home after school.

"Thanks." I tell her sincerely, turning my head to look at him. "That sounds good."

Noel is the perfect guy friend. He's nice, and he's caring. He makes crude jokes that really don't offend you, because it's him. He's great to have around. For hugs and make-out sessions sometimes. Noel and I tried the whole friends-with-benefits thing a little while ago. But honestly, I never felt more than friendship for the boy. There's nothing wrong with him. He's adorable looking, there is no doubt about that. He would be a fantastic boyfriend. I just don't feel that way.

Unfortunately, Noel _does_ feel that way. I know he gets fed up with my come-here go-away trips sometimes. I feel bad. But that's just the way it is.

"You wanna come in an hang with Harley? I think he misses you." I snicker as I get out of the ugly green Jeep.

Noel nods excitedly and follows me inside.

"You want me to paint that door? It's lookin' all crackly."

"No, I'll do it." I tell him.

"Noel _bitchassness_!" Harley screams loudly when he sees Noel in the kitchen. Harley barrels towards the tall boy at my side and hugs his leg.

"Hey bud! How's it going?" Noel asks, giving Harley a pat on his head.

"Awesome. You should be my babysitter again, with Ashley." He says excitedly, jumping up an down. I notice that he's wearing a blue shirt with a picture of a dinosaur on it. He has an obsession with the extinct creatures.

"Oh yeah, Ashley? Maybe." Noel says, his eyes looking around, probably for the Ashley girl.

"Hi." Ashley says as she appears in the doorway. "Um, I'm Ashley."

Noel sticks out his hand to shake it with Ashley's. "Noel." He says with a smile.

"I'm so glad we're all friends now." I roll my eyes and pour some juice for myself.

"Spencer you can go, we'll have more fun then." Harley says as he lets go of Noel's leg and takes Ashley's hand.

"I love you too, little brother."

"So, Ashley. Are you new?" Noel asks her as he takes a seat.

Ashley walks hesitantly towards the table where we're at and sits down. She looks nervous almost, but she takes a seat. "Um yeah. I just moved here a couple weeks ago, from L.A."

Noel whistles and I roll my eyes. He has this habit of like, getting to know people. I guess it's a nice gesture. "That's like, almost across the country."

"That _is_ actually across the country, Noel." I tell him. I turn my head to Ashley and she has a small smile on her face. I smile, just a _tiny_ bit at her. "You like New Jersey?"

She nods her head, her curls bouncing around. "It's nice. It's uh, calmer, I like it."

"Cool." Noel taps his fingers on the table, the one ring he always wears making an annoying clicking noise. "You should hang out with us this weekend. What are you doing?"

"Oh, uh nothing. I wouldn't want to interrupt or anything-"

"No way, it'd be cool." Noel says with a smile. Anyone watching the exchange would think that Noel is flirting with her. But I know he's not. He's just being friendly.

Ashley glances quickly at me. As to see if it's okay with me. I just look at her. "Yeah, sure." She says with a smile.

"Ashley!" Harley yells from the living room.

Ashley gestures in his direction and then shuffles out of the room.

"What are you doing?" I ask Noel roughly as he leans back in the chair.

"What?" He asks honestly. "I'm just being friendly."

"Well stop. We don't _need_ another person to hang out with."

"Spence." Noel says as he gets up. He pushes the chair back in. "She seems nice, and seems like she doesn't know anyone." He pauses for a second as I stare into his eyes. "I'm not replacing her Spencer."

"Yes you are." I spit out, turning around to throw my cup in the sink. "You are. You have been trying."

"I'm just making a new friend!" He half yells, half whispers.

"Just, go hang out with Harley or just go, please." I tell him. Noel lets out a breath and shakes his bangs out of his face.

"Okay, I'll see you later Spence." He says softly. I let him give me a hug even though I don't let my arms come back around his body. And with that, he leaves.

I walk into the living room and see Ashley and Harley playing some racing game. Harley is obviously winning and Ashley is just chuckling. It kind of looks like she is losing purposely.

"You can beat him, you know. He knows he sucks." I tell her from behind the couch.

Harley turns to me quickly and sticks his tongue out at me. Ashley crashes her car into a building and lets Harley finish the race.

"Um, I don't have to hang out with your friends if it's a problem or anything, I didn't mean to, I mean, I'm sorry if-" She's kind of mumbling and rambling again and I notice that she does that a lot. I breathe heavily as she goes on and I feel bad for being an asshole to her. Well, being an asshole indirectly to her. I don't normally feel bad, but her brown eyes look kind of nervous and upset. For some reason I don't want to make her eyes sad. They're quite pretty.

"Hey." I interrupt her. "It's fine. Don't worry about it. Fora gets really annoying so you're welcome to come."

"Okay. Thanks." She says as she wrings her fingers together. "So, is, um, is Noel your-"

"My boyfriend?" I finish her question. I actually snort air through my nose. "No. Noel is Noel. Just a friend." I look at her and she nods. "Oh." I say, realization coming over me. "I could like, set you up if that's what you-"

Ashley shakes her head to interrupt me. "No, no thanks. He seems nice, but, um, that's alright."

I shrug. Usually girls have their panties all in a twist over Noel.

"Whatever." I shrug.

I leave our conversation at that and head up to my room, closing the door behind me. Kicking off my green Chucks, I sit on my bed and open my black box. It has pictures and an array of other crap in it. Like a memory box. Yeah, a memory box. I hold up the slip of small pictures of me and Bethany that I was thinking about today in class. It's cute and I stare at it for a long time. I put it down and pick up another picture. This one has me, Noel, Fora, and Bethany all huddled together at the beach. I see the bonfire behind us and I smile. Remembering the weekend we just left, in the middle of the night, to go down the shore. Our parents were so pissed.

I put that picture down and pick up one more. This one is just me and Bethany. She's laughing into the camera and I'm just staring at the side of her face, a large goofy smile on my lips. Her green eyes are bright and twinkling and her dirty blonde hair is all messy in a ponytail. My hand traces over the picture and then I roughly shove it back into the box.

My box is pushed back under my bed, and I momentarily feel guilty for hiding it. But I don't care. I feel an intense feeling of dread come over me and I ball my hands into fists. My door gets kicked, hard, on my way out.

"_Would you like, calm the fuck down." Bethany said to me, standing in the middle of my room. _

_I was standing by my bed, my arms crossed across my chest, across my thin t-shirt. My eyes were digging into hers._

"_No." I said roughly. _

"_Spence." She breathed out. "Come on."_

"_No, you come on, B. You said, you _said._" _

"_I know I said!" She yelled, but then ducked her head. She never really yelled. Bethany, my best friend, never really even got angry. So this surprised me and I stepped back a little bit. "Simon is my-"_

"_Your _boyfriend_." I finished her sentence for her. "I know. I just don't enjoy seeing his tongue down your throat."_

"_I know you don't like him, Spence."_

"_Yeah, he doesn't deserve you."_

_Bethany rubs her eyes, and when they open they are sincerely sorry. "I'm sorry Spencer." She take s a step towards me and reaches out to touch my arm._

_Her touch lights me on fire._

"Where are you going?" Ashley asks me as I rush out the door.

"You're not _my_ babysitter." Is all I say roughly to her as I slam the back door.

I know some chipped paint must have fallen off it.

------


	3. three

_I appreciate all your feedback so much! You're all wonderful. :D_

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Picture this:

You're sitting in an airport lounge. It doesn't matter which one it is. You're sitting and you're watching. I already talked about this, didn't I? Well, you'll just have to listen to it again.

There are a lot of times when I'm sitting here that I just want to talk to a random person. I want to like, tell them a story and see how they feel about it. Maybe they would agree with me. Maybe they would give advice. It doesn't have to be a real story. It could be a fake story.

It could be about me and my boyfriend. Maybe he broke up with me in a text message and I'm really angry. Or it could be about how my mother won't pay for tap-dancing lessons. Maybe my best friend stabbed me in the back. She went out with someone that I was in love with. Or maybe I'm in love with my best friend and she doesn't know it. Or perhaps she _does_ know it.

It doesn't matter what the tale is. All I need sometimes is just a random person to tell it to.

I dig in my pocket for that one pill I know I need to take. I pop the cap to my over-priced water bottle that I got at a stand for a small fortune. Popping the pill in my mouth, I swallow it down with some water. It doesn't feel comforting like it should. It doesn't make me feel _better_ like it should. It never does. And I hate that stupid _Zoloft_ blob on TV.

I'm not sure why I do this. It calms me, I guess.

"_Where are we going?"_ _I whined as Bethany drove her car along the highway. "Come on, this is so far away."_

"_Calm your cookies Spence. We're almost there."_

_I looked out the window and saw planes taking off and landing everywhere. _

"_Uh, B, why are we at the airport?"_

"_Because." She said as she turned to me and gave me a wide smile. "This is fun."_

"_You know I'm scared of flying, and I don't think our problems will be solved by just flying away somewhere."_

"_Even to New Zealand?" Bethany asked with a smirk on her face. _

"_I-" I thought about it for a second. New Zealand would be fun. But no. "No." I laughed as Bethany chuckled and got out of the car. She opened my door for me and held out her hand. Of course I would never refuse her. _

_We made our way through the people with luggage, coming and going. We went up the escalator, passed the food places and convenient stores. Finally, we settled on just sitting down in chairs by the baggage claim. _

_Bethany didn't say anything, so I just turned to look at her. I was confused. My eyes settled on the side of her face and then traveled down her slender neck. Her skin looked so very smooth. _

"_So…" I said finally. _

"_So, I like to do this sometimes. Just come here and watch the people. I don't know. They're all just, going somewhere. Meeting people. It's interesting. It's kind of fascinating."_

_I smiled at her. Really smiled. Things like that, when she said things like that and brought me to places like this, those were the reasons I loved her. _

"_You like it?" She asked hesitantly, while biting her lip. _

"_I love it, B." I told her. _

_Bethany smiled at me and leant over to give my cheek a soft, affectionate kiss. _

"Have fun at your friend's house?" My mother asked me as I walked in the door.

"Uh." I paused, I looked over my shoulder when I heard Ashley getting her coat and purse by the front door. She met my eyes and smiled just a tiny bit. "Uh, yeah, it was good.."

It was late, and I felt kind of bad that I left Ashley alone all day. My mother works at the hospital as a nurse, and she always works late. She usually takes longer hours and extra shifts, ever since my father has been gone.

And I know how boring it can be with just Harley. He likes to play video games all day long with the occasional roller skating around the house thrown in.

"Good." My mother says as she looks through the mail. "Thanks Ashley, sorry it was so late." She says as Ashley walks in the room.

The curly haired brunette shrugs. "Not a problem."

"Tell your mother I apologize for keeping you from dinner."

"I don't mind, she was making corn casserole." Ashley makes a scrunchy face, which is kind of adorable, _if_ I were the kind of person who found things adorable.

Ashley takes the money handed to her and starts towards the door. I follow her to it so my mom is out of ear-shot.

"Hey." I say as I tap her on the shoulder. "Um, thanks. For covering me, you know. She gets weird and I would have been in a shit load of trouble if she knew I just randomly went out and didn't tell anyone where I was."

"Don't worry about it." She says quietly. I give her a smile and wait for her to ask me where I was. She doesn't. And I appreciate that.

I nod, not knowing what to say next. "Well, goodnight."

"Oh, yeah. Um, goodnight Spencer." She says before she leaves.

"Don't you just love Ashley?" Harley says as he bounces into the kitchen. "I think I'm gunna ask her to be my girlfriend."

I scoff. "Yeah good luck with that you fool."

"Spencer. Please." My mother says boredly. "Are you being nice to her? You should be, she's a very sweet girl, and her mother said she doesn't know many people yet."

"Yes, Paula. Calm down." I murmur.

My mother shakes her head at me. "Anyway, your father called me today at the hospital, he wants to see you. And Harley."

"Well that's lovely!" I clap my hands together in mock happiness. "Great, awesome. No thanks, I'd rather not."

"Spence, come on."

"No." I say roughly. "He can come here or whatever. If he even wants to."

"You know that if he came here you wouldn't talk to him anyway."

"Exactly." I tell her as I head upstairs. "_Exactly_. So there is no need."

------

_I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can't deny. When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sp- _"Hola."

"I hate your ring back tone Fora. Really? Sir Mix A Lot?"

"It's a _classic_." She says and I hear her gum pop. "What's up lollipop?"

"Nothing. Paula said my dad called her today." I tell her as I lay on my back on my bed.

"Really? Does he want to see you?"

"Mmmhmm."

"And, let me guess. You don't want to." She says in a serious tone.

"Nope."

"Why not? I know you haven't seen him since the divorce, but maybe you should." She says softly.

"And maybe I shouldn't. He doesn't deserve it."

"Spencer." Fora breathes out. "It's not like it was his fault."

"Yes it was!" I yell into the phone. "He was the one who wanted it and at, like the worst time, Fora, please."

"I'm sorry, but I think it could be a good idea."

"Well I don't."

There is silence on the other end and I know Fora is stopping herself from yelling at me some more. From telling me to stop being such an idiot. And I know she also contemplating how mad I really am. Because it's understandable.

"You wanna watch _Romeo Plus Juliet_ tomorrow?" She asks randomly.

"I'm guessing that's the version with Leo."

"Of course. And can we go to your house? My house has my mom in it who will want to watch it with us and Noel has that weird cat that like, scratches my leg all the time."

"I guess. And Squirmles hates you because you shot the hose at him one time."

"That ass deserved it."

I laugh genuinely. I love Noel's cat Squirmles because all he does is annoy the shit out of Fora every single time we go there. "Whatever. Oh, and Ashley that chick is coming too. Noel invited her."

"Oooh. You jealous?" She asks and snorts through her nose. It's not attractive or appealing at all.

"Um, not at all. I kind of hoped he would move on, but she didn't seem interested."

"Really?" Fora asks. "Girls usually have their panties in a twist for that boy."

_Told you._

"I know."

"Hmmm. Maybe she's gay."

I scoff. "I doubt it."

"And how would you know?"

I roll my eyes even though she can't see me. "I don't know, I'm just throwing out suggestions."

"'Cause she's hot, you know. I mean, she's a little weird and quiet, but it's always the quiet ones who're the kinky ones."

"That's enough." I tell my friend.

------

"How 'bout this?" Noel asks me as he holds up probably the ugliest shirt I have ever seen.

"Sure, _Fred Flinstone_."

He throws me a glare from his closet. There are shirts and pants all over his bed so I just lay on top of all of them. "Why must you be so mean?"

"Why must you be so girly about what you wear?"

"Because I like to look _good_." He says like it's obvious.

"We're just hanging out." I tell him. Noel is now wearing a plain white t-shirt. "That took you an hour to pick out. A plain white t-shirt?"

"What?" He says as he goes over to his dresser to put on some deodorant. These are the reasons that I cannot be with Noel. I know too much about him. We were friends for way to long. I know what kind of deodorant he uses and I help him pick out his clothes. I lay on his bed without feeling any kind of sexual tension or awkwardness. And I like just talking to him. You can't have those things with someone you're with. I don't believe that anymore.

"So you're cool with Ashley coming, right?" He speaks again when I ignore him.

"Yeah, no problem."

"Good. You know I'm just trying to be friendly. It's not like I, you know, want her or-"

"Noel." I say as I lean up on my elbows. "You can like her. That's totally fine with me."

Noel walks over to me and bends down because he is so tall. "I know. But I don't." His large hand comes to push a piece of stray hair behind my ear and the whole time I am just wishing I could _feel_ something. But I don't. I just fucking don't.

I push his hand away. "Noel, stop." I beg him and I sit fully up.

"Come on Spence." He says desperately as he takes a seat next to me. "I know you don't wanna be like that, and that's fine, really. Because I love you as my friend." He is quiet for a second and I don't know what to say. "I'm just worried. We lost her too, Spence. You know that."

I push his wide shoulders as I hastily get up from his bed. "But not in the way that I did!" I yell as I grab my jacket. And before he has a chance to ask me exactly what that means, because I know he wants to, I am out the door.

When I get to my house, I see two cars already there.

"So is this a new thing where people just go into people's houses." I say as I walk into the kitchen and see Ashley and Fora making popcorn. Well, Fora is making popcorn while Ashley just sits on a stool and listens to her babble.

"Oh, I'm sorry, she said-" Ashley starts to say nervously but she is cut off by Fora.

"What? I have your key, and I'm not a crazy murderer."

"I could beg to differ." I tell her seriously and I see Ashley crack a smile and start to laugh a little. And I realize this is the first time I've heard her actually laugh. It's kind of husky like her voice.

"Whatever. And then I saw Ashley here outside so I brought her in with me. Not like I was just gunna leave her outside in the rain."

"It's not raining." I tell Fora as I take a seat next to Ashley.

"It's an _expression_. God. Where's Noel?" She asks.

"Um, he's probably coming soon." I pick at my nails and I feel Ashley's eyes on me.

Fora's cell phone goes off before she has time to ask me what happened and why he didn't come with me, since she knows I was at his house. When she is out of the room talking to who the hells knows, Ashley turns to me.

"Um, are you okay?" She asks with large brown eyes.

"I'm fine." I tell her. I meet her eyes and for some reason I know she knows I'm lying. "Bad day." I tell her. But I don't know why. I don't even really know her.

"Me too. But thanks for having me over, it made my day better."

I genuinely smile at her and shrug my shoulders. "Just wait until Fora makes you watch like three Leonardo DiCaprio movies in a row."

Ashley laughs again and I realize that I like making her laugh. "Why?"

"She's in love with him." I tell Ashley seriously as I grab an orange from the bowl in front of me.

"Because he's like sex on a popsicle stick." Fora says as she comes back into the room, just in time to get the popcorn out of the microwave. "Popcorn."

I look at Fora and then point to the orange in my hand. "Orange. O-R-A-N-G-E."

"What's with you and fruit?"

"Spencer loves fruit like Fora loves Leo." Noel's deep voice says as he comes through the back door connected to the kitchen.

"Shut up Noel." Fora says. "I love Leo more than _fruit_."

I meet Noel's eyes and I'm saying _I'm sorry_. He nods and he's saying _It's okay._

"Hey Ashley." He greets her with a smile.

"Hi." She says back.

After a little while of Noel and Fora making fun of each other, the four of us head into the living room to start our movie.

"So where's Har?" Noel asks as he takes a seat on the recliner. He reclines it back and because he is so tall he's basically hanging off of it.

"A friend's house." I tell him.

Fora takes a seat next to me and Ashley takes one on the other side.

"Yo Fora give me the popcorn." Noel says in the darkness, with only the TV screen illuminating us.

"Uh, I ate it all." She says seriously.

"What? Fora what the hell."

"Ugh, come on pissy pants, let's go make more."

Ashley and I watch some of the movie, and I thought it would be extremely awkward. But it's…not. It's just a little awkward. I can feel her body heat from where I'm sitting though, and it makes me feel warm.

"Your friends are fun." Ashley says quietly.

"Yeah, they're…interesting." I chuckle and I see Ashley turn to me and smile.

I immediately feel guilt creep up inside me and take over my chest and heart area. I know there is now a frown on my face and I would love for it to go away. But it never does. I wish I could get this feeling of replacing Bethany out of my despair-ridden mind but I can't. I like having Ashley here though, because she's nice and for some reason she doesn't make me as angry or as sad when she's around. Even though she' so quiet and shy. But it's cute. So cute I kind of just want to hug her.

I peel my eyes away from Ashley and cough a little. "Um, I'm sorry, I'll be right back."

I get up before she says anything and am happy to see Noel and Fora coming back into the living room with a fresh bowl of popcorn. I felt bad leaving Ashley alone.

"Where you going?" Noel asks as he passes by. I show him the small pill in my hand and head over to the sink. I wash down my _Zoloft_ with a gulp from the tap and hang my head over the sink.

"_Must we watch this movie again?" Bethany asked as Noel, Fora, and I sat down. _

"The Wizard of Oz _is the shit." Fora said seriously. I rolled my eyes and laughed. _

"_The shit we've seen like, every night for the past week." Bethany mumbled as I hit her arm softly. "Come'ere." She whispered to me as she pulled me to snuggle into her side. _

"_Where's Simon?" Noel asked as he stretched out on my recliner. _

_I looked at the side of Bethany's face before she answered. "I like you guys better." She said, and with a wink to me her hand came to pull me closer to her. _

"Peace out girlscouts." Fora says as she heads towards the door to leave at the end of the night.

"Night Ashley. Spence." Noel gives me a kiss on the cheek as he heads to the door behind Fora.

Ashley turns to me and gives me a smile. I notice her nose scrunching up a little bit and I keep looking at it until she speaks. "Um, thanks for having me, again."

"Yup." I say, meeting her chocolate-y eyes. "You had to hang out with someone other than Harley sometime."

She shrugs. "He's not that bad."

"Takes time." I tell her.

"Well, bye," Ashley says and we stand in front of each other awkwardly.

I roll my eyes and move in to hug her. I wrap my arms around her waist and hers go around my neck. She smells really good. She gives me a smile and then she's out the door.

I lock it behind me and lean my back against it. I take a very deep breath before I make my way to bed.

------


	4. four

* * *

Picture this:

You're sitting outside in the rain. Why? Because you like the rain, that's why. It has some sort of calming effect. Like those nature CD's with the sounds of owls and the ocean on them. And it soothes you, because the rain is a constant in a world of variables. Although you might not know exactly when it is coming, you always know what it will be like. You know it's wet, and you know it drops from the sky. Because where else would it come from?

Your clothes are soaked and you're shivering to the bone. But you still feel alright. Because the rain makes you feel _alive_. You can feel it hitting you, and you like that. Sometimes, we all need to feel something.

I can always feel the rain.

"_I cannot believe we're locked outside your house." I said to Bethany as we sat on her front steps. _

"_I thought I brought my key with me, I swear I did." She mumbled as she wrapped her arms tighter around herself._

"_Well you obviously didn't." I said roughly. It was pouring rain outside and I was freezing and shivering my ass off. _

"_I'm sorry." She said as she looked at me. She frowned when she saw how I was shivering. "You're gunna catch pneumonia, come here." She opened her jacket wide so I could squeeze next to her. _

_Her body was warm and it was soft and I liked being so close to it. "I'm still mad."_

_I felt Bethany laugh next to me. _

"_It's not funny." I said seriously. _

_She kept on laughing like an idiot, her bangs plastered to her forehead. "I love you Spencer, you know that right?"_

_I turned my head to look at her. She had stopped laughing and she looked deadly serious. Because I was huddled in her jacket, I was extremely close to her. Her nose almost touching mine. "I know, I love you too B." I told her softly. So honest it was almost painful. _

_Bethany was the perfect best friend. She was loyal, and caring. She was unbearably sweet and plus she was absolutely gorgeous. But gorgeous in that way where you don't notice right away. The longer you look at her the more beautiful she gets. _

_Her green eyes were penetrating my blue ones and I saw her bite her lip. The rain was beating so hard against the sidewalk and the roof that I could barely hear my own heavy breathing. Or hers. _

_And then her nose touched mine, and then her lips were on mine. Soft lips on soft lips, gently caressing the others. _

_The moment is forever engrained in my memory. The sound of the rain. The smell of Bethany. The feel of her entwined with me, even though it was only her lips on mine. _

_When she pulled away suddenly, I saw her eyes squeezed shut hard. So hard it looked like it was hurting her. _

"_I'm so sorry." She whispered as she opened them. "I've just wanted to do that for a while."_

_I just stared at her. In shock. In paralyzing joy. _

"_Me too." I finally told her. "I did too B."_

_Her lips formed a smile and that's when I reached my hand to gingerly rub her chin and bring her face to mine once again. _

_We didn't speak about her boyfriend, Simon. We didn't speak about all the things we knew we had to speak about. We didn't speak about what we might, possibly, maybe, would become. We just sat together, in the pouring rain. Giving our hearts to each other through our lips. _

"Spencer? What are you doing?" Ashley says to me as she runs up the front path of my house, covering her head from the rain with her jacket.

I snap my eyes open at the sound of her voice and watch her stand in front of me. It looks like she is contemplating on whether to drag my ass inside or just leave me.

"You're gunna get sick. Let's go in the house. Yeah?" She says hesitantly, reaching out her hand to me.

Normally I would say no. But her pretty brown eyes are looking nervous and worried. I take her soft hand and she pulls me up and we head inside.

Ashley throws me a blanket from the front closet as she sheds her soaked jacket.

"What were you doing?" She asks.

"I like the rain."

"I like the rain too, but I don't sleep in it." She shrugs.

I smile at her. "I wasn't sleeping. Just sitting."

"Oh." She says, walking into the kitchen. "Um, sorry."

"Don't be." I tell her as I sit down.

"You want coffee or hot chocolate or something?" She asks me as she bustles around the kitchen.

I watch her walk around my kitchen in an oversized sweatshirt and jeans that are very wet at the bottom. Something about her, her and her appearance, the way she talks and acts, seems very peaceful and calming. Sort of like the rain.

"You don't have to or anything."

Ashley shrugs, already getting out two mugs. "It's okay, I uh, like doing this sort of stuff."

"Hot chocolate would be good then." I tell her. "Harley has soccer practice, so he won't be home for a while…"

She turns to me. "Yeah I know. It's just. Well, I'm gunna sound like a loser, or something. But I don't have anything else to do. And your mom said I could come ever whenever. I mean, I don't come here when no one's home, that'd be kind of creepy. But she said you're usually here, so, yeah." She ends her rambling and bites her lip.

Ashley turns back around to boil the water on the stove.

"No, that's cool." I tell her.

She nods, wiping her hands on her jeans. "Did you wanna, go back out there or something?"

I chuckle at her and shake my head. "Nah."

It's about a half an hour later when my mother comes through the back door with Harley in tow. Ashley and I are still sitting in the kitchen. We had talked a little but mostly we just sat in a comfortable silence, reading the newspaper. She gave me the Comics while I handed her the Sports section. I told her to ditch her California teams and to go for the Yankees and the Devils or there'd be some serious ass kicking. I got a really cute laugh from her for that.

"Hey girls." My mother says with a large smile on her face.

"Hi Mrs. Carlin." Ashley says politely.

"Ashley!" Harley exclaims as he hugs Ashley while she's sitting. She smiles at him and runs a hand through his hair. "No fair, Spencer got to hang out with Ashley first. Mooooom." He complains.

"Here, have a juice box." Paula hands him some apple juice and he stops talking.

"You're home early." I say with a slight smile.

"Yeah, I got the rest of the day off. And I would let you go home Ashley, but it's raining really badly, I'd rather you wait out that storm. Is that alright?"

Ashley nods. "Yeah, that's fine. I don't really like driving in the rain."

My mother nods and gives me a kiss on the forehead. "How was your day Spencer?"

I shrug." Boring." I tap my fingers on the counter as my mother looks around the fridge for something. "You wanna go upstairs?" I ask Ashley as I turn to her.

"Uh, sure."

I lead her upstairs to my room and close the door behind me. I get a little embarrassed when I see that my room is a complete and utter disaster. It looks like that cow from _Tornado_ stampeded around it. "Sorry, I'm kind of messy." I mumble as I start to pick up clothes from the floor and put them on a chair in the corner.

"It's okay. I've seen your brothers room, so."

"Oh yeah." I chuckle. "He is a _slob_."

Ashley stands still, looking around for a few moments. "He's like, really obsessed with dinosaurs." She says randomly. Her eyes are looking at the orange Lava Lamp I have set up on my desk.

"I know. He almost cried when I told him they were all dead."

Ashley laughs and takes a step forward.

"You can sit down." I motion to the bed where I am sitting. "I won't bite you, I swear. I know I come off that way, but…"

She smiles and nods her head. When she sits down on my bed I feel the mattress dip. "I have one of those too." She points to my Lava Lamp, which is swirling around and making the room glow. "It's uh, purple."

------

"Why did you move here?" I ask Ashley as we're laying on my bed, on our sides, facing each other. We have been engaging in a kind of intense round of a sort of 20 questions. Although we're not counting. Ashley's head is laying on a pillow as mine is propped up in my hand. Her brown, chocolate colored eyes have been pretty much the only thing I've been staring at for the last forty-five minutes.

"My mom." She says evenly. And it looks like she's going to continue. It has been a silent rule that if you don't want to embellish, you just stay quiet. "Her job makes her move around a lot. So we've been a lot places. I don't really like moving, so I hope we're done."

I have noticed that her slight nervousness and jagged words have disappeared somewhat as she became more comfortable.

I nod. "Been anywhere cool?"

She thinks for a second. "Alaska."

"Really?"

Ashley nods.

"How was it?" I ask her.

A smile forms on her lips. "Cold." She simply says and I laugh.

"Thanks Captain Obvious."

She smiles. "Okay, um, who was your first boyfriend?"

"Ugh, Paul in like sixth grade. He threw his milk carton at me when we broke up. Totally broke my heart."

"Rough." Ashley nods.

"Oh, it was. Hmmm." I think for a second. "Did you leave a boyfriend back home?"

Ashley shakes her head and I notice she kind of blushes. "No, I didn't." And I am surprised by this. Very surprised. I look at her with a confused face and she must notice, because her eyebrows scrunch together. "What?"

"I just, it's surprising I think. You're just kind of really pretty."

Her cheeks get red and she looks down before she looks back up again. Ashley's eyes meet mine and they sparkle with something fascinating. "What do you want to be when you're older?"

I smile at her child-like question. It's like when teachers used to ask you what you wanted to be when you grew up. And you would say a teacher, or a fireman, or an astronaut. But the way she says it is sweet and endearing. "I used to want to be an aquarium worker." I say seriously. "But now I have no idea at all."

Ashley nods and a tilted smile appears on her lips. "An aquarium worker?"

"Yeah, I don't know, I always thought they were really cool."

"Aquariums always scared me. Something about sharks being magnified by glass." Ashley says evenly.

I chuckle. "Well, I guess we've got nothing in common." I kid.

Ashley smiles a little more. "What about _Breakfast at Tiffany's_?"

I stare at her for a second, my eyes scrunched together, thinking _what the fuck is she talking about_? Then I smile, wide. "I think I, remember the film and as I recall, I think, we both kinda liked it."

"Well, that's the one thing we've got." Ashley says, a full grin on her face now.

We both laugh at the same time, and I am starting to love that huskiness that invades her laugh. It makes it so much warmer and comforting. And I know it's genuine. But the best thing about it is when my words can make it escape her mouth.

"Great song." I say, as I push my hair behind my ear.

Ashley nods. "I'm glad you knew it, 'cause then I'd just look dumb."

Just as I am about to ask Ashley another question, my mother yells up the stairs to us.

"Looks like the storm has cleared up Ashley you're…Harley would you _please_ take those roller skates off!" My mother yells and I start to snicker as does Ashley.

"I should probably go." Ashley says as she gets up off my bed. "My mom asked me to make dinner tonight."

I hop off my bed and nod. "What're you making?" I ask her, purely because I'm curious.

"Maybe lasagna." She answers as we head down the stairs. I watch her curls bounce with every step she takes and it makes me kind of smile to myself.

------

"Spence, could you pick up that lamp Harley knocked over?" Paula asks me as I walk back into the kitchen. I find Harley skating through the house as I try to place the slightly cracked lamp back on a table.

"Isn't Ashley like, the prettiest girl ever?" He asks as he skates circles around me.

"Why are you roller skating in the house you weirdo?"

"It was _raining_." He says and rolls his eyes at me. "Isn't she though?" He insists.

"Yes, she's very pretty." I tell him to shut him up. And also because it's true.

"Thanks honey." My mother says as I take a seat on a stool. "I talked to your father again today."

"Mom." I deadpan, willing her to just drop it. My day was going well, I do not want it to be ruined. _Please_.

"He hinted at seeing you and, you know-"

"Paula." I repeat.

"Spencer." She says, looking at me dead in the eye. Her eyes are serious and I stay quiet. "Stop blaming this divorce on him."

I get up from my stool. "Why? He wanted it."

"That's true, but it was better off." She says calmly.

I feel my anger rising. "Yeah? Well why don't you tell him that it was _fantastic_ timing, announcing you're leaving your family right after your daughter's best friend _just_ died. Amazing timing."

My mom just stares at me, and I see a frown on her face. It makes me sad, that frown. Because I'm causing it and I feel so incredibly horrible. There are some times when I feel like I can do nothing right. The stinging pricks in my eyes are just making everything worse.

I push my stool back in. "_Great_. He's great. No wonder I have to take so many fucking anti-depressants."

"Spencer, come on." My mother says lightly. It's not like this is new to her. She's heard this before. And it's not new to me. I've heard it from myself before. And I am so sick of it being the truth.

------

* * *

_The song Ashley and Spencer reference is _Breakfast at Tiffany's _by _Deep Blue Something_. It was kinda stuck in my head for some weird reason, so I put it in :)_


	5. five

* * *

Picture this:

You have a can of white paint at your side, sitting in the grass. You're kneeling down in front of a door that has the worst chipped paint you have ever seen. It's sunny out, and the warmness is hitting your back through the thin red t-shirt you're wearing.

Sometimes I like doing domestic things like this. It makes me feel fuzzy inside. And I know my mother doesn't always have time to do boring things like paint doors and water the grass. Fortunately, I like painting. Although I do not like watering the grass. It's so very boring.

"Hi." I hear a husky voice say from behind me.

I turn my head slightly and stop painting the door. "Hey Ashley. Harley, stayin' strong."

Harley, who is holding Ashley's hand rather tightly, just smiles at me. "Why don't you paint the door a cool color." He says, and then he thinks for a second. "Like blue with dinosaurs on it. I'll paint the dinosaurs, and Ashley will help!" He tugs at Ashley's hand and smiles wide at her.

"No." I say as I continue to bring the paint brush over the door in smooth strokes.

Harley makes a huffing noise. "Why not?"

"Because we don't live in a gingerbread house Harley."

I hear Ashley chuckle a little bit before Harley drags her inside the house. Ashley flashes me a smile before she disappears around the corner and it makes me feel warm inside. I shake my head as I dip my paint brush back into the bucket. By now, there are white paint marks all over my jeans. I think I look pretty spiffy.

A few minutes later, Ashley walks through the open door I'm painting with a cup in her hand.

"I brought you some lemonade, um, thought you might be thirsty."

I take the cup from her. "Thanks. I think from the hot weather and paint fumes I might die an early death. Or just end up really, really high."

Ashley chuckles and looks down, her feet moving back and forth on the grass. Her head comes back up and her chocolate eyes seem to be sparkling in the bright sunlight. "Can I ask-"

"Hey there you flamingos." Fora's voice interrupts whatever Ashley was saying. She walks up to where Ashley and I are. Me kneeling on the grass and Ashley standing next to me.

"Uh, hi flamingo. What's up?" I ask, rolling my eyes. I go back to painting, focusing on smoothing out the white paint.

"Nothing, I've come to woo Harley." She says seriously. I glance back at her and take in her neon yellow sundress, which clashes with the black stripper boots she often wears.

"You came to _woo_ my younger brother?" I ask, laughing.

"Yes, I told you. He's going to be hot. And those family baby blues are fantastic. Ashley agrees with me." Fora pokes Ashley on the shoulder and she taps her fingers on her pants.

"Yeah, they're nice, sure." She mumbles.

Fora rolls her eyes and scoffs. "Convincing. Anyway, I'll be back."

"Alright _Arnold_."

I continue to paint and sneak glances at Ashley. She's just kind of looking up into the cloud-less sky. Her hands in her pocket, she looks very peaceful.

"She's kind of weird." The brunette says suddenly.

"No, she's very weird." I tell her.

"Do you need any help?"

"Sure." I hand Ashley a paint brush and she kneels down next to me. She dips it in the white paint and starts to brush slow, long strokes next to mine. Her eyes are concentrated and she starts to nibble on her bottom lip. The way she is trying so hard not to mess up makes me smile. We paint for a little while in a nice silence.

"Hey, could I ask you something?" Ashley says, breaking the silence in the now setting sun.

"Shoot."

"Um, who's Bethany?"

I stop all movement and slowly put my paint brush down. My head does not turn towards her although I know her eyes are trained on the side of my face.

"What." I say roughly.

"It's just, Harley was talking about this girl, Bethany you were friends-"

I cut Ashley off when she says _were_ and stand up abruptly. I know it's not her fault but I still feel anger bubble up inside me.

"None of your business."

Ashley stands up quickly as well. She wipes her hands which are covered in paint on her jeans and ducks her head.

"I'm sorry, I was just curious."

"Well don't be." I say roughly to her. "Don't talk about her, you don't know her."

"Spencer, I'm sor-"

I cut her off and walk inside. "Whatever."

"_But, Simon." I mumbled to Bethany's lips, the one's I was kissing in the backseat of her car. _

"_Don't care." She said as she kissed me again. She was basically straddling me, my hands were pulling her into me more by her hips._

_I whimpered a little bit when her lips met my neck. _

"_I love kissing you." She murmured and bit down. _

_Bethany was going out with Simon before me and her ever got together, and she was going out with Simon the whole time we _were_ together. He was like a shield. Because we were scared. Scared to even tell our close friends about us. So we stayed best friends in school and in public. None of that was different. _

_But the more time we spent alone together the more I was wanting her to be totally mine. And no one else's. _

On my way upstairs, I storm past Fora and Harley in the living room. I meet her eyes and she follows me upstairs. As soon as I see my door, I kick it. Hard. That door has been taking a beating lately. Some of the wood is even splintering and cracking.

"Spencer." Fora says as she closes the bruised door.

I just sit down on my bed and say nothing.

"Spencer." She repeats, coming to stand in front of me. "Why were you yelling at Ashley?"

"Just because."

Fora rolls her eyes at me. "Not a legitimate answer honey bear."

"She was asking about Bethany, okay? She doesn't even know her, she has no right to be all curious about things she doesn't know about."

"Spence, she doesn't _know_. I'm sure she didn't mean to upset you." Fora says softly.

"Well she did!" I yell. I get up and start pacing around because I don't feel like sitting. Like being still anymore. I am so sick of being still.

"Tell me Spencer." Fora says seriously. She says it so cryptically that I stop pacing and just look at her.

"W-what?"

"Just tell me, please. Tell me or I'll say it."

I know she's daring me. But I'm too scared to say it.

"I have no idea what you're talking about Fora. Just, go back to woo Harley or something."

Fora exhales and meets my eyes. "You and B."

"And how would you even know." I spit.

"Well, besides the fact that you two were painfully obvious sometimes, I saw you. I went to your house once to get my Leo picture-book that I left, and I saw you guys in her car. Like, doing stuff."

I remain silent and just look at Fora.

"I can't believe neither of you said anything." She says quietly.

"When?" I croak out.

"Right before it happened."

"We weren't just messing around, it, we were, I-" I stop talking when I see Fora nodding.

"I know." She fiddles with her fingers and then looks up at me. "Is that why you hated Simon so much?"

"Yes." I admit quietly.

------

My house is quiet. My mother is still at work and Ashley took Harley out for ice cream. She was gone when I went downstairs after bitching at her. After Talking to Fora in my room. Fora went home. And these times, when I am in my house and it is quiet and no one is here. These times are when I hate it the most. Because I would call Bethany and she would come over. Or we would go out. Or we would just stay in my empty house together.

It's not like I don't have other friends. I do and I did. But they weren't Bethany and they might not ever be. And I hate sitting alone in my house. I turn into a zombie.

Maybe I am.

There is that ever-present intense feeling of her being here. Just watching me waste away without her. And sometimes I think I'm going insane. Maybe I already am insane. Because I swear, I swear sometimes I see her. Usually in the dark. And you would think it would hurt less when I "see" her. But it doesn't. It just reminds me that she's not here. But at least I _feel_ the hurt.

I look to my side in the dark living, from where I seated on my couch.

"I miss you." I whisper. And I immediately feel crazy. Like my mind if being run by someone other than myself. It is said so lowly that I barely even heard myself.

My eyes snap closed and then open and I see her faint outline, watching me.

"I feel guilty." I say in the same small voice.

I see her outline nod. She nods. And the nod says _it's okay_. But I'm not sure I believe her.

_I kind of like…_I think to myself and trail off. Bethany's outline gives me a small, sad smile. She knows.

"I'm not mad at you." I say quietly right before my door opens. And her outline fades away from the light trailing in the house and I am alone again.

Harley comes running through the door with an ice cream cone in his hand. "Spencer! Ashley got you one, it's in the kitchen." He says to me with bright blue, happy eyes.

I wipe my right eye just a little bit and nod. "Okay."

"You wanna play a video game with me and Ashley? She's really good, she _almost_ beat me the other day."

I look at my younger brother. I'm quite sure he likes Ashley, his babysitter, more than me. But who would like me? Even if I am his sucky insensitive older sister. But I taught him how to ride a bike, so I think that's a point for me.

"Yeah alright. I bet I can beat you." I tell him.

Harley scoffs and kicks off his black Converse. The ones I remember that me and my father picked out for him. "Only Noel can beat me."

I roll my eyes. And then Ashley walks into the room and stops when she sees me. She puts her head down and sits on the opposite couch as Harley sits himself in the middle of the floor. He gets our _Playstation _ready.

I turn my head to look at Ashley and she does not meet my eyes. "I'm sorry about before." I say quietly so Harley won't hear me. He wouldn't anyway. He's too busy screwing around with the game system and plugging in the controllers.

"It's okay." Is all she says. But she still doesn't meet my eyes. She looks straight ahead and takes the controller Harley hands to her. "I put your ice cream in the freezer."

------

"God, don't you just wanna fuck his brains out?" Fora says to me as she strokes her finger over a picture of Leo in her locker. This one is from _T__he Departed_. "Well not you, like he'd go for _you_."

"And you're saying he'd go for you?" Noel scoffs as he leans next to her.

"A woman can dream." She sings out.

"So, I'm thinking we should go to that Carnival tomorrow." I say slowly.

Noel snaps his head in my direction. "Really? You sure 'bout that?"

I roll my eyes. "We're not in the _South_ Noel. We're in New fuckin' Jersey. And yes, I'm sure _a_bout that. And I'm thinking…we should invite Ashley."

Noel gives me a weird look. "Why are you being all nice?"

"I can be _nice_."

Fora snickers like a child. "She's got a crush on Ashley."

"Zip it Fora." Noel says roughly. I shoot my weird friend a nasty glare. And I think Fora realizes she actually said that out loud. "Spencer would have to be into girls for that to work out." He says like it's the craziest thing that could ever happen. Like the dinosaurs would come waltzing back onto the Earth before that would happen.

"Oh, no I meant.." Fora gives me a look that is apologetic. I wish she would think before she said things sometimes. "I meant, _I _have a crush on Ashley."

Noel rips his eyes away from mine and looks at Fora with a confused expression on his face. "You do?"

She slams her locker shut. "Why is it more believable that I like girls than Spence does?"

"Yeah, Fora would rather screw anything with an appendage." I laugh out.

I get a mean look from her for that. "I have _standards_." Noel and I both stop and just look at her. She rolls her eyes and squints them at us. "I have them, I never said they were high."

------

At lunch, I find an empty bathroom stall to go into for a minute of privacy. I dial a number and wait as the phone rings annoyingly in my ear. It rings and rings and I berate myself for actually thinking that he would pick up. _Hi, you've reached Arthur Carlin, please leave a message after the beep._

I take a breath. "Hi, it's Spencer. Thanks for picking up. Mom said you called."

And I leave it at that. I end the call and then press one of my speed dials. It doesn't ring at all but goes straight to voicemail. _Hey! This is Bethany, you're here but I'm not, sooo leave a message after the…_Beep.

"We're going to the Carnival, but it's not like I'm, you know, replacing that memory. I just am going. I haven't left you a message in a while, so I thought I would. Anyway, oh, I egged Simon's car about a week ago. I know you're probably mad but it was really funny, I swear."

I hang up my cell phone and close my eyes. I feel crazy. And I know there is a cell phone in my room, in a box, under my bed, filled with hundreds of messages that I will never listen to.

------


	6. six

_I want to thank you all so very much for all the wonderful reviews, story alerts, favorites, and things like that. They make me happy :) So thank you!_

* * *

  
Picture this:

You're standing in the middle of a field and there are lights all around you. There are metal machines going very fast and making scary noises. There are people yelling and screaming and running around. But you're just standing there. Because this is normal. No one thinks anything of this madness.

No, you're not being invaded by aliens. And no, you're not in Las Vegas.

You're at a carnival.

It's creepy, if you really think about it. How many horror movies have some kind of carnival setting? Probably a bunch. And you always see those scary-ass clowns coming to kill you. You tell your friend, _no, don't leave me_. But they do because they think they know what's going on and they're going to get imaginary help. Then _BAM_ they're trapped in a fun-house forever.

I mean, have you ever _seen __House of 1000 Corpses_?

"I can't believe that kid almost threw up on me." Fora says as she wipes her hands on her pants. "And to think, I thought he was hot."

"Tragedy." Noel says as he rolls his eyes.

"Clowns always kind of scared me." Ashley says nervously as she looks around.

I turn my head to glance at her. "Me too."

"Oh yeah." Noel laughs as he walks backwards so he is facing Ashley and I. "Didn't Harley dress up as a clown last Halloween? And then you peed your pants, literally peed them when he popped up from behind the couch" Noel starts to laugh hard and hold his stomach.

I hear Ashley start to snicker gently next to me.

"Yeah, that was really funny. Thanks guys." I say as I give Noel's shoulder a shove. "I _really_ liked those pants too." I mumble to myself.

"Ferris Wheel!" Fora screams as she points to it and runs in that direction.

Ashley gives me a confused look as her, me, and Noel follow the crazy screaming girl who is Fora. "Fora thinks she is going to be proposed to on a ferris wheel." I tell Ashley seriously.

When we get up to the ride, I notice Ashley's hesitancy before stepping from the platform into the small little seat-cart thing. Her hands fidget together as she sits next to me before the ride starts. And when it does, I see Noel and Fora in the cart in front of us, Fora already purposely swinging it back and forth. That is why I didn't go with her. Noel turns around and mouths _I hate you_ to me and then tries to make Fora stop. He can't.

The Ferris Wheel starts to go up and I see Ashley has her eyes closed.

"Ashley? Are you okay?"

She nods, her curls being blown just a little bit by the wind, and the tint from the breeze in the air makes her cheeks look cute and red. "I'm just, um, a little scared of heights."

"You are?"

"Actually, I'm a lot scared of heights." She gulps and opens one eye, looking over the side.

"Ashley." I breathe out. "Why didn't you say? You could have waited."

She shakes her head and opens the other eye. Now they are both open and they are wide. "I didn't want to make it uneven. And then you'd have to sit alone." She glances at me and smiles before looking over the edge again.

I almost want to _aww_ at her words, because it's a really sweet gesture.

"You didn't have to, but thanks. And don't worry." I make my eyes meet hers. "Only like two carts ever fall each time, so we have good odds."

Her brown eyes go wide and panicky. "What?"

"I'm kidding." I say quickly. "I'm kidding, I'm sorry." I repeat. I feel horrible because Ashley just looked like she was about to puke. She calms down a bit and gives me a short glare.

"You're an ass."

I cough and look at her. The word _ass_ sounds funny coming out of her mouth. "I know." I admit. I give her a small smile and to my relief she rolls her eyes at me but returns it afterwards. "No but seriously, look." I point out over the field to the sky full of stars. "It's pretty. Don't worry about the height."

Ashley leans over me to look over the edge one more time and because she's so close, I can smell her. She smells good and I feel dazed for a moment. She's still watching the ground with wide eyes, so I sigh and put my arm around her shoulder. She moves back into place next to me and with one finger, I tilt her chin upwards so she's looking at the sky and not at the height of the ride.

I see a small smile grace her lips and I just watch her watching the sky. It's a terribly intimate moment. One of those where you feel like you're out of your body experiencing it. And I get so caught up in it, in the look on her face, in the darkness of the sky illuminated with some stars, in the breeze that's whispering across us. I don't even notice when we're done and the guy controlling the Ferris Wheel is motioning for us to get out.

"I just love Ferris Wheels." Fora sings as we walk away from the circle ride.

"You're not gunna be proposed to on one." Noel says bluntly.

She squints her eyes at him. "It could happen."

"That was fun though." I say. Noel gives me a small smile and nods his head.

"Yeah it was." Ashley says from my side.

We walk around a little more. We play one of those games where you try to knock over milk cans with a baseball. Fora ends up hitting the guy running the game so we're told to leave the booth. Noel has an intense urge to win a goldfish, I don't know why. So we go to a shooting game. Fora is telling him how to hold the gun correctly as I turn my head to look around. And that's when I see it. I see her, dirty blonde hair, short, green eyes. She's leaning up against the photo booth, arms crossed, smirk on her face. I blink my eyes quickly and she's gone, walking away.

My mouth must be open, eyes wide. Because I feel a hand on my shoulder, Ashley's hand. And then she's saying my name and asking me of I'm alright.

"Yeah, I'm okay." I tell her. I don't think I'm lying this time.

"Dammit!" Noel spits out roughly and throws the toy gun on the counter of the booth. The short, nerdy looking kid with the apron on looks scared as he hastily takes the gun back and out of reach of an angry Noel.

"I told you, you were doing it wrong." Fora says.

"And how would you know?" He asks her.

"My grandpa lives in _Kentucky_." Fora tells Noel, like that explains _everything_.

Noel ignores her. "So you guys wanna go to this party I heard about?"

Noel looks at Fora, Fora looks at me, I look at Ashley and Ashley meets my eyes. She shrugs and says "Sure."

------

The party, to be as least eloquent as possible, is stupid. There's only like a dozen people there and I don't know any of them. Fora starts to dance with some guy and Noel is talking to some people he knows. I spend about half an hour pretending to be engaged in the conversation before I get bored and am ready to leave. Or at least get some fresh air, besides the stale, smoky air I am smelling here is not making my lungs feel nice.

"You wanna take a walk with me?" I ask Ashley. She nods and I go tell Noel we'll be back and to watch Fora. I saw her do some shots. And by _some_, I mean like five.

Ashley and I make our way out the door and down the street. I know where we are, so I just let her follow me. It's dark out, and the road has that look to it like it just rained. Even though it didn't. And the air smells like rain, even though it didn't rain. I like the smell.

"You don't drink?" Ashley asks me after a couple minutes of silence. Her hand brushes up against me and it makes the hair on my arm feel strange.

"Oh, no actually. Do you?"

She nods her head. "Sometimes. If I feel like it. You don't?"

I chuckle. "I'm surprisingly straight-edge."

"Always been?"

"Not really no." I say and drift off my words.

Ashley nods her head and I know, by the look in her eye and by the way she's tapping her fingers, that she wants to ask me something else. But she's holding back. She bites her lip and glances at me, then looks away.

"They're anti-depressants." I tell her calmly.

"I didn't think they were anything else, I just remember seeing you take…something." She says quickly.

I shrug. "It's okay. I don't take them much anymore."

"_Spencer." Bethany whined as she tried to kiss me again, but I pushed her back._

"_Stop. I can…smell him." I told her sadly. Angrily. _

_Her eyes looked down. "You know he doesn't matter. Spence."_

"_Those are nice words, but I hate smelling his cologne." I said roughly, pushing her off of me and getting off of my bed._

"_You know I have to or he'll...I don't know, be suspicious." She sat cross-legged on my bed. _

_I crossed my arms. "So what? You said you were gunna break up with him."_

"_You know how I feel about you. You _know_ you have my heart." She said roughly to me. _

"_Then fucking break up with him!" I almost yelled. I put my hands on my temples and tried to make my headache go away. _

_Bethany sighed. "I don't want to have this stupid fight again."_

"_You never do." I spat. I was so angry at her. But I loved her so much, I just wanted her to myself. I didn't want to share her anymore. "You always find a way to avoid breaking up with him."_

"_What's wrong with just keeping things how they are?" She asked desperately. Bethany went to reach for my hand but I pushed it away. "Why are you being selfish?"_

_I scoffed. "_Me_? Are you kidding me, B? I'm sick of sharing you."_

_Bethany got up from my bed and glared at me. "Spencer. Stop it."_

"_No." I threw her purse at her. "Get out."_

_We stood there looking at each other for what seemed like an eternity, and the she got out._

Ashley and I find ourselves at a small park a few streets down from the house where the party is. We both sit down on a bench, next to each other.

"Why don't you like Noel?" Ashley asks me randomly. I turn to look at her and she is just staring straight ahead. Her eyes focusing on something in the distance.

"I just, I'm not really into…that." I admit.

Ashley blinks. "Me either."

My eyes snap back to her. She still isn't looking away from whatever she was staring at. "Your turn." Ashley says.

I think for a second. There is no doubt that I feel the heaviness of this whole moment. "Why did you keep hanging out with us even when I was an ass to you?" It's something I've been wondering. I mean, if I was her and some girl was being bitchy to me, I wouldn't even think twice.

Ashley finally turns her head to me and meets my eyes with her chocolate ones. "Because you make me laugh." She simply says.

"I like making you laugh." I blurt out before I can stop myself. Ashley just grins wide and nods. I know what Ashley's next question is going to be. Or, at least, I know what she wants to ask but probably won't. So I answer her before she even has a chance to ask again. "Bethany was my best friend." I tell her quietly. Ashley just keeps her eyes on mine. They're soft. "She was…wonderful. She always took the blame for things we did. And, she made really good cookies." I touch the side of my face to make sure there are no tears there. There aren't. "I loved her, more than..." I meet Ashley's eyes once again, because I had looked away. And they're still soft, and they're letting me talk. "Noel and Fora never knew. No one did." I know that Ashley understands what I am painfully trying to tell her. "She died about six months ago."

When it's obvious I'm done, Ashley doesn't speak. She just slowly takes my hand in hers and holds it. She just places it in hers. She doesn't rub it or interlock our fingers. She doesn't do anything. But that small gesture, that simple thing she does, makes a few small tears roll down my cheek.

But I smile at her. Because I like this. Because I like her. Because maybe I need that.

------


	7. seven

* * *

Picture this:

You're dreaming. It's one of those dreams where the you inside the dream, knows that it's just a dream. Have you ever had one of those? They're kind of nice. Because whatever happens, you say to yourself, _it's fine, I'm just dreaming_. I like these kinds. Because the bad isn't real and the good, well, I never have good dreams. Good dreams stopped happening when I was ten and dreamt about being the Queen of England. Or maybe it was another, far away country.

In this dream, there is a car and it's going a bit fast for your liking. You're running after it though, and as hard as you run, you can't quite catch up. You consistently get closer and closer and just at that moment where you can reach out and touch the shiny metal, it speeds up a fraction and you're left to catch up all over again.

Sweat is dripping down your neck and you feel sick. Like if you don't catch the car, something terrible might happen. Something absolutely terrible. You reach an intersection and run your fastest. But it's not enough. It's never enough. There's a flash of light and you wake up. You snap up from your covers, ones you thought were safe but now they just feel restraining.

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

"Hello?" I answer groggily, as people often do when they have just awoken from a dream that has been reoccurring for the last six months. And then I immediately wish I had checked the caller ID. Add that small fact to the long list of regrets that I am currently stashing away in my frazzled brain.

"Hi Spence." Pause. "Did I wake you?"

My frown becomes more exaggerated, because it had already been firmly placed when I woke up. "Yes." I tell my father.

"I'm sorry. I can call back later."

"No." I tell him. Because I know he might not, or I might not pick up. More likely he'll forget, he won't do it on purpose. That's what I hate. He never has bad intentions. He really doesn't. So I find any thing, any one thing to be angry at him about.

Divorce has been my one thing for quite some time.

"No." I repeat. "It's fine."

There is a long pause where neither of us says anything. "I got your message. Sorry I didn't pick up, I was in a meeting." He says hesitantly, slowly. Like I might decide against talking to him and hang up any second.

I might.

"Uh huh." I breathe out. It's not accusatory or sarcastic. Those are just the syllables that my mouth is making. Sometimes you can't help what you say.

"Listen." He starts. He always says that. A lot of people say that. _Listen_, as if I'm not on the phone with him and as if I'm not listening to whoever is speaking clearly through the line. Of course I'm listening. "I'd love to, grab lunch this week, if you want?"

The question mark on the end of his offer makes me agree. Because he asked and he sounded so sad that I can't say no. And maybe a small part of me wants to go see him. Maybe that small part wants to hit him really hard in a place where it will hurt. But I think I have been doing that by ignoring him for a number of months. Perhaps nothing will hurt him worse than that.

"Sure." I say plainly. "Wednesday I can."

He agrees and sounds happy. We agree to meet at a small diner one town over from our house. _My_ house, I mean. He no longer lives there so it's not his anymore.

"Where are you heading off to?" My mother asks me as I tread through the kitchen, grabbing my purse and car keys. The car keys to the car I barely ever drive anymore.

I look at my mom, watch her sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee.

"I'm going to lunch." I tell her, even though it's after school and way past lunchtime. "You're home." I say, realizing just now that she should be at work.

"Very perceptive of you." Paula smirks, finally meeting my eyes. She looks tired. "I have a break, Ashley should be here when you get back, from…" She leaves it open, like a fill in the blank test.

"From lunch, with dad." I answer. Unfortunately, my voice cracks even though I really didn't want it to.

My mother looks at me skeptically. "Really?"

I sigh and roll my eyes. "Yes Paula, really." I assure her, letting her know that the days of me lying to her and going somewhere different than where I told her are over. And have been for a while.

"Alright. Well, be nice. And tell your father Harley and I say hello." She gives me a real smile and goes back to drinking her coffee peacefully.

I never understood how a divorce could be so civil. All my other friends who ever had divorced parents talked about the fights, and the arguments over money and property and all that bullcrap. The jealousy of new spouses, new lives. But none of that is here. There is not even a small trace of it. And I'm not sure I'm relieved or angered by this. If you're going to do something, then go all the way. Like gambling. The fact that my parents just simply fell out of love is a lost concept to me. If that's even a real thing, then I don't know what to make of it. I think of it kind of like how I think of the universe. You know it's there and that there are planets. But the Earth is just some small piece of rock floating in the air. I mean, what's with that? How exactly does that happen?

On my drive to the diner, I try to find an angry song to listen to. One that will get my blood pumping and make me grip the steering wheel and drive faster than what is acceptable New Jersey state law. Instead, all I find is _Prince_ and I end up singing lyrics I had no idea I even knew.

My father is already there when I pull up, and see him sitting in a booth through the window. He's wearing a dark navy suit and an incredibly ugly tie that I know I gave to him one Christmas in the past.

"Hey Spence." He says with a large smile. He gets up and gives me a tight hug while I pretend to not like it. Not miss it.

"Hi." I say as I sit down, taking a sip of the water that is already in front of me.

"How are you?" He asks. His large hand runs through his graying dark hair and I see his eyes are not shining as brightly as they once used to.

I shrug. "I'm alright. Mom and Harley say hi."

My father nods and a small smile graces his face. "I just saw Harley last week, we went to the batting cages. He, uh, needs some practice."

Against my bitter judgment, I let out a small chuckle. Harley is really better at soccer. And I remember that one time that we were playing softball and mid-swing the bat just flew out of his hand and hit me right on the forehead. I think I was too shocked to feel all of the pain.

"Yeah, he's pretty good at soccer, though." I say.

"I'm really glad you decided to meet me." My father blurts out, ignoring the space-fillers about soccer and baseball. Not that my younger brother is not important. "I missed you."

Those three words make me meet his eye, and I can tell he means them. There is no doubt I missed him too, it was just buried six feet under all the anger I was/am feeling.

"Yeah, well." Is all I say.

We sit in silence for some time while we decide what to order. And then we sit in some more silence after he orders a salad and I order a cup of soup. I tap my hands on the table, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. I want to get out, this was a bad idea.

My father asks me what's new. I tell him nothing. More silence. I dip crackers in my soup. He puts pepper on his salad.

"Spencer." He says after chewing a forkful of lettuce. "I know you're mad at me."

"Very perceptive of you." I mimic my mother's earlier words.

"I just, I'm sorry. I want it to be alright between us. You know I love you and would never intentionally hurt you."

I glare at him and the words come out of me before I can stop them. "Well maybe you should have thought about that before you divorced mom at the worst time ever."

He blinks, the wrinkles by his eyes prominent. "Is that…"

"Why I'm angry?" I finish for him. "Yes, _Arthur_. I'm not four, I get it that you and mom wanted a divorce, okay. Whatever. But why then? B had _just_, you know, just died. And then you decide this."

My father frowns. Because I'm sure he can hear the sadness in my voice. The same emotion that I was trying very hard to keep out. "Spencer, I'm so sorry. This was going on way before Bethany. That happened horribly out of nowhere. You're right. It was horrible timing. But sometimes life doesn't care about timing."

I push my soup a little bit away from me and take a sip of water. Part of me knows he is right. That part of me is also happy my parents are civil to each other, that they still talk. That my dad _wants_ me to be a part of his life. That part of me loves my father. The other part of me is angry that these things had to happen all at once.

So angry.

Eventually, my father and I leave the diner. He says to call him sometime if I want to get lunch again, or see a movie. I say okay, thinking that I might just do that. Because this wasn't the hell I quite imagined it to be. It wasn't a fun parade either. But maybe, just maybe I'm a little less angry than I was before.

------

"Hey." I greet Ashley when I come through the back door of my house. She's in the kitchen, where I have learned she spends most of her time in my house. There is something comforting about her being here when I get home. Something comforting about her presence that I can't put my finger on. Because a smile appears on my face and on hers as she says hello to me.

"What's up?" I ask her as I take a seat on a stool.

Ashley shrugs. "Nothing really, Harley is watching _Jurassic Park_."

I smile and chuckle a little bit. "That's cool. But, what's up with _you_?"

"Oh." Ashley says. She thinks for a second. "Nothing."

"Not a _Jurassic Park_ fan?""

"I was thinking about joining him soon. I just, I really like your kitchen." She says quickly. "That sounds weird, right."

I laugh and nod. I hold my thumb and index finger close together. "Just a little bit."

"I like the wallpaper."

"The _Brady Bunch_ theme Paula's got going? Really?"

Ashley smiles wide and nods. She has dimples when she smiles like that and I like them. They're very cute. We stay in a peaceful silence, just looking at each others eyes for a few moments. Hers are pretty. I am surprised to find that I continue to find new things about her that are adorable and gorgeous.

"Are your parents divorced?" I ask her randomly. The moment I see her face change from a half smile to a full frown I regret asking it. She looks sad, and Ashley looking sad is something that I just this instance decided I hate seeing.

"Um, well. No. My dad actually." Ashley starts to talk and glances at me before she finishes. "My dad actually died about two years ago."

I mentally scold myself for being such an ass. "Oh, shit, I'm sorry. Ashley I wouldn't-"

She cuts me off. "Hey, it happened. You didn't know, it's okay, seriously."

"Well, I'm still sorry." I tell her sincerely.

She shrugs. "Don't be. I stopped blaming myself a long time ago."

I look at her and tilt my head. "Blaming yourself?"

"Yeah, the night before he died, we got into a really big fight. About something stupid, you know. And then the next morning we were still fighting. He passed of a heart attack that afternoon. I mean, I know that he loved me and that our stupid fight about, being out late, didn't cause that. But, still." Ashley explains slowly, watching me.

I just nod, wringing my hands together. "I just saw my dad today for the first time in a really long time." I tell her. I don't know why. I'm not sure if that's a selfish thing to say after someone just told you their father is dead. I'm not sure on the etiquette of this type of situation, usually because I'm on the other end of it. The deceased-loved-one end.

Ashley just nods. She doesn't look upset anymore. She is just…still. "Good. You should see him." She tells me.

She doesn't have to tell me why she thinks that.

_Bethany got up from my bed and glared at me. "Spencer. Stop it."_

"_No." I threw her purse at her. "Get out."_

_We stood looking at each other for what seemed like an eternity, and then she got out. _

_She got out of my room and I watched her back leave. I was so sick of smelling Simon on her when we'd be together. She would come straight from his house. And even though she swore all they did was kiss, I still hated it. His cologne smelt like heartbreak and it was worse every time I smelled it on her. I wanted her to break up with him. But she was scared. _

_That night I went to bed angry. Angry at her for not leaving him. Angry at Simon for hogging her. Angry at myself for falling in love with my best friend._

_I was woken up by my mother around three that morning. She shook me and I opened my eyes, seeing Paula standing over my bed with running mascara and a hand over her mouth. _

_When she started to talk, I only caught a few words at a time from her rushed mouth. Or perhaps these were just the words I chose to hear. _

"_Bethany…driving with Simon…intersection…drunk driver…passenger side…Simon unharmed…Bethany not going to make it…so sorry…should go to hospital…Spence…"_

"Ashley! Can we go to Wendy's?!" Harley yells louder than necessary as he comes running into the kitchen. "Oh, hi Spencer."

I roll my eyes. "Hi Har."

"Yeah sure, let me get my things." Ashley says as she walks to the other side of the island. Harley starts to jump up and down, chanting _milkshake, milkshake, milkshake._ "You wanna come with us Spencer?" She asks me.

I bring my eyes to Ashley. She's smiling at me. I smile back.

"Okay."

------


	8. eight

* * *

Picture this:

You are in a very, very large building. There are people all around, they're walking, they're talking, they're even arguing. There are doors everywhere and sometimes you're not sure which one to go into. Perhaps you don't have time. Or you might not want to be tempted.

Well, you're at the mall. The mall is a place of…worship for some people. It's like a speed dater, sometimes. Going around, looking at the people, wondering who you might be interested in. Whether or not that cute guy at the pretzel stand has a girlfriend or whether that pretty girl who works at _Bath and Body Works_ might, possibly be gay. The mall is really some kind of cruel puzzle.

"Come on, we need to go to _Claire's_." Fora says in a loud voice as Noel, Ashley, and I groan. We all steal looks at each other. "What? Don't be babies, I need earrings." Fora directs her eyes towards me, and I will her not to say what I think she's going to say. "Spencer made me spend a whole hour in there once to buy a _Hannah Montana_ bracelet."

Ashley looks at me and gasps and laughs at the same time. Noel just cracks up because he already knew that, but loves teasing me about it.

"It was a joke." I say seriously. "A joke, alright, let's just go." I walk ahead of them and shake my head back and forth.

Fora immediately starts to inspect every single pair of earrings that _Claire's_ has to offer. Noel goes to hit on the salesgirl.

"_Hannah Montana_, huh? Didn't peg you as a _Disney Channel_ fan, Spence." Ashley says with a chuckle. Her hand is running over a red and black checkered bandana that is hanging from the wall. And then I realize that that is the very first time that Ashley has called me 'Spence.' It makes my mouth involuntarily smile and my stomach makes a weird lurching sensation inside my body.

Ashley turns her head towards me as she continues to laugh. "I told you, it was a joke. I thought it would be funny." I tell her.

"Right." Her eyes are twinkling somewhat from the ugly overhead lights in the store. "It took an hour, for that joke."

"Yes." I say stoically. "Yes it did."

She takes few steps to the side and pulls something off the wall. Ashley hands me a _Jonas Brothers_ bandana. "What's your feelings on them?"

I glare at her but can't help the small smile on my face. She's just too cute to be angry at, even annoyed at. "They're shitty."

"'Cause they're talentless or because they're guys?" She asks, quieter. Her tone isn't as playful as before, but she's still smiling.

"Both." I say before I catch her eyes and then look away quickly.

"That girl is totally into me." Noel says as he steps up to Ashley and I in the back of the store. "She was all giggly."

"Did you get her number, hot shot?" I ask with a snort.

I am trying to tell if Noel is trying to make me jealous or if he is actually interested. I'm pretty sure it's harmless. Because I don't feel the slightest bit jealous. Actually, the idea of Noel and me seems a thousand years old. Ancient history. And then I wonder why that is when the idea of Bethany and me seems so much more recent than it actually is.

This line of thinking is painfully heart-wrenching in a way I cannot grasp. I must be frowning because Ashley is looking at me weirdly.

"I might go try. How should I, like, approach that?" Noel asks honestly. His tone is so innocent and shy almost.

"Just go talk to her, I'm sure you'll be fine." I tell him and give him a smile. Ashley nods in agreement, even though her eyes are still on me. I can feel them.

"Okay." Noel says with a grin, then walks back to the counter where his girl is.

I continue to look through the bandanas, moving each aside to see the ones behind. It seems like the best ones are hidden in the back. I wonder why that is. I look to my side and see Ashley watching me with a weird expression on her face. I narrow my eyebrows in confusion. "What?"

She shrugs, and looks away.

"Why is Noel talking to that whore in a basket?" Fora asks roughly as she stands beside Ashley with seven pairs of earrings in her hands. They are all weird, like turtles, or small pandas. And she has a pair that just says _bitch_ in block letters. I look at them in her hand and tilt my head at her.

"I don't know, he thinks she's hot or something." I tell her.

Fora glances over to Noel, who is currently leaning across the counter and saying something apparently funny, because the girl is giggling like a fool. "She's not." Fora announces. "Do you think so?"

"Why are you asking me?" I say quickly, looking away.

Fora makes a dramatic breathing sigh sound. "God, because I feel like it."

"I don't think she is." Ashley says slowly, giving the girl at the counter a cursory glance.

Fora rolls her eyes and picks of a pink belt. "Of course you don't. You're too hot yourself."

"_Fora_." I hiss, and turn my head. I see Ashley duck her head and part of her cheek is a reddish color.

"Just stating the obvious. Jeez, you two need to take a chill pill." Fora puts the pink belt back on the wall and announces that she now needs to go pay for the million things that she's buying. Including a _Hello Kitty_ notepad. I watch her bombard the counter and dump her handful of things on top of it. Interrrupting the flirting going on between the cashier girl and Noel. I see Noel's eyes glare at Fora and she just chats up the girl who she thinks is a "whore in a basket."

When I turn around, Ashley is no longer next to me, but on the other side of the store. She is inspecting some key chains. I look at her tight grey jeans slung on her hips and coloful hoodie that is not too tight, but just tight enough. I tell myself that I'm not checking her out, I'm just _observing_. What's wrong with a litter observance?

-------

"What can I get you?" The girl behind the ice cream counter at the food court asks Ashley, who is standing in line in front of me. I look over to see Noel and Fora bickering on the _Cinnabon_ line. I can tell they're bickering because Noel keeps turning his back on Fora and she keeps shoving him to look at her. At one point, she even drops her bags to the ground to pull his shoulders back.

"Just a vanilla cone." Ashley says.

The girl nods and glances back to Ashley. "I like your sweatshirt." She says sweetly, with a smile on her face.

"Oh, uh, thanks." Ashley stutters. The girl continues to look at Ashley as she assembles the cone. Even after Ashley has paid and I am next, the girl continues to watch Ashley. I cough suggestively and her eyes snap back to me.

"What can I get you?" She asks me too. But my question is plain and not infused with a smile. I narrow my eyes at her name tag.

"I'll have a chocolate cone, thanks _Robin_." I say and give a condescending smile. As to say, _y__eah, serve me my ice cream you bitch._ The girl's red hair and freckles annoy me as she makes me my ice cream. I pay her, and she doesn't compliment my sweatshirt or give me a smile goodbye.

I turn to leave. "Come on." I say to Ashley. She starts to walk with me to a table, but then turns around.

"I need some napkins. I'll get you some." She say as she goes back over to the counter.

I walk over to a free table just as Noel and Fora come over to it. Fora has, quite possibly, the largest cinnabun I have ever seen. And Noel has a very small one.

"Fora here made them make her a bigger one." Noel says, as he rolls his eyes and sits down in a seat.

"Their large was like, really small." She says simply, taking a large bite of her huge-ass treat.

"They made you one that was not even on the menu." Noel deadpans. His bun is now gone. He must have scarfed that baby down because I could have sworn it was just in his hands.

"Where's Ashley?" Fora inquires.

I jerk my thumb over to the ice cream counter and let my eyes go over there. Ashley is talking to that girl, who is basically leaning over the counter. Right as she turns around to come back, I snap my eyes away and pretend to look somewhere else.

"I just got hit on." Ashley says nervously. Her voice is frazzled and her expression confused.

I look at her. "By that girl?"

"Yeah, Robin." She says, taking a lick of her cone. "She asked for my phone number."

Noel expresses a frustrated sigh. "Why is it so easy for that to happen to you? I talked to the girl in _Claire's_ for like, an hour and she wouldn't give me her number."

Ashley shrugs. "It's usually not that easy, actually."

"So, Ashley." Noel says, turning to her. "Are you…gay?"

"Um, I'm open-minded." Ashley says quietly and slowly.

After that, we decide that the girl at _Claire's_ was a "whore in a basket" and I silently agree with myself that that ice cream Robin girl is also a "whore in a basket."

------

"God, I hate your stupid metal." Fora complains, for the fiftieth time, from the front seat of Noel's car. He just turns it louder and laughs.

"Do you, uh, think that girl was cute?" Ashley asks me. She is right next to me in the back seat of Noel's _Jeep_. It's small, so she's quite close.

"What girl?" I ask, playing dumb for reasons I am not sure of.

"That one from the ice cream place. Robin."

I meet Ashley's eyes and her chocolate ones are bright. I wonder just why she is asking me. Maybe she wants to know what I think about the girl who hit on her. Maybe she wants advice.

"Sure, you know. I mean, you know, if you like freckles and stuff. Which can be, you know cute. Why? Do you think she's, you know, cute?" I immediately wonder to myself if I could have possibly said the phrase _you know_ one more fucking time in those few sentences.

"Yeah, she's pretty cute. _You know_?" Ashley smirks and I know her added on _you know_ is in mockery of me.

I don't mind.

When we get to my house, Noel drops both me and Ashley off. Because Harley had requested to see her this Saturday afternoon.

"Hi Ashley!" He screams in a pitch too loud for human ears. He hugs her and Ashley returns his hug with a smile.

"Hey buddy. What are you up to?" She asks as he takes her hand and leads her over to the living room.

I look at their hands and think _lucky bastard_. And then I take it back. Because I don't know what's worse. That I called my younger brother a bastard or that I said it _because_ he was holding Ashley's hand. I shake my head, like that ever does anything significant, and go into the kitchen. I need a drink. Maybe a scotch.

I settle for Apple juice. Which I highly prefer.

_I walked in constant circles in the hospital. My eyes hurt, badly. They were red and rough. They felt like they had been on fire. Like someone poured gasoline on them and threw a match at me. Burning. Similar to how my heart was feeling._

_I rested my forehead against the cold wall of the hallway. I slammed my fist into the wall. I didn't feel the pain. So I did it again. _

_Then I felt arms around me and I was being turned around. My head being pressed into Noel's shirt. I felt his chest rising up and down with sobs. I clutched my hands around him. _

_She was, _dead on impact_, is what the doctors had said. Why my mother had said she might not make it irked me. Or perhaps I imagined those words in my sleepy state. I was still wishing I was asleep and this was just a game. _

_Another body encircled me from behind. I knew it was Fora and I immediately started to heave into Noel's chest as I felt Fora crying behind me._

_I opened my eyes for a second and caught sight of a guy standing over to the side, his head down. And even in my blurry vision, I could tell who it was. I ripped myself away from my two friends, to two remaining people that I loved, and stomped towards the guy. _

"_You fucking bastard!" I screamed in Simon's face as I shoved his shoulder, hard, so he stumbled to the side. _

_He looked surprised. His eyes were red and there were tear stains on his cheek. He had lost her too. "Spencer." He said hoarsely. _

"_Fuck you, fuck." I spit out in a low growling voice. _

_I knew it wasn't his fault. He wasn't the drunk driver that ran the red light. I knew that and the fact that I knew that hurt me even more. I wanted to blame him, anyone but myself. I wanted him to feel like he should have died, too. Or instead. I wanted to forget that Bethany and I had had that fight right before she left to be with Simon. _

_I shoved Simon again, then I felt Noel's strong arms gently taking me away. And then I collapsed onto the cold, hard, floor._

_I didn't think my heart was broken. I was sure it just was no longer even there. _

The black box on my bed clashes violently with the white cover that it is sitting on top of. But I don't care. I pick up the visitors bracelet from the hospital. The one I had kept for six months, so far. I put it down and pick up a picture of Bethany kissing me on the cheek. A private picture we had taken in the confines of my bedroom. A place that felt like it could keep us safe.

This is possibly the first time in six months that I have looked at this picture and not felt my heart disappearing all over again. All that happens is that I remember the happiness of taking that picture.

There is a knock at my door, and I put the picture back into the box and close the top. I tell whoever it is to come in as I put the box back in it's sacred spot under my bed.

"Hi." Ashley says. Her eyes glance to the box that I am placing under the bed and back up to mine.

"Hey." I say quietly. I hope there were no tears on my face. Sometimes they just sneak up on me. Catching me off guard.

"Sorry, uh, did I interrupt something?" She asks nervously.

I shake my head. "No, it's cool. What's up?" I ask, trying to give her a smile. Doing that has been getting easier and easier recently.

"Harley just, pretty much asked me out." Ashley laughs after saying it.

I snort. "No way. What did you say?"

Ashley shrugs and crosses her arms over her chest. "I told him sure."

I smile at her, sure that she probably just made my brother's dreams come true. One word for my brother courses through me after she tells me how she answered him:

_Lucky_.

------


	9. nine

_Thank you all for reading :) And yep, that's the same Robin. She has decided to make another appearance. Hope you enjoy!  


* * *

_

_Picture this:_

Somewhere along in our lives, we were all taught to say what we feel. Well, I find this be quite difficult sometimes.

"Spencer." I hear my mother say my name from the kitchen. It is said in that serious tone, like _Spencer, get your ass in here right now._ She would say that usually. But I'm guessing since Ashley is still here, about to leave, she's just saying the first word of that lovely statement.

"Yes?" I answer her as I walk into the kitchen. I tilt my head and put my hands on my hips.

She looks at me, her eyes peering over a piece of paper in her delicate hands. "Why does this say that you're failing your English class?"

"I'm not sure what you're saying, Paula." I say slowly, sitting down on a stool.

She gives me a hard look and pushes the paper towards me. "I'm saying stop failing."

I roll my eyes and hop down from the stool. Ashley and Harley are in the living room. She is trying to get her stuff ready to go home but Harley keeps bombarding her with questions.

"Favorite color?" He inquires. He has a small notepad and is writing everything down in messy handwriting in a green _Crayola_ marker.

"Blue." Ashley says absentmindedly while she puts her phone in her purse.

"Favorite dinosaur?" He asks, his eyes shining happily.

"Um, that flying one." She says, giving him a smile.

Harley nods, and for a fleeting moment he looks like some kind of psychiatrist, writing down all her answers. "Good choice."

"Hey." She says, turning to me when all her things are gathered. "Um, if you need some help with school stuff, I can help you. I'm kind of a nerd."

I momentarily feel embarrassed that she heard about my downward spiral in school work. But she's giving me a sweet smile and her words are sincere. So that feel quickly dissipates. "Yeah, sure." I nod my head. Harley has disappeared and now Ashley and I are alone in the dim living room. "Thanks."

Ashley shrugs. "No problem. I mean, I'm at your house anyway, so."

I nod and we stand in silence for a short second. "What are you doing tomorrow night?" I ask her, because I want to invite her to come to the movies with me, Fora, and Noel. Ashley has been hanging out with us a lot recently and I like her company. Every time is better than the last.

"Oh." Ashley says quietly. Her eyes go to her sneakers and I give her a curious expression. "I'm actually, um, you remember that Robin girl from the-"

"Ice cream place in the mall." I say, cutting her off.

Ashley nods, her curls bouncing around her face. "Yeah her. She asked me to hang out, and I didn't have any other plans. So, I think we might." He eyes come back to meet mine and there is something in them. I'm not sure what it is though. And she's looking into my own blue ones like there's something in them she can't figure out either.

I blink and try to conjure up a name for this weird feeling I am experiencing. It's not really jealousy, I know what jealousy feels like. It kind of feels like somebody just tightened my chest with their hands. Wrung me out like a wet towel. My eyebrows furrow unconsciously. "Oh, okay." I say, trying for the words to be even. I am half successful.

Ashley's chocolate eyes are still watching me. "Unless, I shouldn't?" The question mark on the end of her statement catches me off guard. Should she? Is there any reason she shouldn't go out with her? Is there? The girl seems to like Ashley, think she's cute. Which she is, I hate to admit, right about. I look at the curly-haired brunette watching me. Her brown eyes are looking like they're daring me to say something. And not just _anything_. Something important. Something pivotal, monumental even. I want to, but the words are stuck like glue in my mouth. And they're hardening.

"No, go ahead." I choke out. I try to give her a reassuring smile, and this smile seems to be the hardest one to form yet.

Ashley nods and says she'll see me later. Then she's gone and all I am left with is a pang of regret. And I am too tired to explore exactly why that is what I'm feeling. I don't think I have the energy for that just yet.

------

"I don't know." I say flatly.

Noel looks at from across the table we are sitting at in the library. "Do you know any of them?"

"No." I tell him.

We're studying vocabulary for a quiz we have next period and my mind is on everything but the words _flotsam_ and _gregarious_.

"Shit from a ship that's like, floating around in the water and washing up on shore." Fora says, her face buried inside of a book.

Noel rolls his eyes. "Yeah, but please don't put _shit_ on her quiz."

"I wasn't going to." Fora spits out. "Is Ashley coming with us to the movies tonight?"

I drum my fingers on the wooden table. They move over the surface to find some words carved in them. The initials _MS_ and _KB_ are inscribed inside of a sloppy, sideways heart. I look at them and wonder who _MS _and _KB_ are. I wonder if they are still together or if maybe this was just someone's fantasy. Carved into the wood while listening to a boring lecture or while doing research for a paper.

"She has plans." I tell Fora and Noel. Noel is scribbling furiously inside his notebook.

"Oh my gosh, with that girl that hit on her?"

"Yeah, Ribon on something." I tell Fora.

She meets my eyes and tilts her head. "You mean Robin?"

I shrug. "Sure."

"What do you guys wanna see?" Noel asks as he lifts his head up, looking from me to Fora and back again. "And no chick flick." He adds quickly right as Fora had opened her mouth.

I snort. "Don't pretend you don't like them."

Fora laughs and nods. "Yeah, didn't you like cry when we watched _10 Things I Hate About You_."

Noel just rolls his eyes. "That's just a good movie, okay?" He says defensively, tapping his pencil on the table. "I'm kind of in the mood to see something scary."

"Alright. As long as Fora doesn't run out of the theater screaming like when we went to go see _Saw III_." I say seriously.

"I'll be fine." Fora says, and then adds "douchebags" quietly afterwards.

Noel stands up and packs his messenger bag. "I gotta go to my locker before the quiz. See you guys later." He gives a small wave and walks out of the library.

I continue to trace the heart and initials in the table for a few moments before Fora coughs and starts to talk to me.

"What's with you?" She asks seriously. Her book is closed and she's biting on her _Hello Kitty_ pencil.

"What? Nothing."

"You've been weird today." She thinks for a second, her eyes going up to the ceiling, like the ceiling is going to tell her that I don't like that Ashley is going out with that stupid ice cream girl instead of hanging out with us. "Is it because of Ashley?" Apparently, the ceiling did tell her that.

"What about her? She can do what she wants." I tell her honestly. Because she can. I have no right to have control over what she does.

"Yeah." Fora drawls out. "But you're pissed she's hanging out with that girl and not with us. Am I correct?"

I let out a breath and remember to give Fora more credit in the future. She is in no way dim. She's just kind of strange, I guess. _Very_ strange. She is wearing a beret and I want to tell her that _we're not in France_ but I stop myself.

"Perhaps."

"Fine, I'm going to pry things out of you Spencer." She tells me in her fake angry and serious voice.

"There's nothing to pry." A Lie.

"Uh huh. I'll just wait for you to tell me that you've got some weird thing for Ashley."

"I do not have a _thing_." I say quickly and defensively. "You're a fool. And I'll tell you that when you tell me you've got a _thing_ for Noel." I say, putting a smirk on my face.

Fora stares at me and rolls her eyes. "Noel? Please. Don't be an idiot…no offense." She adds.

"None taken."

------

"Who do you think would in a fight between ketchup and mustard?"

"What?" I say as I turn my head towards Noel, who has a very pensive look on his face.

"Mustard." Fora answers. She is chewing on a long piece of red licorice. "Definitely."

"Why?" I ask, actually curious as to her reasoning to Noel's question.

"Because mustard doesn't really smell very good. Or, well it has a more pungent smell than, say, ketchup, therefore it would win."

"Nah." Noel says. "I think that because ketchup is just plain better, it would win. It's more popular."

The three of us are sitting inside the movie theater on a couch. We are insanely early because Noel gets paranoid about being late to movies. So we are resorted to talking about things like ketchup and mustard in a fight. A lot of the time, being in a movie theater is similar to sitting in an airport. There are always many people to watch. There are mothers and daughters out for an evening of bonding. Sisters out for the same experience. And I've counted, oh, about five hundred thousand couples so far. Buff guys with small, fragile girlfriends. Two people on a first date. Those are always easy to pick out. They're usually weary and trying to hold the others hand but not sure how to go about it. Then there's those who look like they're together but you can just _tell_ that they're not. Maybe they're in a loose relationship. Not wanting to be tied down.

"I agree with you." I give my words in Noel's direction.

Fora is about to argue but a husky voice interrupts her, and I look to my side to see Ashley with a light smile on her face. That red head right next to her, looking like she just won the lottery. The lottery in the form of Ashley Davies.

"Hey." She says.

"Hey Ashley!" Fora for says excitedly and stands up to give the brunette a hug. Noel gives her a smile.

I open my mouth and lock my eyes on Ashley's. "Hey, fancy seeing you here." And then I frown because I don't think I have ever uttered that phrase in all my twenty years. Alright, seventeen years.

I look at Robin and she is basically hopping up on down on the heels of her _Adidas_ sneakers, her hands swinging back and forth. She looks at Ashley, as to say _introduce me to your friend_s!

"Guys, this is Robin." Ashley says, motioning her hands outwards. "Robin, this is, um, Fora, Noel, and Spencer."

"Nice to meet you." She smiles warmly. I search the girl with the abundance of freckles for any meanness or snide comments that might be hiding behind the surface. To my dismay, I find none. Then I look over to Ashley and she looks happy. Her hands are in her pockets, but when her chocolate eyes meet my blue ones, she blinks.

"What are you guys seeing?" Robin asks us all, trying to make nice conversation.

Noel tells her the scary one and she says they're seeing a different one. Someone says something and then someone says something else. Then Ashley says they're going to be late and says goodbye. As they are walking away, they're still close enough so I catch Ashley handing Robin her ticket from the back pocket of her pants.

I point my finger at their backs and, unfortunately, not in a subtle matter. And I open my mouth wide and look back and forth between Noel and Fora.

"What's up with you, mimey?" Noel says, angling his dark eyebrows in confusion.

"Date." I speak one word. "Did you see that? Ashley gave her a ticket." That's a date right there. A _date_. Not just hanging out. Ashley must have bought Robin her ticket. That's no normal just hanging out.

"You sure?" Noel asks, looking back towards Ashley and the red head still walking away down the hall. "They weren't standing very close to each other."

I want to point out to him the way Robin looked like a giddy child during a Fourth of July parade. And the way Ashley looked nervous with her hands in her pocket. But I don't.

"Yeah I think they were." Fora says, squinting her eyes and brushing her long, dark hair over her shoulder. She thinks she is subtle when she glances at me to gauge my reaction but it's about as subtle as a brick in my back.

The movie we eventually go to watch is not scary. The blood and the gore does not scare me. The people running around screaming their faces off do not scare me. I think I even yawn at one point. Fora, apparently, does not feel similar. Because by the end of the movie, she has accidentally ripped Noel's shirt because she got so scared during one scene.

"Damn it Fora." Noel mumbles as we walk out of the theater. But he gives her an adoring kind of glare, which is new to me.

"I said I was sorry. Gosh, I'll buy you a new shirt." She says loudly. "I have to go to the bathroom."

"Me too. I'll be right out." Noel says as they go into their respective doors and I wait outside with my arms crossed. My foot tapping on the ugly carpeted ground. I step on a piece of popcorn that is close to me and hear it crunch. And then Ashley is next to me, talking.

"How was your movie?" She asks quietly.

I shrug. "Not as scary as I thought it would be. How was yours?" I ask and look at her for the first time during the exchange. I peer my eyes to the sides of her and see no Robin in sight. I'm going to guess she's probably in the bathroom.

"It was alright."

"How is Robin?" I almost want to ask how is _your date_, but I refrain from doing so.

"She's really nice." Ashley says with a smile. But she says nothing else.

I just nod in response. And then, right at that moment, a reel of imaginary future events starts to play quickly in my mind before I can stop it. Ashley telling me about Robin, Ashley and Robin starting to go out, Robin hanging out with us, being all couple-y with each other. Harley hanging out with Robin and Ashley and liking just another person better than me. Me, alone, stealing glances at them like a car crash, wanting to look away but not being able to.

It makes my stomach feel queasy.

------


	10. ten

* * *

Picture this:

There are machines all around you. They have all this crazy metal shit in them and some of them were even made by companies who make jets. They're dangerous. You can get severely harmed in operating one.

And they're all lined up strategically in a very hard surface. Some of them are even growling at you.

You're in a parking lot.

I'm in a parking lot. I am in Ashley's school's parking lot, standing quietly next to my car. I decided to skip my gym class right before my lunch and come have lunch with her. I didn't give her much of a choice in the matter, either. I texted her and said _I'm coming to meet you for lunch._ It wasn't a fancy text, it wasn't cute and subtle and there were no smiley faces attached anywhere. Except for the one on my face.

I drove my car to school for the first time in a very long time today. The first time in six months. And I used it to come see this brunette girl. And as much as this girl appears to be nervous and shy on the outside, I am feeling that way three-fold on the inside. We are running in parallel lines.

I tap my keys against my car in anticipation. And then I hear the bell ring. And then I see a curly-haired brunette walking towards the parking lot. Her eyes are squinting as she looks around. But when she spots me a breath-taking smile erupts onto her already gorgeous face. It makes me smile too. It feels nice that it is directed towards me.

"Hey there." I say as I step forward.

"Hi." Ashley says. And I am moving forward and then she is moving forward and we're somehow converged in this embrace. A _hug_. I squeeze her to me and it is different than that awkward hug I gave her a few short weeks ago. This is initiated by both. It feels warmer. I quickly wonder if a kiss on the cheek would be weird or out of line.

Ashley pulls away. "This was a nice surprise."

"Well, I didn't give you much choice." I chuckle and smile at her. "Did I interrupt plans?"

Ashley shakes her head back and forth. "Nope." She eyes me suspiciously for a second. "Did you skip a class?"

"Uh, well. Gym's not really a class, in my book."

Ashley raises an eyebrow. The word _sexy_ comes to the front of my mind. What exactly is going on here? "You better hope I don't tell your mom."

"You wouldn't." I say seriously as we start to walk to a shaded area by the edge of the school.

"We'll see."

When we finally sit down, I see Ashley take out a brown paper bag from her school bag. It makes me involuntarily smile. It's adorable. And I am almost predicting her to take a shiny red apple out of the bag, along with a juice box. Then I remember that I was all hyped up to get here that I don't have anything to eat.

"That's cute." I tease. "Your mom still packs your lunch."

Ashley chuckles and brings out a sandwich. "Actually, I packed it. My mom goes to work like, when the sun rises."

"Oh." I say. Ashley takes out a large chocolate chip cookie and I laugh.

"Do not make fun of my lunch, Spencer." She says seriously. But her wide smile flashed in my direction tells me she's joking.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"Where's yours?"

"Um." I start, twisting my hands together. "I don't have anything, but I'm not hungry."

"So, you asked me," Ashley says, taking a bite of her sandwich, "to have lunch when you don't even have a lunch."

"Yes." I nod my head.

"Here." Ashley laughs lightly and breaks her sandwich in two halves. She hands it to me and even when I refuse it, she pushes the bread into my hands.

"Thanks." I say appreciatively.

We are sharing a sandwich. This means something.

"So, are you coming over today?" I ask Ashley as I eat the delicious sandwich. It's so much better than any sandwich I have ever made. I was always the buy-my-lunch kind of girl. But I now realize that this is so much better.

Ashley nods, taking a sip of water. "Yeah, did you, uh, want me to help you with some school work?"

"Okay."

We sit in silence for a little while. We then talk about how our days have been going. I tell Ashley that I had to give a speech in my Spanish class and forgot my notes so I had to make it up on the spot. I spent fifteen minutes talking about pants. She tells me that her science teacher fell asleep during a video about how flowers populate.

"No Spencer, I'm not going to write your essay for you." Ashley says, for the third time in the last five minutes.

"But you said you would help with my school work!"

She shakes her head and laughs. "No."

"I'll pay you." I offer, raising my eyebrows suggestively.

She snorts in laughter but shakes her head. "I'll help you, but I'm not doing it for you."

"Fine, party pooper."

Ashley chuckles lightly, and her eyes glance my way. They're bright and happy, and I really, really like them. They make me feel better. The make me feel…happy. It feels quite nice to feel that emotion again.

"Thanks for coming to have…my lunch with me." Ashley laughs as we walk back to my car.

I shrug. "No problem, it was better than sitting with Noel and Fora and listening to them bicker about who has the better hand writing."

She snickers cutely. "You think they...like each other?"

"I've been wondering that, actually." I answer and Ashley shrugs. I open my door and meet her chocolate eyes. "I'll see you later."

She smiles and nods. "Bye."

I don't leave my parking space until I see Ashley make her way back into her school. I keep watching even when she's gone. And then I see a guy walk towards the steps across from the parking lot. He's not very tall for a guy, but I would be able to spot him anywhere. Even when the last time I saw him, he had tears streaming form his reddened eyes. He is with a girl, he is holding her hand. They then walk into the school together and it looks like Simon is moving on. For a moment, I feel all anger invade me. But then it goes away and I only have one question lingering in my mind.

Am I not doing the same exact thing?

_I stood in the corner of the room, while the people dressed in black talked. They hugged. They shared sad smiles. The shed tears. I stood alone, with a blank face, my hands at my sides. _

_My black dress was itching me and I just wanted to go home and go to bed. _

"_Hey." Noel sad sadly as he approached me. His black collared shirt looked weird on him, his body usually adorned with a light colored t-shirt. His black tie hanging loosely made me want to cry. "How ya doing."_

"_I'm fine." I lied. _

"_You don't have to pretend Spence." Noel said softly as he took my hand. _

_I looked at him. I wanted to say _you have no fucking clue. _But I had no energy for that. I just looked to the side and saw Simon kneeling by the casket, whispering something to its closed top. I didn't know if I was happy or sad that it was a closed casket. On one hand, I didn't have to face seeing how probably messed up Bethany was. The collision mauled her beautiful face. But on the other hand, I would never again be able to see her face. See her smile. Her green eyes. No more. _

_Perhaps what made me so horribly angry, instead of sad, was the fact that Simon was being acknowledged like a martyr. I tried to let my anger for him go. But I couldn't do it, not when I knew that Bethany was mine. But no one knew that. No one had any idea. I was just the _"best friend." _I was not seen as the loved one. _

_I only started to sob once Bethany's younger sister stood up to make a speech in the church. That made it all too real. _

"And where were you at lunch today, missy?" Fora asks me from the passenger seat of my car as I am driving her home.

"Oh, I went to have lunch with Ashley." I tell her. I keep watching the road and then stop slowly at a red light.

"Interesting. How was that?"

I shrug, but my smile gives my feigned indifference away completely. "It was nice."

"Psssh. Yeah, I bet it was." Fora laughs. She turns serious when she says my name. "Spencer."

I meet her eyes for a second. "Fora."

"Are you aware of the difference?" She asks me. I hate decoding her word games.

"Of _Coke_ and _Pepsi_? I can definitely tell, it's really obvious."

I _know_ Fora rolls her eyes. "No ass, I mean the difference in you."

I start to roll my car forward as the light flickers from red down to green. "What are you talking about."

Fora takes a breath, and then speaks seriously. "You've been different. You've been…better. Ashley is doing something to you Spencer."

"Fora." I assert quietly, but in a rough voice.

"Don't interrupt me." She answers back. "I'm not going to say that things can ever be the same, because I know they can't. I'm not dumb." She glances at me and adds quickly: "As some may think. But, you look happier when Ashley is around, you, _seem_ happier." I can feel my eyes prick, but not in a sad way. In a way I cannot name right now.

"That's ludicrous." I say, although my voice cracks.

"Is it?"

------

"BITCHASSNESS!" I hear Harley scream from downstairs. _Holy Jesus_ I think to myself.

I am trying to type up this paper while Ashley and Noel are downstairs playing video games with Harley. It was like his birthday, when he saw both Ashley and Noel come through the door. So far, I have three words typed down. _This is stupid._

I tap my fingers on the keys, listening to the funny sound they're making. My door opens and I turn my head to see Ashley walking through.

"Hey. How's the paper going?" She asks.

"Uh, pretty good." I say, but before I can stop her, she is walking over to look at the computer screen. I look up to see her smirk.

"Sounds _great_."

I wave my hand in the air as to say _whatever_. "What are Noel and Har doing?"

Ashley rolls her eyes as she grabs another chair and places it next to me. "Playing video games still. They are so competitive, Harley almost bit Noel."

"A love bite, I would assume." I snicker.

Ashley laughs and tugs her chair closer to me so she can see the screen of the computer. I can smell her. She smells like oranges. Citrus. Delicious.

"What's it about?"

"_The Great Gatsby_." I tell her. "Um, it would have probably helped if I had read it, right?"

"Probably." Ashley smiles.

She spends about fifteen minutes outlining the novel for me, telling me about the characters, the setting, the themes, the symbols, and everything else she can think of. Ashley is extremely helpful and I am happy she's helping me. She is talking so passionately about it, that at some point, I stop making sense of her words and just listen to her voice. It's almost…gravely. But good gravely.

"So, I guess just start with that." Ashley says, her eyes meeting mine.

"Right, okay, thanks." I say shakily. I start to type, squinting my eyes to look at the screen. I sense Ashley lean in and read my words.

"That's really good Spence." She says, when I have about a paragraph so far.

I spend about another half an hour, listening to her tell me her ideas, as I type some things down. Every once in a while her arm will come out to point at something on the screen and it will brush against mine. The last time it happened she pulled away quickly and coughed.

"Here, lemme, uh…" Ashley trails off. She tries to type from her sitting position but she can't reach the keyboard. She then stands right beside me, almost in back of me, and reaches her hands to start typing. She's not even looking at the keyboard, her eyes glued in the screen with an adorable concentrated frown on her face. My eyes are glued to her face, and then to her moving hands, and then straight ahead, reading what she's typing.

Her head is bent down, next to mine so she can type and see easier. "I thought you said you weren't going to do it for me?" I ask quietly.

"A little help can't, um, hurt." She says even more lowly. Her words get caught in my ear. They flow through it so smoothly, like poetry. My hands go down to my sides and grip the edges of my chair. This girl right next to me is affecting me in some weird way. It's almost scaring me.

Her cheek is _so_ close to me. So close that if I just turned my head to the side and leaned in I would be able to touch it with my lips. Her skin is smooth and looks very soft. If I just leant in and kissed her cheek, would that really be so bad? I mean, would it be so weird? Friends kiss each other's cheeks _all_ the time. I would just be thanking her for helping me. Thanking her with my lips on her soft cheek.

I have obviously talked myself into doing it because I blink and I kiss her cheek softly. And I was right. It's beautifully smooth and wonderful.

I hear Ashley breathe weirdly and I cannot even believe that I just did that. Her head turns to me and chocolate eyes meet my blue ones. The word _swimmingly_ pops into my head. I do not know why. "Oh." She whispers. "You know…" But she doesn't finish. This is because she has leant in and our lips have met so incredibly softly.

They're still on each other. Not moving. Perhaps because I can't do anything but listen to my heart beat rapidly in my chest. My heart, the one I thought was gone. Apparently, it is back. Then I feel pressure and Ashley is pushing softly into me. I meet her and follow the movements our aching lips are making.

My hands ungrip the chair and find themselves in her hair, tugging slightly as I feel the need to pull her closer. Ashley makes a small whimpering sound inside my mouth. Then I feel her warm tongue so very, very tentatively come out and touch my lower lip. Then my eyes snap open and I am pushing her away. Pushing her away because this is too scary.

Ashley takes large steps backwards, her eyes slightly hooded. "I- I um. I'm sorry."

I stand up abruptly. "No. It's not. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have." I say with a strange voice that I do not recognize.

"Spencer." Ashley says softly, as she takes a step towards me.

"I think Harley is calling you." I rush out of my mouth. My lips don't really want to say that. But they do. They're not listening right now.

Ashley's face frowns, it looks sad. And then she ducks her head and walks out of my door, downstairs. Leaving me to finish my paper alone in a room full of cowardice and confusion.

------


	11. eleven

_Wow, I want to thank you all for your wonderful words. They put a very large smile on my face all of the time. So thank you all for that. This is a longer chapter than usual. Hope you like it! :)_

* * *

Picture this:

Or perhaps not. Sometimes it is too tiring to picture things. To think. Or to care. And it's painful. Painful like losing a heart and suddenly finding that it is back. Without warning or foreshadowing or any of those cute little things.

No.

Because I know we're all sitting there, in chairs, in desks, on beds, on floors, assuming things. Don't you even dare.

"And that's him during the shooting of _The Departed_. That one is when I stalked him in the city for that full day, you remember that?"

"Yes Fora." I tell her sleepily as we're sitting at a lunch table in school. She's flipping through her Leonardo DiCaprio picture book, explained every picture. Even though we've gone through this drill at least fifty times.

"Oh no." I hear Noel's deep voice sigh out. He takes a seat next to me and glances at Fora's book. "Not the picture book again."

Fora gives him a pretty angry glare. "You're just jealous."

Noel nods. "Of course I'm jealous. He's got like a billion dollars and mansions and shit, and I…well, don't."

Fora scoffs and gets up from the table. "I'm going to talk to Jimmy, see you two flamingos later. Spence, mall later right? I need a new bra."

"Yeah whatever." I say and give her a wave goodbye.

Noel watches her leave in what I would describe as a _longing_ way before he turns to me. "Who's Jimmy?"

"Jimmy Samuels, plays baseball or something."

"Oh." Noel says, glancing to where Fora is talking to this Jimmy person. "How are you?"

I shrug. "I'm fine."

I am obviously lying out of my ass. I'm not fine, and I'm not even okay. I'm not mediocre or in any kind if medium, grey area. I'm shitty. I am shitty because I fucked up when I kissed Ashley's cheek and then she kissed me. Or I kissed her. I don't even know, I think we both leaned in, but it happened so fast I can't remember. Instead, all I remember is the feeling of her lips on mine. Their softness. Their wetness. How they were citrus-y, like the gum she chews and the wonderful way she smells. I remember the way they alone, those lips, made me feel. They made me feel wanted. And mushy. And tingly at the same time. I remember how her hair felt. It felt soft and delicious and magnificent in my hands. The noises from her mouth made my body explode. Chocolate eyes mixed with my blue ones and I know they created a color that has never been given a name yet. And I remember that I have never felt like that before. And that is exactly what scares me. _Never_ felt like that.

If I haven't, then my mind continues to ask me questions from a quiz I am not prepared for. Bethany never felt like that. She felt good, yes. She felt right, yes. But she never felt like _that_, like what a perfect fireworks display looks like. All those things I ever felt for Bethany, when she kissed me, were magnified one hundred times over when Ashley kissed me.

These are not things I realized all in one moment. It has taken me two days to mull over what happened. Two days of avoiding Ashley. I don't know if I am happy or angry that she let me avoid her. And I'm sure she hates me. Thinks I'm just an insensitive bitch, the one she first met.

I continue to sit in my lie of an answer as Noel texts away on his phone. The lunch room is crowded. It's incredibly noisy. And I think someone just threw a grape at me. It's too noisy and too crowded and before Noel even knows, I am up and walking out of the nearest exit. I find my way to my car easily and just sit inside of it while the radio plays some stupid love song. Love songs either make you angry or happy. There is really no in between.

My hazy eyes close and then they open. And I look to my side and blonde hair and pretty green eyes meet me. I look in her eyes for something like anger or betrayal. And I find none, which hurts my heart even more. My heart, which I have suddenly been aware has returned.

"I'm not mad, you know." She says lightly, with that look in her eyes. The one that's saying to listen to her, because this is important.

"Why?" I ask.

Bethany shrugs, pushing some hair behind her ear. "Because she's meant for you, Spence."

"But you…"

She shakes her head and meets my eyes with hers again. "You need to move on."

"I don't want to."

Bethany smirks at me. "Yes you do. You just feel bad."

"Don't you have somewhere to be?" I say to my dead girlfriend.

"Don't you?" She gives me a smile

We are engaged in a staring contest. She starts to get blurry around the edges. Then I feel a sensation in my stomach, and my eyes open and snap up to look at the passenger side window. Noel is standing outside, pounding his fist against it. I roll the window down.

"What the hell are you doing? The bell rang a minute ago." He says angrily.

"Uh, was I sleeping?" I seriously ask him.

"I don't know, I didn't see if your eyes were closed. How do you not know…you know what, never mind. Can you just come back to class please. I don't want to be lab partners with that kids who sets shit on fire."

I just look at him. I am trying to get out of my seat in my car. But I'm not moving. Noel sighs and opens the door, sitting in the passenger seat next to me. He just rolls up the window and sits still with me. I dig in my jeans pocket for a small pill. I manage to dry swallow it, possibly taking down some lint that had been accompanying it in my pocket.

"Is this going to be one of those deep and meaningful talks?" Noel asks as he turns to me. He arranges his body sideways in the seat.

"Maybe." I admit to him.

"What's going on Spence?" And when I don't answer, just look at his slightly bang-covered eyes, he speaks again. "What happened the other day, Ashley came downstairs and just abruptly left."

This is a window of honesty. And it is wide open.

"We kissed."

Noel just watches my eyes move around in their sockets. He doesn't look surprised. His jaw is not on the ground and he's not saying some cute little quip, like _I knew it_.

"Me and Bethany." I start. "We used to, we were somewhat together, secretly."

This is where the shocked look on Noel's face becomes apparent. Boys are so dim. "Wow." He breathes out. "You know, I kind of always thought you two had a thing for each other. I mean you were _so_ close. And I know it was always the four of us, but there was always that extra added things between you two."

"So you knew?"

Noel shakes his head, his shaggy hair flopping back and forth. "Nah, I'm not going to pretend like I knew it all along. I had no idea, I mean maybe I thought there might be a _thing_, but I never thought something actually happened."

"I loved her Noel." I tell him, meeting his eyes. They're soft towards me, understanding. Like things make so much more sense now. "That night, we had a big fight…"

"About Simon?" He asks. And I can't help smile a little bit, because at least he's catching on.

I nod. "Yeah, about Simon. She wouldn't break up with him, so I told her to get out. And she did. God, I always just thought that if I hadn't let her leave my house angry, that this never would have happened."

"You can't think like that Spence. It's not your fault."

It feels nice to hear it right out like that. No one has said that because no one _knew_. "I know, but still."

"Honestly, I think it would have happened anyway."

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion. "What?"

Noel sighs, his eyes dip down and then back to mine. "I just think, personally, that when it's your time, it's your time, you know? It might be a bad time, a horrible time, but that was B's time. Nothing you did caused it. It just happened. And it would have happened regardless." I look at him, and obviously I must have a weird look about me because Noel shakes his head. "Not that I ever felt content about it, because when do we ever feel content about death? It just happens to sound pessimistic right now. For example, when my grandpa died, he really wasn't that old. He wasn't even sick. But, that was just his time, you know? It can't be helped."

I try to take deep breaths and absorb everything Noel is trying to say to me. That it wasn't my fault, and it couldn't be helped. Maybe that was her time. "I thought you didn't believe in God?"

Noel semi-smiles. "I don't. This has nothing to do with God. It has to do with death, and yeah, death sucks ass. But when it comes it comes."

We sit in silence for a while, just the sound of the car running.

"I have a thing for Ashley and I feel guilty." I blurt out randomly. Noel just nods, he looks out the window. And then he looks back at me. He's not smiling, but he's not frowning.

"That's understandeable. And even I can tell she really likes you. And she seems to make you happy, Spence. Something I used to wish I could have made you." He says quietly.

"Noel…" I sigh. My eyes hurt and for the first time I feel horribly about me and Noel. Because that shouldn't have happened. I used him after Bethany died to feel something and it didn't work. I hurt him in a way, and I hate that I did.

Noel shakes his head. "Don't be sorry Spencer. It was never there for us. And I guess we were both using each other. I'm just happy we're amazing friends. But it's there for you and Ashley. That's something important."

"She probably hates me." I sigh, looking down.

"Impossible." Noel says immediately afterwards. "You might be kind of an ass sometimes and annoying, but you can't hate you."

I chuckle a little bit. "Thanks, but I think my brother hates me too."

Noel laughs heartily now and I look at him suspiciously. "Harley does not hate you. You would be surprised. Whenever I'm with him, all he talks about is how cool you are." My eyes widen. "Seriously, the only reason he's so indifferent with you face to face is because that's how you come off to be. So he thinks it's cool."

"Really?" I ask in amazement.

Noel nods his head. "Really, and it's kind of annoying sometimes. But I let him ramble on."

"Well, if it makes you feel better, I think he has a crush on you." I laugh as I tell him.

"Maybe, but I think he's in love with Ashley." Noel chuckles.

"Yeah well, it's hard to not like her." I sigh.

"I have a thing for Fora." Noel admits slowly.

I smirk. "Kind of obvious buddy."

He shrugs. "I don't know what it is, she's so fucking annoying. But, I don't know. There's something."

"Well, I think she has a thing for you too." I tell him. Because I really do think that. "Do something about it."

Noel smiles and looks at me. "Ditto."

------

I am being dragged through _Macy's_ because Fora is on the hunt for the perfect bra. She has all these weird stipulations about finding the best one. I've waited while she tried on a handful and now we're going back through.

"They all do the same thing." I whine.

"Yes, but, they're all different." Fora explains as she picks up a red and white striped one. "How about this one."

I nod. "Yeah…if you want to look like a human candy cane."

Fora scowls at me and pushes it back on the rack. "Where were you in science today? You missed that kid setting Jenna's hair on fire."

I chuckle. "I was taking to Noel."

"Oh yeah?" She turns to me, a polka dotted bra in her hands. "That's nice. Jimmy was my lab partner." She adds weakly.

I roll my eyes. "You don't like Jimmy, Fora."

"I could like Jimmy." She answers roughly.

"Yeah, if Jimmy's name was _Noel_."

"True, and maybe you would like him too if his name was _Ashley_."

I cough. "Touché."

"Speaking of Ashley…" Fora sings out as her eyes dart to the other side of the pathway through the department store, where the men's clothes are. I follow her gaze and my eyes land on curly brown hair, and then red hair next to her. Their backs are turned to us. I would be all up for talking to Ashley, especially after talking to Noel today, but I am not up for talking to her _and_ that fool Robin. So, I must escape.

"Let's go." I whisper harshly, starting to push Fora further away from then. She surprisingly agrees with me and moves away, but then Ashley turns around.

Brown meets blue in a staring contest. She even looks like she might just turn away, but then green meets blue and the red head is waving her hand like an ass clown and smiling like one too.

"So, do you think she saw us?" I ask dryly, as I meet Fora's eyes in anger. Not at her, just in general.

"Hey guys!" Robin says excitedly as she drags Ashley over to Fora and me by the elbow.

"Hey, Robin, Ashley. What are you guys doing here?" Fora says with a small smile on her face.

"My dad's birthday is soon, so I'm looking for a present." She answers.

My eyes meet Ashley's as I speak. "Awesome." Her eyes look like a mixture between anger and uncomfortable.

"Yeah." The red head says happily, flying totally over my sarcasm. "What are you guys doing?"

"I'm buying a bra." Fora says bluntly. "Well, I'm trying to find a good one."

I roll my eyes. I land them on Ashley's once again, but hers are not looking at mine. They're down on the ground.

"Hey, Robin, come here, what do you think of this one?" Fora says to Robin, motioning for her to go over to the other aisle to check out a bra Fora hasn't even looked at yet. Fora glances at me before she pulls Robin away and leaves me and Ashley in a puddle of complete and utter awkwardness.

"How are you?" I ask Ashley quietly.

"I'm fine." Ashley says quickly. "But you wouldn't have known, right? Because you've been avoiding me for, um, like two days." She says angrily. Her eyes are all squinty. I knew she would be angry. But I did not know how sexy she would be when angry. And her small stutter just totally adds to it.

I should say I'm sorry, but something else comes out instead. "I'm going to the movies with my dad tomorrow do you want to come?" I say it so quickly that I'm not even sure she caught it.

Ashley just blinks and her eyes open a little bit more before she finally says one word. "Okay."

"Well, we should get going, lots of brassieres to try on. Bye you two." Fora says as she pulls me away from Ashley and Robin.

"Brassieres?"

"Yes Spencer, it's the full form of the word _bra_." She says seriously.

"I'm aware of that." I snort.

"Well, then why the hell are you asking?"

------

"Hi, dad." I say into the cool plastic of the phone. I'm pacing around my room with a towel on my head, trying to find something to wear.

"Hi Spencer. What's up, are we still on?" He asks nervously, like I might start to ignore him again at any second.

"Yeah, I just wanted to know if it was alright if I brought…um a friend?"

"Oh of course. I would like that." He says happily.

I thank him and hang up the phone. I continue to dig around in one of my dresser draws to find a shirt that is not totally wrinkled beyond oblivion.

"Watcha doing'?" I hear Harley's voice ask me from my doorway.

"Building a space craft."

I see Harley's bright blonde hair shake from side to side as he glares at me. "Spencer. You better stop fighting with Ashley."

"What?" I turn around back to him and meet clear blue eyes.

"Because," He continues, "I really like her and if she decides to quit I'm going to be really mad at you."

I open my mouth and then close it. "Uh, okay."

He nods. "Good, I'm glad we had this talk."

He turns to leave and I snort through my laughter. But I call him back. "Har. I'm going to the movies with dad and Ashley, you wanna come?" I don't know why I invite him.

"Really?" Harley's eyes go incredibly wide, like saucers. And there is a very large, goofy smile planted firmly on his cute face. Maybe that's why I ask him.

I nod. "Yeah, go get ready."

He jumps up and down in place before running off to his room to get ready.

"And no dinosaur shirts!" I scream after him.

A little while later, I am still getting dressed when I hear Ashley arrive. I can hear her talking to Harley in the living room downstairs and my stomach gets butterflies in it. Why, I'm not sure. It's not a date. I mean, what kind of convoluted date involves a father and younger brother? None I've ever been on.

I check the clock and see that my dad should be picking us up in about three minutes.

"Hey." I greet Ashley as I come downstairs. She's standing next to Harley, who is showing her all of the dinosaur drawings he did today in school. "Harley, I thought I said no dinosaur shirts." I growl at him when I see a very large T-Rex in the middle of his red sweatshirt.

"But this is my favorite one!"

Ashley smiles. "I think it's cute." This comment earns a wide grin from my younger brother and a tongue sticking out for me from him.

I then notice Ashley's cute polo shirt and the way her curls spill down messily around her shoulders. It makes me wan to hug her. I am about to tell her that she looks nice but then the doorbell rings and Harley is pushing past our moment to open the door for my dad.

We get through the introductions without too much awkwardness or embarrassment. Arthur is excited that Harley is coming too. He keeps asking Ashley all these questions about California. Harley talks about dinosaurs. I listen to them talk and smile at my dad when he meets my eyes. He winks at me, whether to say _I like your friend_, or _I'm so happy we're doing something together_, or _I know you like Ashley and that's wonderful_, or_ Ashley just told me she's in love with you_, or maybe _We actually hatched Harley from a dinosaur egg when he was born_. Whatever it means, I feel good.

The first time I speak directly to Ashley in privacy, is in the movie theater when my dad and Harley have gone to get candy.

"Your dad's really nice." She tells me, giving me a small smile and then putting her eyes back on the screen. She is sitting right next to me.

"Yeah. Thanks for coming." I say sincerely.

Ashley shrugs. "Thanks for, um inviting me."

A beat passes before I answer. "I'm sorry."

Ashley finally meets her chocolate eyes to my blues ones in the dim movie theater. The flashes from the screen are lighting up her face. "I know." She says softly. We don't smile at each other, we just look at each other's faces until my dad and Harley come back.

The whole time during the movie, I try to enjoy it. I try to focus on the characters and the plot. But my mind is somewhere else. It's on the brunette sitting next to me, smiling at the cute parts and laughing at the funny parts. It's on my talk with Noel, about Ashley and death and important things. It's on my brother, bouncing in his seat next to Ashley, looking at her every few minutes. It's on my father, who has a smile on his face, and squeezed my hand in his and gave me a happy smile.

After the movie, the four of us head back to my house. Harley and I say goodbye to Arthur and he thanks me for spending time with him. I thank _him_ and give him a large hug. My dad shakes Ashley's hand and tells her it was a pleasure to meet a close friend of mine. When he drives away, his taillights getting caught in the darkness of the silent street, Ashley and I are left on my front lawn with her car sitting in the driveway and Harley having gone inside to recount the night to my mother.

"Thank you." I tell Ashley as I turn to face her.

Her hands are interlocked together and she gives me a smile. I shift from one foot to the other as she speaks. "No, thank _you_. That was really nice. He seems great."

"He's a good guy." I say quietly. I cast my eyes downwards and them lift them back up to meet chocolate ones after a moment. "Ash…" I trail off and take a step closer to her. I can see her eyes and then I can see her lips.

Ashley only puts out a hand to place on my shoulder. It's not pushing me away, all it is doing is telling me not to come closer. And my heart sinks to the grass, becoming splattered with the dew that is forming there. Her hand touches my shoulder softly, it moves slightly, in a comforting manner.

"Don't." She says softly. Her eyes are telling me that she's not mad, she's just…calm. "Spencer." She breathes. "I like you, I _really_ like you."

I nod my head at her. I feel my mouth frowning and I'm not sure why. "But, Robin."

"We're just friends. I told her that. I know what I want, and it's not her." She says securely. "I want you to be sure."

"I am." I say quietly.

Ashley shakes her head but gives me a small smile. "You're not yet, and that's okay. Really." Her thumb delicately draws itself down by my collarbone and I feel a chill run up my spine. And I think that is where _that _conversation ends. Ashley leans into me and brushes her soft lips against my chilly cheek, immediately warming it. Warming me. "Goodnight Spence." She says sweetly.

There are no words that will come out of my mouth, so I just smile at her as she leaves. And it's a genuine smile. Because she's not _really_ leaving. If anything, she is, in a way, coming closer.

------


	12. twelve

_I want to apologize if this chapter seems a little scattered. I wrote bits and pieces of it in my head before I attempted to put it all together. But anyway, I hope you enjoy it :)_

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Picture this:

It's difficult to keep the line between the reality and the want. Because the reality can hit you like a ton of bricks if you skip over to the want. For example, the reality is, is that Ashley and I are being "friends." Albeit, friends who sneak glances at each other. Friends who touch occasionally, even if it's just when she is handing me a pencil. Friends who hug for longer than necessary. The want is more difficult. The want is me _want_ing to cup her face and kiss it softly. The want is me _want_ing to bury my whole body into hers in a warm embrace.

But those things are not happening. Because I know she is scared that I will freak out and push her away again. And I know I am scared of the same thing. I am scared that I _will_ freak out and push her away again. Even if I don't mean it, even if all I want to do is the opposite and pull her in.

What I want to do is thank her for being so wonderful and understanding. For giving me time. But the reality is that sometimes, no words are more meaningful than any fancy words strung together in a sentence.

I know Ashley likes me. And I know I like her. We know we like each other, and that is as far as things have been established. So when we're just sitting in my room talking, that is all I can think of. The _like_ that is swirling around us overheard, seeping into our bodies. Because she's talking and I like her. I'm watching her and she likes me. She's laughing and I like her. And I'm smiling and she likes me. And we both know it. Even if that doesn't make much sense, that is just what is happening here.

Is anyone aware of how strange it is to be sitting in a room with someone you like and they know it?

And if you're confused? Then, well, welcome to my level. Take a seat and relax.

"I've always been an only child. So, between my dad doing what he was doing and my mom working all the time, I was usually, well, I don't want to say _alone_. Because that makes it sound more depressing than it really was. But yeah, alone." Ashley says sincerely. Her eyes blinking a few times as she talks to me.

We are in my room talking. Taking a break from her helping me with my math homework. If anything, I love listening to her voice speak words. I don't care if the words even make sense, she could be talking jibberish and I would still be smiling. And I want to _know_ her.

"That sounds kind of lonely." I answer, with a small frown on my face.

Ashley shrugs, her head propped up in the palm of her hand. "I guess, but that's all I knew and know, so I don't really know anything different."

"Well, you can borrow Harley if you want to."

Ashley chuckles cutely. "Maybe."

"What's your middle name?" I ask Ashley. Because I like finding out new little things about her. They all combine together to create her, and I like her. I want to _know_ her.

Ashley laughs adorably, ducking her head and then meeting it back to mine. "I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

She shakes her head, curls bouncing around. "Nope."

"Is…that allowed?" I ask curiously.

"Yes Spence, that's allowed." She chuckles. "I mean, it's not too common, but it can happen.

"Wooow." I whistle out. "That's interesting. That's kind of cool, I've never met anyone with no middle name before."

"Well, aren't you lucky." She answers with a smirk. I think I blush. Yes, I just blushed. "What's yours?"

"Christine."

"Spencer Christine Carlin." Ashley says, closing her eyes and then opening them. Like she is tasting a special wine for the very first time. Her chocolate eyes meet mine intently and never leave them as she speaks. "That's really pretty."

And I want to kiss her.

But I know now is not the right time. Because when you kiss someone, you _know_ when the right time is. If it's not the right time, then you just don't know anything. You think _maybe I should kiss them now_. That's all. But when it is the right time, you just know. You can feel it. And even though this might not be the right time, I still want to kiss her. But I don't. I just smile at her and say _thank you_.

She looks so peaceful right now. Lying sideways on my bed with her head propped up in her hand. She is close enough so I can smell her perfume and shampoo. But far away enough so that we're not touching. For some reason today, Ashley's eyes are an incredible warming shade of chocolate brown. I feel good just getting lost in them.

For some reason, when Ashley looks at me like that, parts of me become warm and mushy. Alright, _all_ parts of me. She looks at me and smiles like I'm _something_ to her. And I love it.

Ashley's phone rings just as I am about to say something. She gives me a apologetic smile and goes to answer it.

"Hey." Her eyes glance to me and I lean back on my bed. Pretending that my ceiling is much more interesting than whoever she is talking to.

"Nothing really." Pause. "Tonight? Um, I don't think I can." I feel her eyes on me and I try not to look at her. "Yeah, I'm sorry." Pause. "Talk to you later."

She shuts her phone and bounces back onto my bed. She doesn't tell me who was on the phone and I don't ask. Because if it was that stupid red head, I just don't want to know.

"Well, I should probably go. My mom is going to be home early tonight."

"Oh cool." I say as I stand up from my bed. "What does your mom do again?"

"Oh." Ashley turns around and scrunches her forehead in thought. "Uh, I think she works for the government or something."

I chuckle and open the door for her when we get downstairs. "That's not sketchy."

"Shut up Spencer." Ashley laughs and punches me playfully. But I smile like a little school girl anyway.

"So, I'll see you later." I say with a smile as I open my front door for her.

Ashley nods cutely. "You will.

I move my feet slightly towards her for a hug and she meets me halfway. She feels really warm in my arms. But the best thing is how absolutely safe I feel in hers. I hug her tighter and longer than necessary. I feel more than I actually hear Ashley laugh into my shoulder. Her abdomen shaking from laughing against mine.

"Okay Spence, I have to go." She says.

I keep my grip on her. "Yeah okay, in a minute."

I finally let go of her and she has a smile on her face. Her lips meet my cheek, dangerously close to my own lips. "Bye." She whispers before turning away.

------

"Hi Spencer." My mother says to me later that night.

"Hey Paula." I answer and I see her roll her eyes at me.

I make my way to the fridge to pour myself a cup of juice. Apple juice, actually. It's the best, in my opinion.

"How are you?" She asks me, her eyes behind the glasses that are perched on her nose look at me and then down to the newspaper she is reading.

I look at my mother. Really look at her. Her blonde hair has hints of white in it. But not like old lady white. The whisps mix in with her blonde, giving her a kind of glow. Her eyes are clearer than my own. Her mouth tilts in a smile, waiting for my response. It is then that I realize I love my mother.

"I'm good." I tell her in all honestly. Because I _am_ good. For the first time in a while, I'm feeling good. And although a certain brunette happens to be a big part of that good, it is more than that. Each day I feel more and more bitterness leave my body. I am good because I am no longer fuming angry with my father. Harley no longer pisses me off so much that I have to leave the room. I actually enjoy spending time with him. I am good because I love my friends, and I have always known how wonderful they are. But I can see it so clearly now. How much they care about me. Part of me wants Noel and Fora to get together. I think they would be good for each other.

My mother smiles at me. "That's good honey." She pauses for a second and glances at me. "You look good."

I feel my heart constrict in a happy way and I genuinely smile back at her. "Thank you mom. How are _you_?"

Paula gives me an apprehensive look. Because I never ask her how she is and really mean it. And I think she can hear the trueness in my voice. "I'm good actually. Work has been busy, Sandy keeps asking me to take her shifts, which I'm happy about, but it's a lot. Harley apparently wants to play every sport on the face of the Earth and…" She continues to talk but I eventually cut her off.

"Geez mom, I was just being nice." I scoff. But I smile at her and laugh a little so she knows I'm kidding.

My mother rolls her eyes, but her eyes are bright and happy. "Don't have an attitude with me, Spencer." She says seriously, but her smile gives her away. "How is Ashley? Harley really seems to love her…" Paula meets my eyes and I know she is prodding for more. She's a smart lady, after all.

I nod. "She's good." _She's amazing_. "Harley does like her, so do I." _God, I like her a lot._

"I'm glad you're getting along. And I'm proud of you for spending time with your father. It means a lot to him Spencer."

I roll my eyes playfully. "Okay mom." But I'm smiling.

------

I am standing in my kitchen, drinking more apple juice. It is late. Like, early morning late. I can't sleep, so I just stand in my kitchen. Just as I am about to pour some more into my glass, my cell phone vibrates in my hand. I don't even look at the caller ID and I don't even let it ring fully once before I flip it open.

"Hello?"

"Come outside." A husky voice says from the other side.

"What?"

"Spencer." Ashley sighs dramatically. "Just come outside."

"Okay, hold on." I tell her. I put on slippers and walk out my back door into my back yard. I see my garage and then I see Ashley, sweatshirt wrapped around her, hood on, sitting on the roof. I jog over to it and stare up at her wide eyed.

"Ash! What the hell are you doing you crazy asshole?" I whisper roughly.

"Come up here, it's really cool." She says with a smile on her pretty face.

"How the hell did you get up there?"

"I climbed."

"I thought you were afraid of heights." I say to her.

I see Ashley' eyes go wide and her mouth opens slightly. She looks over the edge of the roof and back to me. "Oh my God. Spencer, I totally forgot, it was just um, so pretty. Oh my God, oh my God."

I wrap my arms around myself and yell up to her. "You forgot you were afraid of heights? Ashley, come down right now."

"I can't! I'm scared, oh my, Spencer, I can't get down." She whispers in a very scared voice. She keeps looking over the edge and then back to me.

I rub my hands on my face. "Okay, I'm coming up. Just, don't move."

I go over to the side of the garage and see where she climbed up from. I make my way up and when I get on the roof, Ashley pulls my arm close to her. I notice she is shaking. "Ashley." I say softly. "What are you doing?"

"I-I'm sorry." She stutters nervously. "I just thought it would be pretty. You can see the stars."

I finally lock my eyes on the side of her face. Her cheeks have a pink tint to them from the slightly chilly breeze. "It is." I confirm gently. "Come here, you're cold." I pull her into me, wrapping my arms round the large sweatshirt she is wearing. I try to get her warmer by rubbing my hands up and down her arms. This seems to make her shiver.

We both just look up into the sky. Where you can, in fact, see lots of stars. The sky is sprinkled with them, and I lock my eyes on the very first one I see. _First star I see tonight, I wish I may I wish I might. I wish for strength. Um, the end. _I move my eyes across the sky to take in the stars, and when I feel Ashley's eyes on my face, I turn to look at her.

"You're right." I tell her. "It's nice."

She shrugs. "It kind of um, reminded me of when we went on the ferris wheel."

I meet her eyes with my own. And I _know_. I know it is the right time because I can feel it. I can feel it in the way Ashley's eyes are on mine, making me feel strong and safe. I can feel it in the way her hand is around my arm, holding me in place right next to her. I can feel it in the way I can almost hear my heart beating so hard.

I smile at her, and I see Ashley bite her bottom lip softly. I bring my free hand, the one that is not wrapped around her, to the side of her face. I sweetly push a curl behind her adorable ear. I move my hand to the back of her neck, just resting it there.

I lean my head in and connect my lips to hers. They're ten times better than they were in my room. I swear they're softer, and wetter, and sweeter. And unlike in my room, this kiss is full of something more special.

Our lips move lightly against each others. I know Ashley isn't pushing any further. I know she was waiting for me to kiss her when I was fully ready. I add more pressure, but I never open my mouth to deepen it. Because for now, the soft feel of contact is all I need. It's all I need to know that the girl I am gently kissing on the roof of my garage under the stars feels exactly all of the same things I am feeling in this moment.

I feel Ashley's hand come up to run across my neck and then over my shoulder. After what seems like the most genuine, heart-felt moment of my life, we separate. But I keep my forehead leaning against hers, my hand on the back of her neck keeping her in place.

My eyes are still closed, but I speak anyway. "You make me feel so happy, Ashley."

I feel her breathe on my lips, and she leans in for a short, but wonderfully perfect kiss. "You make my heart beat really fast."

I smile and open my eyes to see chocolate ones staring back. They warm my whole body.

We don't kiss anymore after that. I just situate myself between her legs and lean back into the warmth that her body is providing me. Her arms are around my stomach, her head nestled in the crook of my neck. And I feel so safe. I feel so strong. We silently watch the stars up above, and I thank them.

------


	13. thirteen

_Hello! Sorry for the delay, totally not like me to not post in a while. This is definitely not the end of the story, so no worries. I don't know when the end is, but it's probably not soon :) I guess I had a bit of writers block on this chapter. That combined with the shittiness that is my life. But this one is actually a bit long. So, enough about me, this is for you. Enjoy :)_

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Picture this:

You're sitting outside. The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. There is a light breeze that blows some of your hair across your face as you constantly try to swipe it away. The grass is slightly dewey, but you don't care too much. You think to yourself, maybe you should have brought a picnic basket. Because, I mean, you've got the whole set up going. The grass. The park. The sun. A wooden basket would just complete this picture perfect setting you have created. What is better than a picnic basket with some homemade chicken salad and apple juice?

You're alone. But you still could have brought the basket. _I'll share_ you think. Even though you know you won't. Although things may seem perfect on the outside. The blonde girl sitting outside in the grass. There is this tiny feeling inside of you. It's nervousness. It's apprehension. It is a slight fear.

Do you know why? Because right now, your life is okay. It's pretty good. And your life hasn't been that way in a while. Your life has been shitty for quite some time. There was always something to mess it up. So right now, you're pissing your pants waiting for something bad to happen. Because it always does. And when you're happy, actually happy, that little voice in the back of your head is just telling you something is going to ruin it.

You don't want to be like that, but sometimes things like this can't be helped.

You have your solace, though. It comes in the form of the orange globe that shines. And especially in the form of the pretty curly-haired brunette walking your way. She has a smile on her face. And the smile on your face just got even larger. Her eyes are bright like honey and you don't have to be near her to really know she smells absolutely heavenly. And you don't have to touch her to know her lips make a fool out of pure cotton. These things make that little voice in the back of your head totally disappear.

"Spencer!" I hear and then feel Harley run right into me, knocking me totally over onto my back.

"Can't breathe." I wheeze as Harley laughs on top of me. He gets off and then runs back to Ashley and starts to jog circles around her.

"Uh, he had some sugar." Ashley chuckles as she walks over to me.

"_Some?_ Did you feed him sugar packets?"

"Kind of. Ice cream." She gives me a cheeky smile and sits down cross legged facing me. "Hi."

I feel my face flush as she leans in and kisses my cheek gently. "Hi." Ashley's curls are messy because of the wind. I like it.

"What are you doing here?" She asks curiously.

I shrug. "Nothing, I was just bored. I was waiting for you and Har at home."

"Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the park and, I quote, _beat down some squirrels_." She snorts and it's so adorable I just stare at her with a smile on my face. My eyes travel over her own, then her cute nose. They look at her luscious lips, trail down her neck, to her collarbone. And I want to kiss all of those places, right now.

"He's a freak." My voice cracks as I say it though.

"Spence." Ashley ducks her head shyly, and then her chocolate eyes meet back up to mine. "I really want to kiss you right now."

"Well, get on that." I tell her quietly.

Ashley blinks and I see her lips curl up into a small smile. She leans her head towards me and presses those lips to my own. I immediately smile into our soft and innocent kiss. There is nothing I want more right now than to push her down on her back and attack her neck and collarbone. But I reluctantly restrain myself because one, we're not there yet. Two, we're in a public park, which has nothing to do with being that we're both girls but everything to do with the not so appropriate thoughts in my head. And three, I sense Harley approaching.

We separate shortly after and just look at each other. Ashley's mouth is about to say something, but Harley comes running up to us.

"Ashley!" He yells. Loudly, I might add. "Can we get more ice cream?!"

Ashley laughs. "I think you're good for now, buddy."

"Harley, your shirt is on backwards." I tell him seriously.

"I _know_ Spencer. It was backwards day at school."

"Uh." I just look at him. "Well, that's awesome."

"Yeah." Harley nods vigorously. "And Matt wore his pants backwards!"

I stifle a large laugh. "Super." Is what I choke out.

"Okay, well, we should go. Come on Har." Ashley announces to my younger brother. "See you later?" She asks as she turns to me.

I nod with a smile on my face. "Yeah." Ashley looks around while Harley ties his shoelaces. Her eyebrows are etched with concern and it's almost like I can read her mind. I know she wants to kiss me goodbye but not in front of Harley. I make my mind up and stand up. I go to give her a hug and as my face is pressed in her neck, I lightly kiss her soft skin there. Her hands squeeze me a little harder before she lets go.

Harley waves as he takes Ashley's hand, and she gives me a dazzling smile that makes me melt into the lawn.

I watch Ashley and Harley's figures walk away and that's when I see him. Well, hello voice in the back of my mind.

He continues to walk towards me, hands in his pocket, head hung low. I know he sees me though because he slows down once he gets near me. He just stands there, short blonde hair shimmering in the sun.

"What." I say roughly, not meeting his eyes. Although I know that they're tentatively trying to find mine. "What, Simon?"

"Hey Spencer. Um, how's it going?" Simon says quietly.

I open my mouth to say something, and just at that moment a slight breeze blows by. My hair ruffles and then I smell a hint of cologne rush past my nose and then it's gone. My head snaps up to his, meeting his eyes. I breathe again but the cologne is gone. The cologne that Simon wore and apparently _still_ wears. The cologne that I used to smell on Bethany.

"It's fine." I choke out. My eyes don't leave his and I see him blink.

He nods. "That's good."

"How are you?" I ask, because sometimes you have to be polite even if it's doing some damage to you.

Simon shrugs. "Alright I guess."

Simon just stands there as I am still sitting. And we just stare at each other. Simon looks very pale and like he really wants to say something else. But he doesn't. He just nods his head and says a hasty goodbye. I push the encounter to the back of my mind because it means nothing. Not anymore.

------

"So, are you coming?"

"Come again?" I say to Fora as I snicker stupidly to myself.

She rolls her eyes and Noel has a smirk on his face. "Are you coming over tonight?"

"Oh." I say and nod my head. "Yeah, sure. What is it, _The Man in the Iron Mask_?"

Fora gets a large goofy smile on her face. "You know it."

"You should bring Ashley!" Noel says quickly. He tilts his head at me and smiles weird.

"Yes!" Fora says excitedly.

"Why?" I ask curiously. Not that I don't want to. I do. And not that I wasn't going to anyway. I was. I just want to know why they're so eager for me to bring her.

"_Because_." Fora explains with an eye roll.

I clap my hands together. "Oh! Well, with such good reasoning, how could I ever resist?"

"Don't be a fuckin' smart ass, smart ass." Fora spits. "Bring cake. Not the band, the food." She unnecessarily clarifies for me.

"Good you cleared that up, we might not have known what you meant." Noel says, rolling his eyes at the crazy girl by his side.

Surprisingly, I make it through the rest of the day without punching either Fora or Noel in the face. Their flirty banter back and forth is really starting to irritate me. Sure, they're cute and I totally understand that whole thing. But still. Just do it and get it over with. Although I am somewhat hypocritical in my criticism. But give a girl a break.

And I cannot concentrate throughout school either. During classes I text Ashley to say hello. She tells me she's basically sleeping in her physics class and soon they're going outside to jump rope. This earns her a giggle from me and my teacher gives me a nasty glare from the front of the classroom. I tell her that my whole Spanish class got in trouble for answering every question in French. I'm no trouble maker but I just thought that was funny.

When I'm not texting her I'm thinking about her. About how I would love to see her right now. I wouldn't even have to be doing anything, just looking at her. Because she's so damn pretty. She is so much prettier in person than she is when I think of her in my mind. That's probably why every time I see her it's like a new net of butterflies has been let loose inside me.

Finally my day leads me to Noel's basement, where I am eagerly awaiting Ashley's appearance. She said she would be late because she's having dinner with her mom. That's cute and all. But geez, way to hog your daughter Mrs. Davies.

"Cake?" Fora says from the adjacent couch she is sitting on. She's under probably what is five hundred blankets exactly.

"I put it in the fridge when I got here."

"Get it."

I roll my eyes. "Oh yes master, as you wish. No, you."

Fora sighs dramatically, obviously not amused with my playful words. Perhaps because I am not Noel. "Noel-y, can you go get the cake please?"

I see Noel by his collection of DVD's shake his head in annoyance. But he goes up the stairs to fetch the cake anyway. Like we all know he would.

Fora sticks up her index finger and swirls it around in the air.

I scrunch my eyebrows together. "Does that mean something?"

"I've got him wrapped around my finger. _Totally_ wrapped."

I scoff. "Yeah, okay."

"Don't scoff _Spencer._ Like Ashley doesn't have you wrapped around hers."

"She doesn't." I tell her seriously.

"Well let's ask you this. Would you go get her cake if she asked for it?" She says with a smile on her face.

My immediate thought is _of course_. "Well, yes." I admit slowly. I'd get Ashley's cake anytime. That's some kind of sexual innuendo, but I'm not sure for what.

"There you go." Fora says, ending the dispute. Like the world makes sense again.

I hear footsteps coming down the stairs.

"Thank you!" Fora says excitedly.

"Um, you're welcome?" Comes a husky voice that is definitely not Noel's. Noel's is for sure not as adorable and sexy and interesting.

Fora turns her head to where Ashley is walking to the couches. "Oh, sorry, thought you were Noel."

Ashley chuckles gravely. "What gave me away?" She sits down right next to me and smiles brilliantly.

"Probably lack of penis." Fora answers seriously.

"Nice." I say, glaring at her.

"Alrighty, here's your cake Miss Demanding. Hey Ashley. Everybody good? Anyone need anything?" Noel says as he hands Fora a box and a large fork. She thanks him with a smile as he sits down next to her. Trying to get comfortable despite all of the blankets surrounding her.

"I'm good, thanks Noel." Ashley says. She turns to me to whisper quietly. "I missed you today." She admits shyly, ducking her head.

"I missed you too." I reassure her. I bring my lips to kiss her cheek softly. It's hot and flushed and it makes my heart leap a little bit more off the floor.

As the movie starts, I feel Ashley move closer to me. Her hand becomes interlocked with mine and her cheek rests on my shoulder. I need no blankets because the heat from her body is more than enough. Eventually I see Fora lay her head in Noel's lap as he absentmindedly plays with her hair. It's cute so I smile at them. I snuggle closer to Ashley, feeling warm and cozy with her so close to me. I guess she must feel the same way because I feel her lips kiss the very corner of my mouth gently. Partly on the lips and partly on the cheek.

"You missed." I tell her softly as I turn my head to look at her. I lean closer to her to prove my point and see Ashley smile. Her eyes shine more than anything though, in the dark room with only the flickering of the TV screen for light. Her lips press against mine and they're soft and reassuring.

"Better?" She asks, pulling away shortly after.

I nod. And smile.

------

Ashley and I are in my room after being at Noel's house. Fora stayed there, saying she would just get a ride with Noel later. Now, what kind of ride she was speaking about, one can only guess.

I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed, with Ashley right across from me. Her hands are laced together in her lap, an uneasy expression on her face. A black box rests in the small space between us.

"Are you sure?" She asks quietly. Her eyes dart from the box back to mine. They're warm, even though they're slightly nervous. But they make me muster up some courage I was not aware I possessed.

I nod at her. "Yeah, I, I want to share this with you." I tell her quietly.

I want to share some of my past with Ashley. Because as much as I want to know her, I want her to _know_ me. I want her to feel me in every sense but physical, for now.

She nods and gives me a shy smile. I quickly wonder if this might be weird for her. Of course I don't want to accuse her of feeling…jealous. Because how can you be jealous of a dead girl? I just want her to know. To understand.

I lightly trace the box top with my finger before opening it. My eyes wash over pictures, papers, tickets, things like that. The thing I do not see is a cell phone, although I know it is at the bottom. My lips do not frown, for the first time in a while. I smile slightly. Because all this box really holds are happy things from the past. Things I had the pleasure of experiencing.

I hand Ashley a picture of Bethany and Harley, enveloped in a tight hug. She lets out a husky laugh. "She's very pretty." Ashley says kindly, gingerly looking through some of the pictures I am putting in front of her.

"She is." I say quietly. My eyes meet Ashley's warm chocolate ones, travel down to her lips, and run across the rest of her face.

I see Ashley's lips curl into a smile as she looks at another picture. I lean towards her to see which one it is, and I smile too. The picture is taken on the beach at night. Bethany has her arms crossed over her chest, an almost annoyed look on her face, looking away from the camera. I am sitting cross legged on the sand next to her standing figure with a smile on my face. In the background, it looks like Fora is in mid-slap of hitting Noel, who is trying to turn his face away.

"What happened in this one?' Ashley asks curiously. Her eyes scanning over the picture.

I chuckle, remembering that night. "I had just splashed Bethany and she got kind of mad. And Noel said Fora's ass looked big, so she went to slap him."

"Did she?" Ashley laughs.

I nod. "Yeah, his cheek was red forever."

"Um, who took the picture?" She asks. It's a legitimate question because all four of us are in it, and it was obviously taken from someone you can't see.

I scratch the back of my neck. "Simon, Bethany's boyfriend."

"Oh." Ashley murmurs.

"Yeah." I sigh. "That was before, before me and her. Actually, like _right_ before." Because I'm pretty sure the night we came back it was raining.

I show Ashley a couple more pictures, and she asks me a few questions. I answer every one of them. I smile when Ashley gets so interested, when she laughs at some of the goofy pictures I have kept. When she gives me a reassuring smile and rubs my knee. Eventually, I put the top back on the box and put it back under my bed. My heart feels heavy but not in a bad way.

"Were you okay with that?" I ask Ashley tentatively. She is still sitting across from me, but she has gradually moved closer.

She nods. "Of course. Thanks for sharing it with me Spence. I mean it. Were, uh, you okay?" She asks shyly.

I smile softly at her. "Yeah, I was. Thank you for listening."

"Any time." She whispers. I then lean in to hug her around the neck. She feels soft. And more comforting than any blanket you could ever imagine. I breathe her in by the neck and let my nose run over her skin. Her hands run soothingly across my lower back.

When we separate, our foreheads rest on each others. Her nose brushes mine softly and it sends tingles up and down my spine and into my stomach. When I slide my fingers through her curls, our lips meet in unison. Our kiss lasts much longer than all the others we've shared. And it is more intense than all the others we have shared.

I know I want more of her, so I run my tongue lightly against her bottom lip. I hear her groan and it goes right through my own mouth and to my center. Suddenly my head is tilted up, lips still connected. Because Ashley is on her knees and I am still sitting on the bed. My tongue is let in and met gently with hers. I thought she was absolutely amazing in all ways already. But her muscle proves me wrong and it is, if possible, sweeter than the rest of her.

I try to pull her down to me slowly, my hands gripped in her hair. But Ashley loses some balance and only regains it when her hands hit the mattress. We are caught in this strange half-sitting, half-lying down position in the middle of my bed. It's not awkward or weird, though. Just…goofy.

Our lips have never separated, only for a few short breaths of air. I feel my bottom lip bitten softly by her teeth and it makes a small whimpering sound come out of my mouth.

Ashley's mouth moves to where my jaw is. She places a wet kiss on it while I slide my hands out of her hair and down to feel her soft back. I can't help it when my nails lightly scratch it. I hear Ashley's moan and I feel her heavy breathing from this action.

"I don't wanna push you." Ashley murmurs so quietly into my ear. I almost don't know what she is saying. I'm too distracted by her extremely husky voice in my ear. Deeper than I have ever heard it.

My heart beats wonderfully because of her care and patience. I let her lips come back to mine in a soft kiss. "You're not." I whisper into them.

From both of our efforts, me pulling her down, her lowering herself, we exit that strange position and lay down on the bed. Ashley is still hovering over me, her lips kissing my neck sweetly. It's not rough, but it is intense enough to make me lose my breath.

Just because we are on a bed doesn't mean anything. For right now, this make-out session is perfect.

Ashley's lips find mine again. Making me unable to count the number of times they've met each other. The parts of her skin I feel are soft and very, very hot. Similar to how my body is on fire just by her touch. Our kissing slows down and becomes more gentle. Tongue disappears and all I feel now is the warmth from her body and the softness her lips are providing mine. She ends with a kiss to my cheek, an arm draped around my stomach as she lies down right next to me. Her head sharing the same pillow as mine.

I just turn my head towards her and meet her chocolate eyes, hoping my blue ones are displaying everything I am feeling. I see her lips, the ones that were just on me, curl into a smile. It gets wider and wider and soon my smile matches hers. I bring my hand to push a stray curl behind her ear and then run my finger down her cheek. I don't say anything, just keep my eyes on her own.

Because we don't need words right now.

------


	14. fourteen

* * *

Picture this:

You've never been the girlfriend type. Actually, you've just never been a _good_ girlfriend. Your history is a little scattered. You had a boyfriend when you were a Freshman. Because hey, he thought you were cute, he was pretty cute, a lot of your friends had boyfriends. And sometimes, being fifth wheel when you went to the movies just wasn't fun. Having a boyfriend might be convenient. You could go to movies, have someone over for dinner, hold someone's hand.

So you went out with Ryan Decker. He was decent enough. To be honest though, that was before you really knew what you wanted. He got kind of annoying and you didn't like to call him. You never answered your phone. When you hung out, you just kind of wanted to leave to hang out with your friends. And when he kissed you? Well, you were bored. It was sloppy and his tongue was just not nice.

He eventually broke up with you after a while because you showed no interest in him. You were a crappy girlfriend. Your next step into that kind of territory was with your best friend. She had a boyfriend, but God did you love her. She made you feel better, she was softer, gentler. But she wasn't your girlfriend. She was…a kind of fling. She never got a chance to break up with her boyfriend for you.

And now you have a gorgeous brunette to feel for. And honestly, you have never felt like this with anyone. Not Ryan. Not Bethany even. Because _this_ girl, well she just makes your mind and body mush and you're quite sure you can't get enough of her.

Do you want her to be totally yours? Of course. You don't want her to act like she does with you, with anyone else. But your past dives into _girlfriend_ waters are making this one seem like a high jump. How do you ask? So you just say it?

Part of me wants to just write her a note that says _Ashley, will you be my girlfriend?_ But to pull that off, one needs to be cute and adorable. I'm not sure I am those things.

"What are you going to do for Ashley's birthday?" Fora asks me as we sit in a coffee house sipping our lattes.

I shrug, but smile kind of. "I don't know. I, um, I wanna do something special for her though."

Fora grins like a seven year old on Christmas morning. "Aww. That's so sweet. Who knew Spencer would ever be a nice girl."

"Yeah, thanks." I roll my eyes at her. "And who knew my two best friends would be screwing each other."

"We have not had sex yet!" Fora yells way louder than necessary and then immediately slaps her hand over her mouth. Her eyes go wide at her own outburst. I just smirk knowingly.

"Well now." I look at her still wide eyes. "I didn't even know anything was going on, but thanks for telling me." I laugh and sip my drink.

"Whatever." Fora mumbles. "We've just made out a couple of times." She smiles at the thought and I am having a hard time actually picturing it. Not that I want to _actually_ picture it, but you know what I mean.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask her, a bit hurt. I thought either of them would have let me know.

Fora gives me a pointed look. "It just started, I was going to. And please, Spence, like you shared everything." She raises her eyebrows to accentuate her point.

My face blushes a bit and I look away. "Call it even?"

"Deal." I shake Fora's hand and we both chuckle. "So seriously, Ashley's birthday."

"Well, I was thinking of maybe places I could bring her. Like a surprise or something."

Fora smiles softly. "I think that would be cute."

"Yeah, she's just been so…perfect. In every way." I say and look away because I feel my face and neck get hot.

Ashley's birthday is this weekend and I've been trying to think of the perfect thing to get her. I went to the mall. I went in every store. I found nothing that screamed out at me for her. I found nothing that said _happy birthday, I'm pretty sure I love you but I am way too nervous to tell you yet_. It's really a shame there is no t-shirt that says that. So then I thought about maybe throwing her a surprise party. But I'm selfish and decided I wanted her all to myself on her birthday. Right now I am stuck on the idea of bringing her somewhere. Not like to dinner or to a movie, but somewhere special and pretty.

There is really no way to describe the way she has been the past couple of weeks. Amazing is a good word. Phenomenal, maybe. Fucking fantastic is my personal favorite. Every time I see her, I'm in a good mood. Her smile makes me smile like a fool for the rest of the day. And when she kisses me softly, with the care I know she uses for me, I melt just a little bit more every time.

And there is no doubt in my mind that I want her. So far, we've kept it around PG-13. Never going totally too far but somehow crossing more and more lines. It's just hard, because once you kiss her, it takes super-human strength to pull away from her lips.

Plus there's the whole _girlfriend_ thing. I'm still figuring that one out.

------

Friday morning, the day of Ashley's birthday, I immediately text her and wish her a happy birthday. I am kind of bummed I won't see her until tonight, but I can deal with that. She texts me back and says thank you and that she can't wait to see me later. I grin throughout all my classes.

I meet up with Noel and Fora after school at our lockers. They are not acting different at all. Maybe a couple more playful punches. A tiny bit more flirting. But that's about it. Anyway, I really don't want to think about their foreplay.

"Did you decide what to do for her birthday?" Noel asks me as I put my book back into my messy locker.

"Yeah, you but her any _toys_?" Fora in an unfortunate suggestive way. I just stare at her.

"Um, no Fora. And yes, I know where I'm taking her." I smile to myself and turn back to my locker. I see Noel and Fora look at each other.

"And where would that be?" Noel asks, leaning on the locker beside me.

I slam my locker shut. "That's a surprise."

Noel rolls his eyes but Fora clicks her tongue on her teeth and a devilish smile appears on her face as she speaks. "You're taking her to Piermont."

I whip my head around to face her. "How the hell did you know that?" I ask her roughly, eyeing her up to see if she has some kind of strange mind power. That would totally put into perspective her whole weird personality thing.

Fora shrugs and drops the smug smile. "I saw you writing it in your planner in history."

Noel laughs and I punch his shoulder hard. "Douchebags." I murmur as we walk out of school.

"Piermont, huh?" Noel says when we get to his car outside. It's a nice day out and I'm hoping it will be even nicer tonight. Chilly but not freezing. "That's quite romantic."

"Maybe." I say quietly. "It's just, a nice town. And there are _boats_ there." Fora giggles and I glare at her hard.

"Right. That's why you're bringing her." Noel says with a smirk.

Piermont is a small town right on the water. It's pretty much a picture of perfection during the day when it's sunny and at night when the stars are out. It's a bit of a drive because it's right on the border of New York and New Jersey but I think it's worth it.

"To woo her." Fora adds in.

Noel laughs. "She doesn't need to woo her, she has her already. Right Spence?"

I look between the both of them for a few second. "Stop asking me so many questions." I say gruffly and start to walk away.

"Good luck!" I hear Fora yell from behind me.

------

"Hi Spencer." My mother greets me as I walk through the back door. I look it over and contemplate repainting it. It is starting to chip a bit, even though I painted it a little while ago. What is with that door?

"Hi Paula. What are you doing home?" I ask her out of pure curiosity. Because it is nice to have her here when I get home.

My mother is still wearing her work clothes, bustling about the kitchen like usual. There's something about someone doing things in a small, cozy kitchen that calms you. Ashley has the same effect when I see her in my kitchen. Except the difference between them is that my mother's domestication is happy and Ashley's domesticated habits are just plain sexy.

"Well, it's Ashley's birthday today, right? So I didn't want to her to have to watch Harley, even though I think he is in the process of making her a gift right now."

"Making her a gift?" I ask as I out my bag down and grab a stool. My mother puts some new apples, oranges, and pears in the bowl on the counter. I pick through them.

"Yeah." She chuckles and shakes her head. "He brought up a whole box of macaroni and some glue."

"What a weirdo." I laugh as I start to peel an orange.

Paula nods and sits down across from me and opens the newspaper. "Did you get her anything?"

I shrug. "Not really, I think we're going to hang out later." I say and glance at my mother. Her eyes are watching mine curiously. As far as I know, she doesn't know about me and Ashley. Not that I'm keeping it a secret, it has just never come up. Unless my mother asking _are you being nice to Ashley?_ counts as it coming up. I always say _yes, of course_. Because well, I _am_ being nice to her.

"That sounds nice." She says with a smile, flipping to the Local section. "You two seem to be getting along nicely."

I nod. "We definitely are. I like Ashley a lot."

My mother nods absentmindedly. "Good."

"No." I say a little bit more seriously, and her head looks up at me. Blue eyes meeting blue eyes. "I really _like_ her, mom."

We have some kind of weird staring contest for about ten seconds. My mother's expression doesn't change except for the slight smile appearing on her face. "I think she really likes you too, Spence." And she smiles at me knowingly, before going back to reading the paper.

I hear footsteps running at a dangerously fast pace down the stairs and then Harley is right next to me with dried glue all over his hands a large piece of construction paper folded in half. "What do you think?" He asks giddily. He's literally hopping up and down.

I take, what I am assuming is a card into my hands and look it over. The front is a large heart outlined in pieces of pasta. _Happy Birthday!_ is scribbled inside the heart with a smiley face in the corner. Inside, it says the same exact thing. There is also a short little note that I don't get to read because Harley snatches it out of my hands.

"That's private." He says seriously.

"It looks great, Har." I tell him, choking back a laugh. I just smile at him and return to eating my orange.

"Ashley is coming over later, right?" Harley places the card down delicately on the counter and goes to wash his hands off.

"Yep." My mother assures him.

He's all smiles. "You better get her something good, Spencer." He gives me a once over. "She likes you a lot. For some reason."

"Thanks." I say dryly and roll my eyes.

------

Later, as I am upstairs getting ready, I hear my mother and Harley greet Ashley at the door. Their voices are mumbled, but I mostly hear Harley continuously talking over my mother in a very high pitched tone. I grab my keys and head downstairs.

Harley, Ashley, and my mother are in the kitchen and I see that she is reading the wonderful birthday card my brother made for her. I stand in the doorway, leaning against the molding, as I watch Ashley chuckle and thank Harley with a large hug. He looks like his blue eyes are about to pop out of his small head.

"Hey." I say and see her and my mother turn around to look at me. Ashley smiles wider than I've seen her in a while as her chocolate eyes meet mine. And in that moment I really want to kiss her in front of my mother and Harley.

I settle for a very warm hug and I kiss her softly on the cheek. "Happy Birthday Ash."

"Thank you." She says quietly.

We are interrupted by my mother rustling around some kind of package. "Here! Happy Birthday sweetie."

I had no idea Paula got Ashley a present. To be honest, I'm kind of scared to find out what it is.

Ashley takes apart to flawless wrapping paper delicately and opens a small box with a card inside. She reads the card first and her smile widens. But her eyes get jut a little bit watery, and I am confused as to why my mother would want to make Ashley cry on her birthday. When she looks up, Ashley goes to give my mother a hug.

"Thank you Mrs. Carlin." She whispers.

"I mean every word." My mother answers with a smile on her face. Her eyes meet mine and she winks. My mother just winked at me.

Ashley opens the rest of the present to find that my mother has bought her a necklace that is actually very cute. After all the thank you's and Happy Birthday's, Ashley and I head out.

"Have fun girls. Don't be too late. Oh, and be careful!" Paula yells as we head to the door.

I laugh. "Alright Paula."

"Bye buddy, thanks for the card." Ashley smiles at Harley and kisses his cheek fondly as we walk outside.

When we get inside the car I turn in the drivers seat to face Ashley. "Happy Birthday." I tell her again, but more quietly.

"Thanks Spence." She says shyly. Then her hand comes out to cup my face. I meet her half way in a very soft and gentle kiss. One I so badly want to deepen. I pull her closer by bunching up part of her sweater in my fist.

We pull away, both breathless. "So seriously, where are we going?" She asks with her eyebrow lifted.

"Can't tell you." I laugh out as I put the car into drive and head down the street.

It takes us about forty minutes to get there. My hand is intertwined with Ashley's the entire time we're in the car. We just talk randomly, but I like the easy silence with her soft hand in mine the best. Even though it makes it tougher to drive with just my left hand, it's definitely worth it.

When we get to the small town on the river, the sun is just starting to go down. So it's still light out, with pink and yellow in the sky. Ashley is looking out the window curiously when I park it safely.

"Come on." I tell her and get out of the car.

"Where are we?" Ashley asks me as she takes my hand. Her eyes are wide, looking round at the small houses, cute shops, the water out to the side, the dock lined with small boats.

I pull her hand over to where you can see the calm river. "Piermont." I point across the Hudson River. "That's New York."

Ashley just stares out into the water and the breeze blows her curls around her face. She pushes some behind her ear. "Wow. It's so nice here."

I nod. "The first time I ever came here I thought it was the coolest place. It's so calm and simple. I-" I meet Ashley's large brown eyes and I see her watching me intently. "I wanted to share it with you." I end quietly, giving her a small smile.

Ashley's beautiful lips form into a heart-melting smile. And then her arms are around me, her head in the space where my neck and shoulder meet. I feel a delicate kiss placed on my skin there and I shiver a tiny bit. Her lips trail their way up my neck so slowly and by the time she gets to my mouth my eyes are closed. "Thank you." She whispers to my lips before she meets them with her own.

We end with our foreheads pressed together and I only speak after I have memorized every part of her eyes. "Let's walk around." I take her hand in mine and walk towards the center of the town.

We spend about an hour looking around. Exploring the small town, finding abandoned houses and barns on the road. By the time we get back to where the pier is, the sun has set and there are a bunch of stars out. Exactly what I had hoped for.

With Ashley's hand in my own, I walk her down the pier past many, many boats. The water looks dark, but it's calm. And I'm happy for that, because when we get to the end I sit down on the edge of the pier and tug Ashley's hand to do the same.

"What do you think?" I ask her as I look up into the sky.

I sense Ashley turn her head and her eyes trace over my face. "I love it." She answers sincerely. I meet her eyes and she smiles. I am thankful for the darkness, even though I'm sure in the glow of the bright moon you can see my blush from across the river. "This was probably the best birthday I have ever had."

"You must have had some shitty birthdays before." I chuckle. I receive a hit to the shoulder for my comment.

"Seriously." Ashley says, after she has stopped laughing. "I mean it."

I look at her watching the sky. Her neck outstretched. I lean over slightly and press my lips to the side of her neck and I hear Ashley's breathing hitch just a small amount. "Good." I mumble as I bring my mouth to her cheek.

The moon is nothing short of amazing as it makes the girl sitting beside my practically glow. "You look so pretty right now." I whisper to her.

Her eyes meet mine and she doesn't say anything, just kisses me. It's more forceful than the kiss in the car and the one when we first got here. I've needed it for about an hour and it's perfect. I steady myself by letting my hand fall on her thigh, rubbing it softly. I feel Ashley's hand come around my neck, massaging the back of it while pulling me closer.

When my tongue meets hers, her soft moan goes right through me. Even though I have to breathe, I leave my lips on the side of her mouth and I bite her bottom lip gently when I regain breathing. I feel Ashley smile and that makes my lips mimic hers. So I let my head fall gently into her neck. She smells all sweet like honey. With her hand in my hair, I could fall asleep just like this. The thumping of her heart against mine could lull me to bed.

When I do pull myself away from her, I see her eyes are closed. They open a little bit and she smiles at me. "So we're not going in a boat?"

I laugh genuinely at her randomness and shake my head. "Boats scare me." I tell her seriously.

Ashley chuckles, grabbing my hand. She runs her fingers through mine repeatedly and looks once again at the stars.

"Ash?"

"Hmmm?" She keeps her eyes on the sky.

"I- I want to tell you something." I say seriously. This grabs her attention, she meets her chocolate eyes to mine and she looks a little worried. "But, I don't want to scare you."

"Spence, you can tell me anything." She says gently.

I nod, because I know that. I duck my head down but bring it right back up to meet her eyes. I mean, if you're gunna do it, then do it all the way, right?

"I love you." I say gently. It comes out kind of cracked. But the second I say it I cannot believe how incredibly true it really is. My hearty gets all fluttery and I bite my lip while Ashley just stares at me.

Her face soon breaks out into a grin. "Spencer."

"Ashley." I say with a light laugh.

"I love you too. I have for a while."

The butterflies that were making my heart all fluttery are now thrashing intensely and they have multiplied by a hundred. Ashley leans over to kiss me, saying the same exact words I just said but in a different way.

------


	15. fifteen

* * *

Picture this:

You used to be a closed bucket. Or maybe the expression is a closed _book_. Well, closed bucket really makes more sense. Because a bucket needs to have it's lid pried open and taken off. Sometimes it takes a large amount of strength to do that. And pry people did. Some people got very close, but were never able to get all four corners lifted. Some people even made negative efforts, causing the lid to be fastened tight to the bucket once again.

We're all looking for someone to take the lid off of our bucket. You've finally found someone to do that for you. And that immediately scares you at first. Because once the lid's gone, you are exposed to this person. But they did it, they managed to lift your lid and make you open.

The special thing about this person, you see, is that they didn't even have to use all their strength. They didn't even pry, because pry gives a rough connotation. They were gentle. And an important part of the reason that they were successful is because they were patient. They did it with care.

And when they opened your lid, you were happy. You smiled.

------

I am parked outside of Ashley's house. It's late, and we're just coming back from Piermont. I don't think there is anything I could have done to make it more perfect and beautiful than it was. The whole thing, not just the town. And I really, really hope Ashley feels the same way.

She has been asleep the last twenty minutes of the ride home. I feel bad waking her, because she looks so adorable, with her head tilted to the side and soft breaths coming out of her perfect mouth.

"Ash." I whisper to her. I gently rub her shoulder and her eyes flutter open. She looks around and then smiles lazily at me.

"Hi." She mumbles, blinking her eyes a few times in succession.

"We're at your house." I tell her with a small smile. Part of me doesn't even want this night to be over. But it has to end sometime, because that's how new things start.

"Oh." Ashley lifts her head and looks out the window at her house and then back to me. "I kind of don't want to go." She says shyly, looking away from my eyes.

"Me either."

Her chocolate eyes meet mine and they make my whole body warm. I have noticed they always have that effect no matter where we are or what we're doing. "Thank you, for everything. You made my birthday really amazing."

I know I blush. But I just work past it. "Of course. It's your birthday. And if your mom wasn't sleeping I would go in there and thank her personally for having you today."

Ashley chuckles huskily and shakes her head. She shifts in her seat so she is totally turned, facing me. "You're so weird."

I shrug and take her hand in mine. I focus on how her fingers fit perfectly inside the spaces of my own. I focus on how soft it feels, like the smoothest material that has not yet been discovered. I kiss the top of her hand and meet her eyes. "Sleep well."

Ashley nods, and grabs the top part my shirt to bring my face to hers in a goodnight kiss. Our simple goodnight kiss gets more involved very quickly. With her hand on my stomach and mine in her curls, I have to stop myself before I am resorted to kidnapping her back to my house.

The taste of her tongue is my parting present as she slowly takes her mouth away from mine. "Goodnight." Ashley whispers to the side of my mouth before getting out of the car. I watch her walk up the steps. Watch her turn around and give me a shy smile over her shoulder. I smile back and look down to the steering wheel as she gets inside.

I drive home in one of those dazes where you can't even remember how you got home. Has that ever happened to you? When I get to my house, I don't even realize I was driving. All that I know is that there is still a smile on my face.

That smile says its farewell when I see a figure sitting on the bench right outside of my front door. I know who it is right away, I barely even need to see the face. Because I see the blonde hair, head hung. Someone, somewhere out there, wants to ruin my night.

I slam my car door a little more forcefully that is needed and stomp my way over to the bench and the figure. At first I thought I imagined it. But it's real, it's definitely there.

"What are you doing here?" I ask roughly. I stand with my hands placed on my hips and glare my eyes.

"I just, I needed to talk to you about something."

I sigh angrily. "Now, Simon? Really, right now?"

He stands up to face me and he is just a fraction taller than I am. "I've been trying to a for a while. But." He looks at me and stops talking.

"What." I hiss out. Already I am ready for this confrontation, or whatever you want to call it, to be over.

"I just want to talk to you, Spencer."

I look at him for a moment before I turn my head. "I don't have time for this, nor do I care." I say and start to walk towards the front door. I feel a hand that is not soft reach out and grab my wrist, gently spinning me around. It's not rough enough for me to snap back, so I just slide back into place in front of him.

"Simon." I say in a dead tone.

He runs a hand through his hair and takes a breath. "That night. You know, _that_ ni-"

"Yes." I cut him off. "Jesus, yes I know what you're talking about."

Simon nods and continues to talk. Part of me just wants to go inside my house and shut him out. I don't want to hear whatever he's going to say. But it is like my feet are cemented to the ground under me. ""That night, we, me and B, well, I was driving her."

"I know Simon." I sigh in an annoyed voice.

"I was driving her to your house."

I stare at him in the eye. He's not flinching and he's serious. He's not lying. He's telling the truth. "What."

"We got into a fight. She was being all weird and then she told me to just bring her to your house. So that's where I was headed, when…" Simon's voice cracks multiple times as he talks. He fiddles with his fingers and ducks his head down every so often.

I let the information process inside of my brain. At first I feel a monumental weight on my heart. But I take a second to rationalize. It doesn't change anything. The fact that Bethany wanted to come back to my house after we had had a fight is just that; a fact.

"Why are you telling me this now?" I ask quietly. I close my eyes for a second. "Why now."

Simon shrugs. "I wanted to talk to you, but I just never did. You were so mad at me, and I know you wanted me to go too, or instead. I was nervous, honestly."

"This is such bullshit that you're telling me this right now." My voice rises. "Why couldn't you just keep it to yourself?"

Simon's eyes find mine and they're sad, his mouth in a frown. "I, I don't know. I felt like you should, know.

"It doesn't change anything."

Simon, for the first time that we've been interacting in this strange scenario, looks extremely angry. "I know that." He says roughly. "I'm sorry, you were B's best friend and I never wanted us to be on bad terms." With that, the blonde boy who once played a great deal in hurting my heart, steps away from me. He starts to walk away but turns around after a few steps. His mouth opens and then closes. Like the words got lost in his throat. And for that fleeting second, I believe he knows. He _knows_ about me and Bethany. But his figure is gone as quickly as it appeared.

I stand outside for a couple of minutes. Not doing anything and not even thinking anything. When I start to get too cold, I remember I left my jacket and purse in the car after I had been surprised by Simon.

I get my jacket and purse and then I see a box on the passenger side floor. It's the present she got from my mother. I bring it back into the house with me, where I find everyone asleep. As I am getting ready for bed, everything Simon said to me runs through my mind. To be perfectly honest, I have no idea what to do with that information.

Only when I hear my cell phone buzz do I snap out of it.

_Goodnight Spence. Thank you, just being with you made my birthday. I'll have to repay you :) I wish I could kiss you goodnight again. I'm yours. _

My breath catches in my throat and all of a sudden I feel very emotional. If I really wanted to, I could cry. But it's not out of anger, or nervousness. Or surprise. It's out of happiness and heaviness, because Ashley's words make everything else inconsequential. Ashley's words make me purely take Simon's information politely and store it away. Ashley herself makes me feel her and only her.

------

"Double sixes!" Harley yells and claps his hands together. He moves his little hat twelve spaces forward, counting out loud as he goes.

Ashley, Harley, and I are playing _Monopoly_. Do you have any idea how long that game is? I don't think I have ever even finished it. It goes on forever. And it is especially tortuous when I have Ashley sitting across from me, catching my eyes every few seconds. Looking incredibly cute and smelling so good I am almost salivating. What I really want to do is push all the pieces and cards off the game board and catch her in a hot kiss.

But I don't. Because honestly, Harley gets really OCD about keeping games in order and neat. He insists on being the banker. Although I think he is secretly sneaking Ashley 20's once in a while.

"I'm gunna buy it." He announces.

"No!" I say loudly, suddenly very competitive with my younger brother. "But I have the other two yellow ones, Har."

"So?" He sticks his tongue out at me. "That's the game Spencer. It's about _strategy_."

I roll my eyes. "That's not fair. You have to stop hanging out with Noel." I mumble angrily. He pulls this same shit all the time.

I see Ashley quietly laughing and I meet her eyes. She stops laughing and keeps a straight face. "What?"

I shake my head at her for encouraging Harley. I think they're teaming up against me.

"You suck at this game, Spence." Harley says seriously, blatantly stealing money from the bank. I just ignore him.

After about another hour of this hell that is _Monopoly_ made by those bastards _Milton Bradley_, Ashley and I head up to my room and leave Harley to talk to my mother.

As soon as we get in my room I close the door and I feel Ashley's lips on mine. They're soft, as always. And I missed them.

"I've been waiting for that." She mumbles in my neck as she bites down gently. I wrap my arms around her to pull her closer. Just the feel of her body against mine makes my skin tingle with small little flames.

I kiss her nose before pulling away. "I know you were cheating with Harley." I tell her, giving her my most serious, pointed look.

"Was not." She answers back, like a cute little kid. She's incredibly defensive. Her arms are crossed and her brow is furrowed.

"Ashley."

Ashley reaches out her hand to touch the hem of my t-shirt. She softly plays with it in her hand, her chocolate eyes burning into my own. Her hand eventually makes its way to have contact with my stomach. "I wasn't." She whispers. Her voice is huskier than it was seconds ago.

My eyes slide closed a little bit. "Y-you can't seduce me into making me b-believe you." I stutter out. But I bite my lip when she places her hand palm down inside my shirt.

"I think I can." She says slowly.

I go to pull her closer and don't even bother with a belt loop. I just grab the whole front edge of her jeans to bring her colliding into me. I feel her smile into our kiss as I deepen it by tilting my head. When I work my free hand into her curls, I hear a groan come from her.

"I win." She whispers into my mouth before pulling away to give my cheek a wet kiss.

I open my eyes and see her sitting on my bed with an innocent smile on her face. "You're meaner than I thought you were." I say as I take the box off of my dresser and hand it to her. "You forgot this in my car."

"Oh yeah!" She says, taking the necklace out to inspect it. Her giddy smile is adorable and I can't help but position myself as close to her as possible and let my lips meet the very side of her mouth.

"Hey." I say, making her meet my blue eyes. "What did my mom write to you?" I ask curiously. I've been dying to know, and I didn't want to be a creep and just look myself.

Ashley's smile gets softer and her face brightens as she takes the card out of the box. "Read for yourself."

_Ashley,_

_Happy Birthday sweetie! I truly hope you have a wonderful day, you deserve it. I want to thank you for being so great watching Harley. He really loves your company and he talks about you all time. Seeing you after school is the highlight of his day. I also want to thank you for being a great friend to Spencer. I'm sure she was difficult in the beginning, I've deal with her after all. My daughter can be difficult to get to sometimes. But somehow you seemed to have gotten into her like no one else has. It is no secret that we were all going through a tough time. And although I'm sure California is sad to lose you, we are grateful to gain you. So really what I am saying is thank you for being who you are for my daughter. It's obvious she has been happier, better. She smiles now, and I see it is for you. There is always that one person for someone else who has the ability to make them feel and to make them happy. I believe you are that for Spencer. You are part of this family, and I could not be happier about it. _

_All my love._

_Paula Carlin_

To my surprise, I feel my eyes prick. I find Ashley's comforting, loving brown ones and I smile. "Well, she totally knows." I say, but my joke comes out cracked and the total opposite of calm and collected.

"I, uh, kinda hope she's right, about everything." Ashley says shyly, pushing the box away from her.

"She is." I tell Ashley seriously.

We look at one another and let our smiles bounce off of each other's faces.

------


	16. sixteen

_So, I apologize for the delay on this chapter. I had a severe case of writer's block. But here it is and I really hope you enjoy it :) I'm pretty sure I know where I'm going next with this so the next update shouldn't be too far away.  
Thank you mm for being on my ass about this. You can have partial credit for it being done, plus I hope you liiiike it :) For you, babycakes. _

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Picture this:

You're standing in front of a large crowd. There are all sorts of people sitting in uncomfortable plastic chairs. Some are wearing hats. Some people are fighting. They're watching you. Judging you. As you stand on stage and wring your hands together. Sweat starts to drip down your back through your thin shirt.

Alright. Call me an exaggerator. I'm standing in front of The Davies' front door. My hands are wringing together. And there is sweat dripping down my back. I am scared it is seeable through my long sleeved collared shirt. What else says _I'm serious _more than a collared shirt?

I am about to have dinner with Ashley and her mom. Although it is not quite the large crowd that one can imagine, I'm still nervous. Because Ashley always talks wonderfully about her mother. She's always having dinner with her mother. And I do not want to be a crappy guest to the woman who made Ashley.

It takes me about five minutes to actually knock on the door, using that fancy little brass knocker. All of a sudden I have an urge to put my hand through the mail slot. I do not know why.

"Hey." Ashley says as she opens the door slightly. Just seeing her makes me calm down a bit. I blink and smile at her.

"Hi."

"You're nervous." She says seriously, opening the door a little more but stepping closer to me.

I make a scoffing sound. "I'm totally cool."

Ashley laughs huskily and shakes her head. Her chocolate eyes twinkle at mine and I think that I would be less nervous if Ashley kissed me right now. She is possibly reading my mind, because she leans in and drags her soft lips across mine. I feel like a fool when I smile into our kiss but I can't help it.

Ashley takes my hand and pulls me inside. "Come on."

I hold on to her hand like a flotation device as Ashley walks me into their kitchen. It's dim. And there's no one in it except us. Ashley is speaking but I'm just looking at her. Because of the dim light, and the two large candles that are lit on the counter, she's kind of glowing. Every once in a while she'll move from talking and she'll shimmer. It's kind of mesmerizing. Her eyes are very chocolate-y. Her hair is very curly. Her shirt looks very good.

I know I love her. I told her that already. But in this strange moment in her dim kitchen, I _want _her.

"So she said she'll be down soon." Is all I hear Ashley say. She gives me a confused smile. "Spencer."

I've already been looking at her so my eyes have nowhere to snap. They just have to focus. "Yeah."

Ashley shakes her head and chuckles from deep within her. She's making me kind of a hot mess.

"Hello girls. Spencer!" I turn my head to see, who I can only assume to be, Mrs. Davies walking into the kitchen. She has quite a large smile on her face.

"Hi, Mrs. Davies, how-" I start to say but am cut off by, well, Mrs. Davies.

"It's so nice to finally meet you Spencer. Ashley's only been talking about you forev-"

"_Mom_." Ashley hisses, silencing her mother's unconscious confession.

I smile at Mrs. Davies. "It's nice to meet you too. My mom said really nice things about you."

The older Davies smiles and nods her head. "Paula is a sweetheart." I try not to laugh, because really, I have never heard any one describe my mother as a sweetheart. She's nice and all, but she's just _Paula_.

After I try to make myself more comfortable talking to Mrs. Davies, which by the way doesn't happen, I help Ashley set the table for dinner. I almost knock over a candle because Ashley's hand accidentally brushes against my back pocket. I feel some kind of electricity shoot up my body, but successfully prevent a fire.

As we are eating dinner and discussing nice things like school and animals in the zoo and pokémon and swimming pools and alto saxophones, I remember a question that I do not know the answer to. Does Mrs. Davies know about me and Ashley? And while we're on that track, does she know about Ashley in general? I have no idea. And the second that I remember I have no idea, I become extremely nervous. I start to perspire a little bit and shift in my seat, in a bad way.

I see Ashley shoot me a look from the corner of her eye. Her eyebrows are scrunched, like she's saying _what's wrong?_ I just tap my fingers on the table and try to smile at the woman across from me.

When the phone rings, Mrs. Davies excuses herself from the table to go answer it.

"What is wrong with you?" Ashley asks. She doesn't say it meanly though, I don't think Ashley has a mean bone in her gorgeous body. The thing about her, though, is that she's all shy and quiet. And she was all stutter-y when I first met her. It's adorable, and it makes me like her so much that it kind of hurts sometimes.

I've gotten over being scared of that. Because Ashley's marvelous smile is in no way scary.

"I just, Ash. Does your mom know?" I ask her tentatively.

Ashley opens and closes her mouth. "Um, know what?" She asks innocently.

I sigh. "One, _please_. Two, I'm gunna take that as a no, right?"

Ashley's chocolate eyes just stare into my blue ones. I can't really tell what she's thinking. "She doesn't know, no. Um, does Paula know? No, right?"

I'm just wondering why we haven't had this conversation before. It seems like such a preliminary one. But I guess we kind of got too caught up in each other to care about any other insignificant details. "No Paula doesn't know." I think for a second. "Well actually, I kind of inadvertently told her about us, but I don't know if she totally caught on."

Ashley looks confused. "What?"

I shake my head. "I don't know." I chuckle, and so does Ashley.

Ashley reaches out a hand and tucks a piece of stray blonde hair behind my ear. My eyes kind of close at her touch. "But I wanna tell her, you know. It's not like I was hiding it, I just." Her finger draws a circle on my cheek and I smile at her, urging her to continue. "I wanted to have someone worth telling her for. And I never have. But I do now, so." I see the rosy blush on her cheeks as her head ducks.

"Ashley." I say quietly and pull the top part of her shirt towards me. I don't even care if Mrs. Davies walks in right now, I just want to kiss her.

I give her a quick kiss and I both hear and feel Ashley sigh into it. This is no movie, soap opera, or drama. Mrs. Davies does not walk in interrupting us, so Ashley and I sit back in our places with large stupid matching smiles.

The rest of the diner goes smoothly. Mrs. Davies is very nice. I learn these facts: One, she does in fact work for the government, but was not able to talk about it. I _told_ Ashley that was sketchy. Two, When she smiles, it's like an older version of Ashley. Three, she thinks my mother is fun a lady and would love to go out for drinks with her. Where that came from? I have no idea. Yes, Paula, Mrs. Davies, Ashley, and I should all go out on a double date. How nice and convoluted that would be.

Me and Ashley get plate duty, so she dries them and I wash them. It feels nice to be doing something like this with her. Since I am standing so close to her, I'm touching her warm body. Ashley gives me an affectionate kiss on the cheek as we stand at the sink. I know my body gets hot. And I also know Mrs. Davies sees because I see her smile out of the corner of my eye.

------

I am lying down on my back on Ashley's bed. It's soft. But what is even softer is that she is partly lying on top of me. I feel soft breathing on my neck where her curly-haired head rests. Every now and again even softer lips will make contact with the skin there. Her body is keeping me warm. Comfortable. Safe.

"I think my mom likes you." Ashley murmurs.

I rub my hand up and down her back and I swear to God, or whoever, that Ashley just purred. "I hope so." I close my eyes and focus on breathing in how incredibly good she smells. Like oranges. "Ash."

"Yeah." Ashley says, her head moving slightly so she's looking at me.

"Can I ask you the question I'm not really supposed to ask you?"

Her eyes search my face, and when they decide that it's nothing bad, they become calm again. "Sure."

"When you said you didn't have anyone worth telling for, what did that mean? That, you've never…"

"Had a girlfriend?" She finishes for me. There's a slight smile on her face. It's not a smirk or any kind of cocky. Just a small, simple smile. Sometimes with all the smirks and glares and crooked smiles in the world it's a wonder to me how it's still possible for someone to just simply smile. But I see solid proof in front of me. "I've had a girlfriend. Just one."

"Uh huh." I breathe out. I'm not sure what I am waiting for. Perhaps some crazy confession like her girlfriend was famous, or is now in jail. Or perhaps that her girlfriend died tragically in a car accident, leaving her thinking she had lost her heart.

Ashley shrugs slightly on top of me, sending chills on top of the chills that I am already experiencing in me. Chills squared. "She was nice. But I moved, and that was that."

"I'm sorry." I tell her quietly.

"You don't have to be Spence. I never." Again, I catch Ashley's eyes. "I never felt like this for her. At all." I nod because I understand. I really understand. I can confidently say I have never felt this way for anyone besides Ashley either. "Spencer. I love you."

Even though this is not the first time we've said it, it _is_ the second. And that's still something. And I still get all the same rush of butterflies and bats and birds and whatever other winged creatures swirling around in me. "And I love you back." I smile sincerely.

And with one warm kiss to the neck, everything gets heavier. The beating of my heart. My breathing. The way I am feeling. Ashley's kiss to my neck becomes less innocent when her tongue meets my skin. I move my head up so she has more room and I love that this girl can take a hint. My hands find place on her lower back, feeling the skin peeking out at the top of her jeans. Jeans that are pushing into mine wonderfully.

Ashley's mouth finds its' way up my neck, along my jaw, and finally to my mouth. I kiss her harder than I ever have. Because right now. Right now it feels right.

I feel Ashley slow her motions as her hand rests on the buttons of my shirt. I know she's waiting for an answer. My answer comes in the form of a very pathetic whimper as I pull her lips back to mine. My hands in her hair. And Ashley's breathing gets incredibly heavy in my mouth when my hand traces the button and zipper of her jeans.

She feels way too good, I have to be dreaming.

Fortunately, I'm not. Because Ashley's hand on my stomach, fingers dancing around, feels way too real and way too hot to be just a teasing dream. This is no dream.

I dare to say it's better.

------

"Hey." I say to Noel and Fora when I see them sitting at a picnic table at lunch.

I smile at them both and sit down next to Fora. Noel gives me a nod and goes back to eating his sandwich. Fora just stares at me and says nothing.

"I'm sorry, did I offend you?" I ask my weird friend with a slightly caustic tone.

Fora scrunches her eyebrows together, flips her dark hair over her shoulder. Then she gets this scary, sly smile on her face. "You had sex."

"_Fora_." Noel hisses loudly.

I open my mouth and then close it. "Excuse me?"

Fora just keeps her eyes on mine. "You had sex."

"Please." Noel rolls his eyes dramatically. "Say it again we didn't hear you."

"You had sex." Fora says seriously.

I keep my eyes locked on hers. I move them over to Noel who is eating a sandwich that looks like it came out of her bag. I see Noel blink at Fora and then go back to doing whatever he was doing before.

"_You_ had sex." I say, meeting Fora's eyes again. They blink but other than that they don't budge one bit. "With each other."

She just looks nonplussed and shrugs when she speaks. "Perhaps we all had some sex." But I see the slight grin in her features when she finishes.

Usually I would probe them for more details, but I'm not sure I want to know. I mean yes, I'm curious, but I'm too busy thinking about Ashley to be anything other than a tiny bit curious.

------


	17. seventeen

_I listened to _What Sarah Said _by _Death Cab For Cutie _pretty much the whole time I wrote this. Good song.  
Sorry for the delay and shortness.  
Enjoy :) _

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Picture this:

You're hot. And not from the heat. Not from another body. You're sweating because you don't know what's going on and you don't want to miss it. The seat you're sitting in is uncomfortable. It's that weird material that's not soft but it's not plastic, it's hard and kind of slippery. Waiting rooms are never comforting.

Because every time you look in one, you see unhappiness. Sadness. People with their heads down are most likely praying to a God they do not believe in. Or haven't spoken to in so very long. The human race is selfish this way. We disregard God and all of that, but when hard times come around out of nowhere, like a gust of harsh wind, we all look to that God. That hope.

You can't take your eyes off of the mesmerizing pattern of the ugly carpet on the ground. It's giving you a headache but compared to the other things you're feeling, it's a relief. The Catch 22 here is that you are not waiting. You already did that. In the car on the way, in the bright hallway surrounding you. So now you're knowing. It's difficult to decipher what's worse, the knowing or the waiting.

This was all on a day that you're sure you would never forget. Because we don't forget horrible things. Why is that? How can we carelessly sometimes forget wonderful things as we remember bad things. You do not remember the date of when you first got that puppy. But you remember the day he was put down.

Perhaps that's not fair. Because life is not all about puppies and sunshine and egg rolls. It's more about death and love and feeling.

------

My eyeliner is a little smeared and my hair is just a little messy. I tie it back into a loose ponytail. I'm not sure if I should be smiling of frowning. Laughing or bawling. It's funny how this world is all about opposites. My blue eyes stare back at me in the mirror of the bathroom. I splash a little bit of water on my face and dry it off with a washcloth. The washcloth is striped. Half one color half another. It's mocking me. Just decide.

When I walk out of the bathroom, I try to close the door as quietly as possible so I don't wake her. Ashley is sleeping in the middle of her bed, curled up in a tiny ball. She looks too adorable for words, curls spilling out of the covers, hands stretched out to her sides. I just keep my eyes on her for a few moments, momentarily forgetting that I'm smiling.

With a kiss to her forehead and a note on the bed, I make my way out of the darkened house and down the driveway to my car.

When I arrive at the cemetery, I scold myself for not bringing a sweatshirt. It's a bit chilly out. Did you ever notice that no one ever talks about going to a cemetery in the summer. In shorts or a baseball cap. Never anything cheerful like that.

We're not playing a game or keeping little secrets. So it's obvious I'm going to visit Bethany's grave. Here, late at night, with a moon shining too intensely to be sad, I look at my dead best friend's cold gravestone. I do not come here often. In the beginning, I couldn't come here at all, it was just something that my mind and body resisted. It got easier though, and I came every anniversary of her death. _Anniversary_ is too much of a joyous word to be associated with death, I think.

I didn't bring any flowers, because to be quite frank I just didn't feel like it. Flowers are obsolete to a dead person.

Part of me wants to be that person that talks out loud to the gravestone, like whoever is six feet under can hear what I'm saying. Maybe they can, maybe they can't. I'm not God. The other part of me feels silly to be that person. I feel like my thoughts are what are really important here.

I put my hands in my pockets and think about how yesterday was the "anniversary" of Bethany's death. It's not yesterday, it's today. So that means I forgot. I think about how this is the first time I forgot this day in months. That's a lie. The first time I forgot this date _ever_.

_I wasn't even sure why we were in the waiting room. We were definitely not waiting for anything. Maybe we were waiting for someone to tell us this was all a joke. For Bethany to just come waltzing out with that over-confident smile on her face, saying _"I know that was mean, but I got you." _I wouldn't have been mad at her. _

_I just sat in my chair and kept my eyes on the ground. Noel and Fora sat next to me on either side in the same position. Bethany's mom and dad and younger sister were there too. But I couldn't meet their eyes._

_Was it a coincidence that this was the same date that I had first told Bethany I loved her? Maybe. Maybe that was the puppies and sunshine part of life that I actually was able to retain. Something happy and wonderful. But now it was her date of death. Death was stealing the thunder of something that had once made me happy. _

"_I hate this day." Fora said quietly, so only Noel and I could hear her. _

_I nodded, but didn't say it back. Because that was when I started to hate every day._

_------_

"I saw the flowers you left." I say to Fora I sit own next to her on a bench on the sidewalk. She turns her head to look at me. She's wearing a baggy shirt that has the name of the store she works at inscribed in thread in the corner. It's an ugly green color. Like when you throw up on the grass.

"Tulips." Is all she says with a slight smile.

I nod and blink. "B always loved those."

"You went then?"

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. "Yesterday. I went yesterday."

I feel my friend's eyes on the side of my face. She knows I never miss it. She's probably wondering why I hadn't met up with her the other day to go to the cemetery, like we usually do. Although I always stay after she leaves.

"I was wondering why you didn't call me." Fora says. She shrugs. "It's nothing to be ashamed of. It's alright." She asserts more sternly.

I open my eyes and meet hers. They're sincere, and they're telling me it's alright. Because anything is alright when you're…happy.

"Is it?"

Fora nods, her dark hair moving slightly with the motion of her head. Her bangs are kind of covering her face now and I can't recall when they got so long. "Yeah Spence. It's alright. We can't keep living in this fantasy land where we're constantly consumed with the grief of our dead best friend, you know."

"I'd hardly call it a fantasy land, Fora." I chuckle a little bit.

"True. But you get my point."

And strangely, I do.

The vibration of my phone startles me and I dig deep in my jeans pocket for the device.

"Hey." I smile immediately when I see its Ashley calling me.

I hear Fora snort next to me and I give her a nice, hard glare.

"I see you." Ashley says in a creepy voice.

I laugh. "Ash, that's so sketchy."

I hear her husky chuckle and then I feel a soft hand on the back of my neck. I twist my head around and meet her wide smile with my own. "Hey there. Hey Fora"

"What are you doing here?" I ask her as Ashley walks around the bench and takes a seat next to me.

"My mom asked me to drop something off at the post office." Ashley gives my cheek a light kiss and I feel myself blush, just from the small contact. I would roll my eyes to myself if I wasn't so totally okay with how she affects me.

"So I heard your mom works for the _government_. Is she in the mafia?" Fora asks Ashley. And she's totally serious too. She's leaning forward with her hands cupping face, eyes wide at the pretty brunette next to me.

Ashley looks confused, which is an adorable look on her. "Uh, I don't think so."

"The mafia is not the government." I say seriously to Fora.

She rolls her eyes and sits back. "Yeah, but it could be like in _The Departed_. Mrs. Davies could be like, a spy undercover or something."

"Don't you have to go do Noel or something?"

Fora stands up and brushes her large shirt off, even though there is nothing on it nor is it wrinkled. "Actually." She pauses dramatically and looks at her wrist, which has no watch on it. "Yes. See you two flamingos later."

Ashley laughs quietly to herself before she talks to me. "Has she always been like that?"

"Actually." I pause dramatically. "Yes. The first time I met her when I was little she accused me of stealing her _Dunkaroos_."

"Did you?" Ashley eyes me up suspiciously.

I shrug and lace my fingers gently with hers. "I might have."

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	18. eighteen

_Holy shit Batman! Seriously, I have no excuse for this being so delayed. I apologize sincerely. But I'm back, well at least I hope I'm back. I hope I still have some loyal readers and perhaps some new ones. Enjoy friends :)  
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Picture this:

With eyes straight ahead, all you see is movement and black and lights and people. You're still, but they're all in motion. Your heart pounds just a bit as you lean your head forward, watching. Waiting. The end result in this little game could possibly get you killed. It could possibly end with you splattered all over the ground.

Not that you really want that anyway. But it's a possibility.

The object right next to you edges forward and you do the same at the same time. It's just a small amount, but enough for you to notice.

You blink.

"Spencer it's green."

I blink again and turn my head to look at Fora. "What." I deadpan.

"The light is green." She looks at me with questioning eyes. "Green means go stupid."

I press my right foot slightly on the gas and ease my car into the intersection. I didn't even hear the honking in back of me telling me to stop being an ass basket and move my car, please. Actually, minus the please because really, when you honk are you saying _move your fucking car, asshole, please? _No. People today have no manners.

"I'm aware, thank you."

Fora rolls her eyes and looks ahead at the traffic moving in front of us. "Obviously not. So, how's your lovebird Ashley?"

My mouth involuntarily smiles wide and I cannot make it stop. The muscles there won't listen and it's kind of pissing me off.

Fora chuckles. "I'll take that goofy smile as a _she's fucking fantastic_."

"Those were going to be my exact words actually, yes." I murmur while trying to make my mouth be normal. I don't think it knows what normal is anymore though. "How's Noel."

Fora nods her head and smiles. I can tell she's trying not to smile too much. It seems like our mouths are imitating each other. " He's good. Hey! We should go on a double date, that would be quite swell."

"Quite swell indeed."

------

Whenever I drive places at night I love the glow the streetlights give the road. It's yellowish sometimes, with a tint of slight off-white. Everything looks better at night, in my honest opinion. Not that I would lie about that because there would be no reason to.

I'm going to pick Ashley up for our double date with Noel and Fora. The one she arranged and forced us all to go on because we need "bonding time" as couples. Her words, not mine. I told her we were all best friends but she was insistent.

I put my car in park and wait outside of Ashley's house. My fingers tap an un-nameable beat on the steering wheel and my throat hums an un-recognizable melody. My eyes stay glued on the door and in a few short minutes I see it open and then close. Ashley locks the door and when she's turned around I take the time to check her out. And when she walks slowly to the car down the pathway I take the time to check her out. I'm not creeper but I like to appreciate.

My stomach tingles as she gets closer and I am amazed at how she can still give me that feeling. I love it.

"Hey there." Ashley says with a large smile on her face as she opens the passenger side door and lets herself in. I would have gone around and opened it for her but two things stopped me. One, I was too mesmerized by her body walking towards me to move out of the car. And two, I'm not really the gentleman-ly type.

"Hi." I breathe out.

I feel the cheesiness seep out of the situation as slow-motion takes over and Ashley leans towards me to kiss me. Her lips are soft and they taste good, like oranges. I feel my nose breath out as I prolong the kiss because there is no reason to pull away from her. I both feel and hear Ashley make a humming sound through my mouth. It vibrates through my lips, down to my stomach and makes its way throughout my body.

"You taste good." I tell her seriously when we eventually pull away. She leans her back fully against the car seat and smiles at me. It's a breath-taking smile, like all of her smiles. One of the many things I love about her.

"Apparently." She chuckles out and blinks cutely at me. Yes, _blinks_ cutely. It's possible. "So what's going on with this double date thingy?" Ashley asks me as she plays around the with radio stations. Her eyebrows are scrunched together in concentration for something so simple.

I sigh. "Well, Fora has arranged for you, me, her, and Noel to go to a movie. I don't know what we're doing after that, but I'm betting it has something to do with getting coffee."

Ashley laughs lightly. "So, it's like the most standard double date ever."

"Basically. That okay with you, fancy pants?"

Ashley raises one eyebrow at me. I feel my face get hot and my palms a little sweaty. Jesus, who ever thought that this stuttering, shy, little babysitter would be so sexy? Not me. No sir.

The drive to the movie theater involves me holding Ashley's hand and trying to steer and change lanes with just my left hand. It's a difficult feat but I pull it off. I pull it off all the while having Ashley's fingers rubbing my own and scratching certain parts of my hand. The feeling is indescribable, though I can safely say I don't want to go to this movie anymore.

Although maybe a dimly lit theater will be fun.

When we finally park and arrive outside, I feel Fora and Noel standing outside waiting for us. Fora has on some kind of bright pink rain jacket with those really shiny, really plastic-y rain boots on. I scrunch my eyebrows and look up into the sky. It's not raining.

Noel is holding her hand and swinging it back and forth between them with a stupid-ass smile on his face. His shirt is probably the ugliest color green I have ever seen in my life.

"You two just make the most fashionable couple." I tell Fora, and add an eye roll.

She smiles at me like I just told her she looks absolutely beautiful. "Thanks Spence."

"Um." Ashley looks Fora over. "You know Fora, it's not raining."

"I know." She answers nonchalantly. " But I like to be prepared."

"Whatever, did you get the tickets?" I turn to ask Noel.

"Get them yourself, lazy ass."

"Noel." I say seriously. "You were supposed to pre-order them."

He looks confused. "I never got the memo."

I turn to look at Ashley. "Did you tell Fora?"

She nods cutely and diverts her eyes to Fora. "Fora, I talked to you the other day. Told you to tell Noel, remember?"

"Riiiiight." Fora looks at Noel, who is slightly glaring at her. "Er, I forgot."

I feel like I'm in a _Friends _ episode. Except, it's slightly less funny. Or, well, not even that funny at all. I'm no Chandler Bing.

Noel goes inside to try and get tickets as Ashley, Fora, and I wait outside. I feel Ashley's soft hand slip quietly into mine and I immediately smile. I simply do not care who is around or if anyone is watching us. Her simple act makes my heart jump ten feet into the air.

Fora is just standing there, smiling at us.

"Do you have a comment?" I ask her. There's a hint of hostility in my voice but a slightly playful smile on my face.

She shakes her head, her dark hair swooshing back and forth. Some bangs get in her eyes. She doesn't move them. "Nope."

"Well, it's sold out." I hear Noel's voice say as he walks up beside Fora.

She turns to him with her eyebrows scrunched together. "Sold out as in…"

"As in sold out. No more. Nada. There's nothing left. No more tick-"

"Alright, alright." I say a little more loudly than necessary. "Good job with the advance purchasing of the tickets, guys."

"Well, what should we do now?" Ashley asks as she takes a seat on the sidewalk. I momentarily think about telling her how dirty it must be but then I look at her sitting cross-legged and looking up at me. She looks too adorable to tell her about the crap that she might be sitting on.

Noel shrugs his shoulders and takes a seat next to Ashley.

"Let's go to a Miley Cyrus concert." Fora suggests seriously.

"How about no?" I offer just as seriously.

"Come on! It'll be fun."

Noel rolls his eyes before he speaks. "She's not even in concert here, she's in California."

All three heads snap in his direction. Ashley and I are both wearing faces of confusion. Fora is looking like she just realized Noel is her soul mate. Maybe he is.

"How the hell do you know that?" I ask him.

Noel huffs, kind of like a pre-teen girl finding out that Miley Cyrus is actually not going to be playing a concert in the Tri-State Area. "I just do, okay. The internet has all kinds of pop-ups."

"Uh huh." Ashley mumbles from next to him.

"Whatever." Noel scoffs, and then I swear that he starts to hum something very similar to _Party In The USA._

I see Ashley smiling at me out of the corner of my eye, so I sit down in her lap. Her arms come around me and she rests her head on my shoulder.

After about five minutes of discussing what we should do, Noel runs off yelling _I'll be back!_ When he gets back another ten minutes later, he has a pizza box in his hand, takes a seat back on the ground, and opens the box and takes a slice.

I look around at my friends and at this girl who I am falling in love with very quickly, and decide that this is what life is about. Eating pizza on the sidewalk outside the movie theater with these people.

While Ashley, Fora, and Noel are involved in a very serious conversation about who would win in a condiment war, I see something move to the right of me. I turn my head to look and only see a dim lamppost on the sidewalk. The air underneath it glimmers a little bit.

I blink at her, and for some reason I smile. The figure nods at me and gives me a thumb up. _I'll see you, but not for a really long time._ Then she's gone.

"Spencer. Spencer."

"What?" I turn back to the three of them looking at me.

"We should go, it's getting kind of cold." Ashley says as she starts to get up.

And just as we are walking to our cars, it starts to rain.

------

"Did you know that the velociraptor actually had wings?"

I roll my eyes but my mother looks intrigued. "No, Harley."

He nods his head. "It's true."

"How do you know this?" Paula asks seriously. She takes a bite of her pizza and continues to stare at him, like she just asked for an explanation about healthcare programs.

"Well." Harley starts as he takes a seat on a stool, facing my mother. "Really, the only reason we picture them the way we do is because of Jurassic Park."

"Huh." I mumble.

Harley changes the subject, obviously bored with explaining his superior knowledge of dinosaurs to idiots. "Is Ashley coming to my game tomorrow?"

"Actually no." My Paula replies. And my head turns to her. "Her mother needs her for something." Paula looks nervous.

"Noooooo. But I'm being the goalie!" Harley yells dramatically.

My mother shrugs her shoulders and Harley stomps out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

"Um, what does her mom need her for?" I ask my mom as I help put away the rest of the pizza.

"Don't you know? You too are very close."

I tap my fingers on the plastic surface. "This is true, Paula. But, I don't."

"Ashley has to drive her mother to some meeting."

"What happened to Mrs. Davies' car?"

"I think it's in the shop."

"Well, what kind of meeting?"

My mother snaps her head violently towards me. "What's with the third degree, Spence? I'm not sure."

"Just curious." I sulk out.

I stand at the counter watching my mother bustle about the kitchen for a little while longer. I keep thinking she'll continue to talk about Ashley and her mom, but she doesn't.

Finally I give up and trudge up to my room.

"Hey you." Ashley answers her phone on the second ring.

I get butterflies just from hearing her say those two words. _Hey you_ is a heart-melting expression.

"Hey there."

"What's up?"

I shrug, but then remember she can't see that. "Nothing. Paula said you're not coming over tomorrow?"

"Maybe later. I have to drive my mom to some meeting."

"Okay, well Har will be really disappointed. His life revolves around you, you know." I snicker into the phone.

I hear Ashley laugh a little bit. "Jealous?"

"Psssh. Please." I pause a second. "A little."

------

I tap my foot on the cold floor, up and down. My eyes look over to my right to see Fora in the desk next to me drawing slightly pornographic doodles of Leonardo DiCaprio. I continue to tap my foot impatiently.

"Jesus, stop it Spencer." I hear her hiss from next to me.

"I'm sorry." I mumble towards her. "I just, I have this weird feeling in my stomach."

When the bell rings, we carry our conversation into the hallway. "What kind of weird feeling?"

I shrug. "I'm not sure."

"Like, bathroom troubles weird?"

I glare hard at her as she puts books in her locker. "No, Fora. More like uneasy, I guess."

"I'm gunna come over. I think it's time for some valuable Harley-boy time."

"Well," I say as we walk towards the door outside, "He has a soccer game, we can go to that if you really feel the need to."

"Hmmm. Can I bring my pom poms?"

I look at her for a second. She's as serious as a heart attack. "Yes."

------

This is not normal young boy's soccer game. You would think that they're playing for a golden egg or something. There are soccer mom's yelling and jumping into the air. Coaches running back and forth on the sidelines. Strange girls doing cheers with pom poms by themselves. I choose to be the girl that steals a Capri Sun pouch from a cooler and sit on the bleachers.

Remember those games when you were little, where your uniform is a brightly colored t-shirt with the name of some hardware store on the front and a large, white, plastic-y number on the back? This is that. Harley's team is bright orange, and I watch him swaying back and forth in front of the net like a wasp. He's even got those gloves on. When he saw Fora, I swear I saw him roll his eyes. But when he saw me, I saw him smile and wave.

I felt good about myself.

"Is that your brother?" I hear a voice say and a I sense a body sit down next to me. I look to my side to see a guy I do not recognize. His hair is incredibly dark, almost black, which make his teeth look especially white when he smiles at me.

"Yup, the albino goalie." My eyes linger on his green ones.

This interesting stranger chuckles at me. "Well, he's pretty good, he's had some impressive saves so far."

"He has. And yours?"

The guy points to a kid who is running up-field with the ball in front of him. "Number nine."

"Oh I see." I laugh and meet his eyes again. "The star of the team, huh?"

"He definitely likes to think so. I'm Mac." He gives me a small smile and holds out his hand for me to shake. I shake it.

"Spencer. Nice to meet you Mac." I eye him suspiciously. "And Mac stands for…"

"Mackenzie." He pauses a minute and smiles again. "I'm not ashamed."

We both laugh a little and then stay quiet while something important happens in the game.

Mac turns to me after Harley saves another goal. "So, I usually take my brother out for pizza after the games, do you guys wanna tag along?"

"We'd love to!" Fora says way too excitedly as she comes bouncing over, pom poms still in hand.

Mac laughs and nods his head. "Okay, cool. I'm Mac."

"Fora." Then she proceeds to curtsey. I wasn't aware that people still do that. Although Mac doesn't seem to be affected by her bizarro-ness.

When the game ends, Mac goes to get his younger brother while Fora and I wait for Harley to get untangled from the net.

"He's gorgeous." She says, watching him walk away.

"Yeah." I answer nonchalantly.

Fora looks at me. "Look we all know you're gay and whatever but please, appreciate what needs to be appreciated. I'd tap that in a second."

"Fora, remember Noel?"

She shrugs and flips her hair over her shoulder. "I know, I'm just saying. The guy's a ten."

Fora continues to watch Mac walk over to his younger brother, and there might possibly be drool coming out of her mouth.

When Mac returns, he introduces his younger brother to us. The young boy might as well be a spitting image of his older brother. Same dark hair and eyes that are just a little bit more brown than green. He will no doubt be just as fortunate in the looks department as his brother.

"This is Cheese." Mac says with a smile.

"What?" Fora says.

I laugh a little and meet Mac's grin. "Cute. Mac and Cheese."

Mac shrugs. "This is Paul."

Apparently, Harley and Paul know each other and get along well, because when Harley runs over he high fives Paul and they both do this weird little dance. A sort of Macarena, I would best classify it as.

"Little boys are so strange." Fora mumbles as we walk to the parking lot.

On our way to the pizza place, I call Ashley's cell phone because I haven't heard from her in a while. And also because I miss her. It rings and goes to voicemail, so I figure she's either waiting for her mom or still driving. Harley talks continuously about the game on the way there, and if we saw all his "glorious" saves. His word not mine.

"No answer?" Fora asks me as we pull into the parking lot to see Mac and Paul getting out of their car.

"Nope." I tell her.

"I'm sure she's just driving. Or has been captured by aliens."

The thought is not comforting.

------


	19. nineteen

_Hello! I apologize for the delay once again. The good news. This is a new chapter, and I have another new one already written and ready to go. The bad news. This is going to be the second to last chapter. I really don't want to drag this out, so I think a nice bitter-sweet ending is in order. Hope you guys like. Give me some love, yeah?_

_(Baby, I have a cute shout-out for you. This is it, right here. Thank you for being perfect inspiration, for more than just writing. :) Really all you need to do is just stand there and look adorable, that works. I love you more than I love oranges. No lie.) _

* * *

Picture this:

Sometimes, there are important things we have to tell people. You tell people when you get engaged. You tell people when you get a new puppy. There are crucial things you tell people as well. You tell them your grandmother died. You tell them you have to move away.

What irks me, though, are the things that you have to tell people about yourself. Think about it, no one goes around saying _yeah, I'm straight, just so you know._ Nobody has to do that because it's not something that you consider telling people about. It is who you are and no one should have to have the burden of explaining exactly who you are.

So you're sitting in your kitchen, your feet on the bar on the bottom of the stool you're sitting on. Everyone is always sitting in a puddle of information. So why is it that I have to go around telling people that I'm gay and my preference is for girls, not boys? No one ever came up to me and told me that they are, in fact, straight.

Maybe I'm just more curved than that.

I think it's unfair. Why do people need explanations for who they love? It should just be. But that's just my personal point of view. And the one that matters, because hey, you're not getting anybody elses.

I have this nervous habit of tapping my fingers on a surface whenever I'm about to talk to someone. It serves absolutely no purpose. Just a distraction.

"Spencer stop doing that, it's extremely annoying." Paula says to me.

"Sorry mom." I shoot back an apology. I don't even roll my eyes. I have no attitude.

My mother turns around so he is facing me and raises an eyebrow. She is probably wondering why I just legitimately apologized to her. "Are you okay?"

"Actually…" I think for a second. "Yes, I'm more than okay. But, there's something I wanted to talk to you about."

My mother's eyes penetrate mine and I _know_ she knows what I know. And I think she knows that I know she knows. You know?

"About what?" She says, letting me talk.

I wave my hands in the air, to make the topic I'm about to engage in a seemingly non-important one. "You know, _life_."

"Life?" My mother questions. She then proceeds to roll her eyes.

"Life, love, laughter." I murmur and peer at her through my eyelids.

Paula blinks and starts to wipe down the counter with a dish rag. I know she's staying quiet so I can begin to speak whenever I feel ready. "Look, mom. I just wanted to let you know that in the future I might- I might not have a boyfriend to bring home." I pause to look at her and she has this little tilted smile on her face. I scrunch my eyebrows, wondering if the words I just said are…strange. I like to think that they're creative and clever. More interesting than just saying _Hey, I'm gay. I like the ladies._

Mmm. Ladies.

"But you might have a girlfriend?" My mother says as she continues to wipe the counter. It comes out so simply. Like, _but you might be a little late for dinner?_

"Er." I look at her and kind of smile. "Yeah, a girlfriend."

"A girlfriend named Ashley?"

"Jesus mom, if you knew why didn't you tell me? And how do you know?" I ask her, although I am quite sure I already know the answer to that question.

"Oh come on sweetheart. It's obvious, whenever you're around her, or on the phone with her. You're…happy. How's that happiness treating you?"

I full on wide-mouth smile now. "It's going pretty well."

Paula walks around to my side of the counter and kisses the top of my head. "I love you no matter what. Nothing changes."

I roll my eyes only to try and cease the sappiness of the moment. "Thanks mom." I mumble back.

Maybe some things don't have to be that hard.

------

"We should totally drop acid and run around in the sprinklers like that." I say as my eyes are glued to the TV screen.

"Uum, no Spencer." Ashley chuckles, and I can feel her breath hitting my neck. Where her head is cutely snuggled into.

"Come on, it'd be fun. We can get Fora to do it too, she'd be entertaining."

"I can't disagree with you there."

I feel a soft kiss go to my neck and I smile. It's simple and cute, yes. But my body ignites on fire anyway.

"Did you need something?" I joke, although it comes out a little more strangled than I had hoped.

"Yeah, your pants off." Ashley says into my ear and I groan. Both at her words and at the tongue that is lightly tracing the outside of that ear. Her words are spoken in a gravely tone, one that does more than just turn me on.

I feel her move her body over mine, mouth on my neck, one leg between mine. My hands find their way to the small of her back. And I can't help when one goes to Ashley's ass. I hear a small moan when my hand moves inside her back pocket. Whenever she's on top of me, it's like, why hasn't she been there all along? She fits there. Like a puzzle piece.

Finally her lips meet mine and it feels good. It feels like it's been a million years since I kissed her even though it's only been minutes. Her tongue tastes like the cold cherry Coke she had been drinking earlier during the movie. It's extremely sexy, how cold and wet her tongue is. How when I suck on it just a little bit I taste cherries.

We had been watching the movie on her bed. Beds are dangerous.

I am brought out of my thoughts when I feel a hand move down my chest, down my stomach, and stop at my jeans. They work the button and zipper with ease. She wasn't kidding.

Ashley makes a humming sound as her lips continue to attack mine. It moves through me, down me.

"Ashley." I can't help moan when my pants are off and all I can feel is her. She feels good. She feels so good that it's getting harder and harder to breathe evenly.

I decide to give up and just let her take control. It feels better that way anyway.

------

"Do you think that like, when you die, God gives you a present?"

I turn my head to squint my eyes at Fora, I make sure she sees me squinting. Squinting in that way that says _What is wrong with you?_ "Why would he give you a present?"

She shrugs. "I mean, I guess 'cause you just died. That sucks, right?"

"Who says there even is a God? When you die, you die."

Fora keeps her eyes on mine. "You don't actually believe that."

"No, I don't." I admit. How _could_ I believe that? With being able to "see" visions of my dead best friend, absolute non-belief is kind of out of the question. "But I do think God is full of shit. If he even is, you know, a something."

Fora pops a particularly greasy French fry into her mouth and tilts her head. She chews it slowly and it's really annoying. "Yeah, maybe. Why would he have all this shit happen and have all these bad people."

"Bad people go to Hell." I say semi-jokingly.

She snorts. "So you believe in Hell now?"

"Hell yes." I tell her. "If you're a genuinely bad person, you're going to Hell. No one gives a shit if you decide to be sorry about it someday. It's done, you're done."

"I think it can be a fine line, my friend."

I see Ashley walking towards our booth out of the corner of my eye, and I smile. Stupidly, I might add.

"Hey there." She says when she greets me. I get a sweet kiss, her hand on my face. It's warm and it feels nice. When she sits down next to me I give her a soft kiss to the cheek. I see her blush. "What are you two talking about?"

"God and shit."

Ashley raises an eyebrow. "Interesting combo."

I bring my hand to Ashley's thigh under the table and I see her gulp. I start to move it slowly up her thigh.

"I know you guys are sickeningly cute and stuff, but can you not touch each other inappropriately, please." Fora asks calmly as she sticks four French fries into her mouth.

I roll my eyes at her. "Where's Noel?"

"He's either saying pence or building a fence."

"I'm sorry, what?" Ashley laughs.

"When I was on the phone with him before there was this really interesting show about giant sea creatures on the Discovery Channel, so my attention to him wasn't really a hundred percent."

"Giant sea creatures?" I muse.

"Yeah, you know. Giant squid. Even bigger squids. Loch Ness monster. Large whales." Fora explains, using her hands to show how big they are. According to her calculations.

Soon after, Fora says her goodbyes and is off to meet Noel. And I'm left with my very pretty girlfriend, and a smile on my face.

"What are you doing tonight?" I ask her, as I lace our fingers together absentmindedly.

"Hmmm. Helping my mom pack. She's going on some business trip tomorrow."

I know I start to smirk. "Oh really."

"Yeah really." Ashley laughs quietly. "She's going back to L.A. for a couple days."

"Soooo, you'll have the house to yourself?"

Ashley shakes her head and her eyes twinkle at mine. "Nah, I plan on having you in it too."

------

Fora twirls a Twizzler around her finger. She is sitting on my bed, with a whole pack of them in front of her. They are half gone and she's been the only one eating them. I have no idea how she hasn't thrown up yet.

"You know, I was thinking about our conversation today."

"Yeah?" I say as I put away some laundry. I love the smell of just-out-of-the-dryer laundry. And the feel of it. It's always so nice and warm and soft. One of the small things in life to appreciate, I think. "What about it?"

"Were you thinking of anyone specific when you said what you said about Hell?"

I turn my head and meet my friend's eyes for a long moment. "Perhaps." My eyes give her permission to go on.

"B's drunk driver."

"There ya go."

"I think we are so much more passionate about things when we have very specific examples of these things in our head." Fora says and she's dead-serious. I don't know whether to laugh or give her some kind of award for being so incredibly profound at the strangest moments. "I mean, I just think that." She pauses. "He's sorry, you know."

"So?" I spit. "I don't care if he's sorry. This isn't _Saw 1, 3, 6, 7, 12, _or _30_, Fora. I'm not going to forgive people to make myself a stronger person. Some things are unforgiveable."

Fora nods. And I don't know whether to take her nod as her agreeing with me or not. It's just her answer. "What do you think Bethany thinks of you and Ashley?"

This time I genuinely smile as I put a pair of socks away. They have ducks on them. "I think she's pretty alright with it."

"Really?" Fora ask skeptically.

"Yeah, really. I got the okay from her."

"What? Have you, _seen_ her?"

I turn to face her quickly. "No, no I haven't seen her. I just feel like it's okay. Why?"

Fora shrugs. "I don' know, I thought it'd be cool to maybe be on one of those ghost reality shows."

And the profoundness is gone.

I'm not ashamed of seeing Bethany, if I really have been seeing her. I simply think that those moments between me and her are ours only. Mine and Bethany's. They're not really for sharing. And I think that's the way it should be.

A couple of hours later, after Fora has gone home, I get a text from Ashley telling me that her mom left already, earlier than planned, and that I should come over. Obviously, this is not a situation you say no in.

When I get to her front door, I'm already shivering just a tiny bit. I pull my jacket around me tighter until I see the door open and a very adorable Ashley standing there. She has on these cute pajama pants and a very small tank top. My eyes travel up from her abs to her face and I see her smiling. Although she does look a little confused. She pushes the door closed and kisses my cold lips with her warm ones.

Her eyes scan me before she speaks. "What's with the trench coat?"

------


	20. twenty

_This is the final chapter. I hope it's not too abrupt or anything. This was definitely my favorite story to write so far, so thank you everyone who read and enjoyed. I hope you liked it, well, I hope you loved it. Enjoy :)_

* * *

Picture this:

Everything happens for a reason.

God, I know, so incredibly _cornball_. But besides the cheesiness that explodes from the very syllables of the statement, it's true. Things happen. Things change. More things happen. More things change. It will forever continue in this cycle of movement and progress. No one will ask you if you're ready. The universe is not very polite.

You might not be happy about what's going on. It might be sad. It might be devastating. Or it might be happy, joyous, even.

If you're looking for something wrapped up in a neat little bow, you're in the wrong place. Life doesn't do bows. Especially bright, pink, sparkly ones.

At best, life throws you a plastic bag tied in a knot at the top and says _here_. That's about right, I'd say.

Everything changes for a reason. You can't stop change. It is inevitable. Like falling in love. Or getting a paper cut. Or tripping on the sidewalk. Or losing someone. It _will_ happen.

Change can be bad. Why would you want things to move if their placement was just right? For example, losing someone. That makes your heart hurt. Or getting that paper cut. That makes you bleed.

Change can be good. Change allows you to grow. _Ew_, did I just say that? But whatever, it does. When things change, you change too, and that change can make your heart feel good.

We all want our hearts to feel good. Isn't that basically what we're doing with our lives?

------

"Spencer!" Harley yells the second I step into the kitchen. I notice that the white door is not chipping paint, it actually looks rather smooth. That last paint job must have stuck. "I'm getting a rat!"

I spin around on my heel and eye my short, little brother down. "I don't think so."

"Uh huh. Mom saaaaaid."

"Really?" I ask him, nervous for a second. I will _not_ live with a rat.

"Well." He hangs his head and moves his Converse covered foot back and forth against the carpet. "No yet, but…"

His words, though, are cut off by my laughter. I leave an angry, pouting Harley down in the kitchen as I make my way up to my room.

I swing my door open, surveying the cracked wood of my bedroom door as I enter. I don't even see her right away. Fora is leaning against my closet door with her arms crossed over her chest and a weird look on her face.

"Holy shit!" I shriek and slam my palm against my hard-beating heart. "What the fuck are you doing, R. Kelly?"

"Well, we did it." She says, ignoring my jab and twirling her long, black hair between her fingers. Her sweater is pink and extremely fuzzy, while the skirt she is wearing is black and extremely short.

"Created a space and time continuum?"

"Noel and I broke up." Fora tells me with an eye roll as she bounces down on my bed. Her back on the mattress, hands spread out to her sides.

"Oh, shit." I answer more gently than before. "How's Noel?"

"Noel?" Fora sneers as her eyes squint at me. "Aren't you gunna ask how I am?"

I roll my eyes. "Alright, how are you?"

Fora shrugs. "I'm fine. Noel cried though, don't tell him I told you. He made me swear I'd keep it a secret."

"Huh." I plop down on my bed next to her. "I kinda thought you two would make it."

"Yeah, well, not everyone is destined to be together like you and Ashley." Fora says seriously.

I wave my hand in the air in a dismissing gesture.

"Oh come on." She laughs out, sitting up straight on my bed. "You two are probably together in every possible universe."

"What does that even mean?" I ask.

Fora shrugs, and blows a _Bazooka_ bubble instead of answering.

"So, is this gunna be one of those awkward things where you two hate each other and we can't really go out all together. And you'll bicker and fight and stuff like that?" I say seriously.

Fora looks at me for a second. "You mean, everything will be normal again?"

I contemplate this. "True. You are full of wisdom." I tell her sarcastically, even though I truly do believe what I've said.

"I know." Fora lets out a breath, then she smiles. "So, I thought since I'm all distraught over my break up, you could look at my Leo picture book with me."

------

Ashley grabs my hand and unlike that time so long ago on the bench, she intertwines our fingers as we walk down the sidewalk. I smile at her. No, I grin at her and try to remember a time when I felt this mushy. So very mushy. No moments appear in the forefront of my mind.

It makes me love her even more.

Her hair is all shiny and beautiful under the cold sun, and her eyes sparkle at mine when they meet. I move my body closer to her as we walk. It feels better closer to her.

I can hear Noel and Fora a few feet behind us, bickering. They've been bickering the whole way here. Bickering about their break up. About not wearing a jacket. Bickering about the grass. About a poodle we passed on the sidewalk.

"I love you." I tell Ashley quietly as we approach the diner door. I've never been so earnest.

Her eyes flicker to my lips and I see her own curve into a smile. It's completely gorgeous, like the rest of her. "And I love you."

When we sit down in the booth, I think having Noel and Fora sit down next to each other was a bad idea. But then again, I do not regret sitting next to Ashley. I don't care who's mad at who or who broke up with who, I will sit next to Ashley if I want to.

"Fora your perfume smells bad." Noel mumbles from behind his menu.

Fora slams hers down, catching all of our attention. "That is it! Do not insult a girl's perfume, you shit-box."

Noel stares at her wide-eyed for about three seconds before her smiles. Then he starts to chuckle and shake his head. "Alright, I'm sorry." He's not kidding, he's serious when he apologizes.

"Good." Her eyes scan the top of his head. "You need a hair cut."

Our lunch continues on peacefully for the rest of the time. Well, mostly. There are some incidents involving crackers and a straw that is used to make spit balls.

"Spence." Ashley says and touches my arm. The feeling of her hand on my skin gives me butterflies. "Do you have, um, a dollar or two for tip?"

I nod and turn to look in my bag. As I do, I see a group of kids that look about our same age on the other side of the diner in a similar booth. They look like they're about to get up and leave. I have no reason to be staring at them, it's just that, they all look vaguely familiar. But in a way I can't name. I don't know them, no.

As they're leaving, a boy in the group grabs the hand of one of the girls and winks at her. One of the girls, short with dirty blonde hair, puts her coat on. I see her smile at the last member of the group, another girl. And as they pass by, on their way towards the door, the girl with the coat catches my eye. At first I think it's one of those awkward, look-away moments. But I don't look away and neither does she.

She's pretty. Pretty in a way that any girl can appreciate, not in any other way. Because I don't think I will ever find someone as gorgeous as Ashley. Or as cute and adorable. Or as loving. Just before my eyes leave hers, though, I see a very small, tilted smile on her lips. It happens so fast, but I think she winks at me.

And then the group is gone, heading outside toward their cars.

"Spencer?"

"Yeah." I say, shaking my head. I pull the singles from my purse and hand them to Ashley.

Her lips meet my cheek, the golden specks in her eyes dancing around. "You okay?"

Slowly, my lips begin to morph themselves into a large smile. I nod. "Yeah." I say sincerely and without doubt as I look at Ashley. "I'm perfect."

------

Picture this:

Well, maybe you'll have to do it for yourself from now on.

------


End file.
